I think I was just flustered
because I had just underwent
the most embarrassing
experience of my life.
My wife and I just got back
from like the fanciest
British restaurant ever.
It was like a four star
Michelin tire restaurant.
I don't know how they rate it.
But there was a guy
at the door taking our coats.
Yeah.
I had no idea he didn't work there.
No clue!
(audience laughing)
You trust him 'cause he's British, right?
He's like "I'll take your coat, sir!"
And I'm like,
Yes, you will take my coat!
"And the lady's jewels, as well?"
Give him your jewels, honey!
(audience laughing)
The waiter leads us
into the restaurant,
and he brings us towards our chairs,
and the chairs are clear,
transparent plastic.
And that's a problem for me,
because I have what my wife
affectionately refers to
as perpetual plumber's crack, and.
(audience laughing)
Anyone else have
perpetual plumber's crack?
PPC, as we call it?
Any PPC sufferers in the crowd?
(audience laughing)
All right, don't point at your husbands,
that's not nice.
(audience laughing)
For those that don't understand,
let me explain.
Basically, my butt is small enough
that my pants will always fall down.
And yet somehow,
my crack is big enough
to make everyone uncomfortable.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
(audience laughing)
The crack to butt ratio
is not right at all.
(audience laughing)
You'd think with so much crack,
it'd get a little bit like a woo!
But nothing, it's just flat.
It's just a long, horrible ditch
that leads nowhere.
(audience laughing)
It's awful.
(audience laughing)
And normally, what do you do?
You put the coat over your chair,
that's like a crack force field, right?
You can feel the wind rushing over,
but no one can see nothing.
But buddy took my coat at the door!
And it's not just here,
it's every single restaurant!
Why do they always
design chairs this way
with the little gap right at the bottom?
(audience laughing)
If you've got PPC, that is a frame.
(audience laughing)
And, I know.
So, they bring us towards our chairs,
and right away I can see that,
I'm like, This is not
gonna end well at all.
They sit my wife down first,
she's got a view
of the entire restaurant.
I've got a view just of her.
Normally, that's perfect.
Not today.
As soon as I sit down,
I can feel it.
(audience laughing)
Like I know she can't see nothing,
but I also know that
I am now mooning
this entire half of the restaurant.
And it's not like a normal moon either,
it's like a squished up
against clear plastic.
(audience laughing)
It looks like I'm taunting them
on purpose or something.
(audience laughing)
Now, if this were like Minnesota,
someone would say something.
"Hey buddy, your butt's showing!
"Yeah, pull up your pants,
"I'd put a coat around you.
"You PPC? Yeah, me too,
"buddy, I know, right?"
(audience laughing)
But in London,
everyone's so hoity toity proper,
they're like, "Oh my!
(audience laughing)
"Don't look, Winnifred, don't look.
(audience laughing)
"I haven't been this upset
"since Maggie Thatcher
"was in Parliament."
(audience laughing)
Little Maggie Thatcher joke
to really get the crowds going,
I know my demographic.
No problem.
(audience laughing)
And it's a quiet restaurant,
keep that in mind.
There's music, but it's not
like clothing store music.
Right?
(beat boxes dance music)
Let's buy a shirt!
It's not like that.
The music makes it feel
quieter in the restaurant.
The music was like
(sings in a classic operatic style)
It wasn't even through the speakers,
it was just a dude in the corner.
(audience laughing)
Just humming while
he was eating a soup.
Just (sings in a foreign language)
And this is just phase one.
They bring out our food now,
and it's fancy food.
It's like duck fou fou
or something like that.
And it was on a baguette,
that's all I remember.
And I took a bite,
and maybe I breathed when
I should have been chewing.
Maybe I chewed when
I should have been breathing.
I don't know.
But I fe'schlucked.
Now.
Fe'schluck is a Mennonite word
which means to choke
at an inopportune time.
You're thinking like a cough?
No, no, a cough is like
(coughs cutely) excuse me.
That's adorable, all right?
A fe'schluck is like a good
hearty Mennonite thing,
you do what it sounds like,
that's how it got the name.
It's like oh, fe'schluck!
It's a fe'schluck, you understand?
(audience laughing)
Stop looking at me
like you don't know
what I'm talking about!
Everyone's got one fe'schlucker
in the family, all right?
Yes you do.
Normally it's mom.
Mom's the fe'schlucker, isn't she?
She could fe'schluck on air,
it doesn't even matter.
Mom will fe'schluck on anything,
she always tries to
convince you she's fine,
she's turning purple in the kitchen.
(coughs) "I'm fine
(coughs)" just eat (coughs)
"just eat, it's fine (coughs)
"just eat (coughs) just eat."
Like I don't want the pierogis, mom,
you fe'schlucked all over 'em,
what are you doing?
(audience laughing)
I went into phase one of the fe'schluck.
Now phase one is just this.
(gasps in loudly) That's it.
(audience laughing)
Now, my wife knows
what phase one of a fe'schluck
looks like,
but she also knows
what phase three of
a fe'schluck looks like,
and she did not want that
to happen in this quiet
(sings in a classic operatic style)
British restaurant.
So as soon as I went (gasps loudly),
she just looked at me like
"Don't you dare."
(audience laughing)
You know if you've been
married a while,
you have that like
language you can speak
without even saying a word?
We had that in that moment.
It was beautiful.
(audience laughing)
As soon as I went (gasps loudly)
we had an understanding
(audience laughing)
that I was just going to have to die.
(audience laughing)
I was not to cough it up,
I was to allow the darkness
to overcome me.
(audience laughing)
Take one for the team.
But your body won't let
you go down like that.
So involuntarily, I went into
phase two of the fe'schluck.
Which is (coughs loudly)
I suppressed that back to phase one.
(gasps loudly)
Now.
(audience laughing)
When you suppress
a fe'schluck at phase one,
(audience laughing)
what happens is it does
prolong the fe'schluck experience.
But it also intensifies
phase three, you understand.
(audience laughing)
So I knew I needed to get out of there
as quickly as possible before
I just projectile fe'schlucked
all over everybody.
So now, I'm trying to be
like discreet about it.
Also trying to suppress a fe'schluck
and find the bathroom.
So I'm like waddling.
(gasps loudly)
Excuse me, do you know
where the bathroom is?
(audience laughing)
Perchance, could you direct me
towards the bathroom?
Poor guy doesn't whether
to find a waiter or an exorcist.
(gasps loudly)
They show me the bathroom.
They don't call it
a bathroom in London,
they call it a water closet!
And this poor Mennonite kid
from Canada
just staring at this door,
like I don't wanna die
in the utility room!
(gasps loudly)
(audience laughing)
You gotta visualize this.
I'm in the lobby now,
the quietest and busiest
part of this restaurant.
My body does not care.
My body's like, "All right!
"Commence phase three!"
I went full phase three fe'schluck
right there in that lobby
just (coughs rhythmically and loudly)
fe'schluck! (coughs)
(breathes heavily)
I turn around, I'm sweating, I'm crying,
my mascara's running.
(audience laughing)
I stammer back to my chair, I sit down.
My wife's like,
"You okay?"
(audience laughing)
Yeah, yeah.
She's like, "Because everyone heard."
(audience laughing)
The waiter came up,
I was expecting him
to be discreet about it.
Maybe be like, "Excuse me sir,
"can I get you some water, sir?
"Some water for
"your fe'schlucking, sir?
"Some fe'schlucking water, perhaps?"
But no, I guess he had had enough.
He walked up and
he announced himself.
He's like (clears throat loudly)
"Excuse me, sir!
"But would you please
"pull up your pants!"
And he just walked right out of there.