- I'm originally from Wisconsin,
so if you're sensing weird vibes from me, that's why.
I creep people out in New York,
I walk down the street and I'm like hi,
and people are like no.
(laughing)
Every New Yorker looks at me like
I think he was probably homeschooled.
I look like my lawn had a learning gazebo.
I don't know, I just have a weird vibe,
like picture me driving right now,
you're all picturing a different type of vehicle,
but all of you are picturing me driving
with a coffee cup on the roof of my car.
You're trying to tell me about it
you're like coffee,
and I'm like oh you wanna be highway friends?
No, coffee.
Yep, you gotta be grateful.
(laughing)
I kinda have the vibe of that waiter
that would come over to your table
and be like have you been here before?
No, well let me give you the lay of the land.
I'm gonna tell you five minutes worth of specials
while I make intense eye contact.
Do you guys ever wither under the waiter eye contact?
He's like ahh, and you're like oh god,
I don't know,
ahh it's still happening, okay.
Be a talker not a stalker.
I'm surprisingly straight.
(laughing)
I know, shocker.
I remember when I came out to my parents as straight,
they're like oh okay.
We can't wait to meet your girlfriend.
And if we never meet her, that's okay too.
We'll just nickname her Santa.
I wish I was gay, I wish I was.
Because being gay is really great,
if you're in that community I love you.
I will hug you until you don't want it.
I wish I was gay because
it'd be easier to explain my personality.
Somebody would be like what's your deal pal?
I'll be like eh, super gay.
(laughing)
All day gay.
But the truth is a longer explanation,
I'm like I grew up with single mom,
and she was a radical feminist,
she'd take me to these rallies,
they'd be like men are bad,
and I'd be like I'm becoming one.
Crap.
Well I guess I'll half ass it.
And here you have it.
And every other weekend I went to go see my male role model,
which was my dad who's an interior decorator.
And he was real sensitive,
he'd be like it's okay to cry son.
And then I'd go to school
and the other boys would be like no it is not,
with punches,
and now I have PTSD.
So guess who's quirky.
I don't know what it's like to grow up gay,
I don't know what that's like.
All I know what it's like
is to be called gay every day of my life,
so I feel like I have a lot of empathy for that community.
All day people are like are you sure you're not gay?
I'm like god I wish man,
I don't even like to wipe off the elliptical.
You guys ever feel weird,
you're doing the screen and then you're like whoa,
okay, I'm just gonna make a point and do small circles.
But also respect, you know.
Great respect for that community.
I live in that community,
in West Hollywood, California,
I live in a gay neighborhood, they call it boys town.
And I have dumb friends,
they're like well if you're not gay
then why you live in a gay neighborhood?
And I'm like 'cause they're great,
and also 'cause it's so safe for my girlfriend.
She can walk down the street at 3:30 in the morning,
no one would bother her.
The worst thing that would happen
would be some guy would walk up to her and go no.
(laughing)
None of this is working.
Here's a Sephora gift card.
Yeah, this is a reverse mugging.
I just wanna be more dangerous.
I wanna be hard and soft like Velcro.
I want my nickname to be (tearing sound)
I just wanna be,
I want women to think I'm dangerous in a sexy way,
but I never wanna make a woman feel endangered.
Does that make any sense?
Yeah, like I was walking home from the bar
in my neighborhood the other day
and this real cute gal, she left right ahead of me,
so I was like all right Pete, hang back,
make her feel safe.
So then we were walking along, she's drunk and slow,
I'm like come on, hurry up.
And then she turns left,
I was like oh man that's where I'm going.
And she turns right, I'm like I have to turn right there,
so finally I just yelled after her
I go you are not in danger ma'am.
(laughing)
It was so insulting,
she turns around and she goes I know.
(laughing)
I was like well now I don't feel emotionally safe.
And could you walk me home?
And she took me as far as she was going.
I wanna say nice things about men though,
yeah clap if you know a nice man,
if you know a kind man, like a good one.
Yeah, see there's good men,
but if you go on the internet
it's just like all men are the worst.
I'm like no you mean Dave.
We all know a bad guy, but we're not that.
Like there's this rumor that all men are in the locker room
being like oh I was with Katie last night.
We're not doing that,
we're showing each other our phones
going what does she mean?
(laughing)
I just wanna do the right thing and I don't know.
All men wanna do is the right thing.
Women are like men are like dogs,
I'm like yeah, golden retrievers.
Look at us sometime,
we're like she's smiling, I'll sit next to her.
She's frowning, going in the other room.
Checking in, still frowning, staying.