-We here at "Late Night" we have a lot of expenses.
And to cover the cost of our show, we took on some
pretty terrible sponsors.
Sponsors I am not proud of.
Sponsors I'm ashamed we took money from,
but because we did, we now have to mention
these sponsors on the air.
So, I'd like to apologize in advance.
"Late Night" is brought to you tonight by turkeyneck sweaters.
[ Laughter ]
You've heard of turtleneck sweaters,
so why not try turkey-neck sweaters?
The only sweaters with the neck of America's
[ Laughter ]
The turkey.
Turkeyneck sweaters.
You'll get a waddle compliments.
[ Laughter and applause ]
We're also sponsored by no [Bleep] it's not butter.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
The oily daily substitute that's not fooling anyone.
This wet, gooey, blue substance will leave many questions,
but is it butter will not be one of them.
No [Bleep] it's not butter from the makers of --
[ Laughter ]
Next up, confusing sinks.
[ Light laughter ]
Want a sink that will make people say,
"How do I turn this on? Where's the hot water?
Where's the cold water? Is that the soap or the water?"
Try confusing sinks. From the makers of confusing toilets.
Confusing toilets. That's one complicated mother-flusher.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up -- tired of driving all the way to Chuck E. Cheese
for your animatronic music needs?
[ Laughter ]
Now you can have the band in your very own home
with pre-owned Munch's Make Believe Band.
These six foot animatronic musicians are perfect
for your kids' room, basement, or bathroom.
With the band from Chuck E. Cheese,
you'll flip on the lights and say "Oh, what the--! Oh."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Don't forget about sealed pistachios.
Sealed pistachios.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Next up, the only thing better than a lower back tattoo
[ Laughter ]
Lower butt tattoos make a statement you can sit on.
[ Laughter ]
Is your child tired of their easy-bake oven?
[ Laughter ]
Then try the new difficult-bake oven.
It's an oven made for kids that has 4 gas burners,
a 6 cubic foot self-cleaning oven
and a temperature range of up to 650 degrees.
It's perfect for your little chef.
Difficult-bake oven, it's an oven.
[ Laughter ]
[ Light laughter ]
Even with the picture, you have no idea what it is.
[ Laughter ]
Well, I'll tell you what it is.
[ Laughter ]
is the only zoo that's filled with chimpanzees
dressed up as all the other animals.
Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The chi-- [ Laughs ]
The chimpanzoo, it's chimply the best!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Up next, touch of gray hair color for dogs.
Is your dog's gray hair embarrassing?
Give him just a touch of gray and show the world
he can still catch a ball.
Teach your dog how to -- stay!
[ Laughter ]
With touch of gray hair color for dogs.
Also, tired of candy-filled piñatas?
[ Laughter ]
The only pinata filled with piping hot lasagna.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Shoe art that helps you personalize your sneakers.
Like basketball? Shart it.
Like baseball? Shart it.
You can even shart your shorts.
[ Laughter and applause ]
With shart, people will look at your shoes and say,
[ Laughter ]
That's it for your bad sponsors. Here are some of our good ones.