Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video this week
I want to dive into passive aggressive behavior
and I've done a video on this before and really in that video was kind of going over how to
spot someone who is being passive-aggressive and I think that's really important because if you don't know when someone's being a passive aggressive then
someone's gonna be passive aggressive and if you're codependent, if you're a people pleaser, then you're gonna take on that behavior and
You're going to want to
Help the other person fix the other person
Make the other person happy and do all of these things that are completely unhealthy for yourself
So in this video, we're gonna go over briefly the traits of a passive aggressive person
But really what I want to tackle is, how are you going to approach this person?
So there's been like a theme lately
I feel like with my videos where we're starting to you know when I first started doing YouTube
it was all about educating you guys on certain types of
mental illnesses
Abusive relationships emotional abuse, what does that look like? What is gaslighting?
What is narcissistic abuse all of those types of things which are really important to learn?
Throughout the course of your life so you can protect yourself then we start going into. Okay. Well, maybe I'm codependent
Maybe I'm a people pleaser me. Why am I the way I am, how can I heal?
Why did I track this person so really in this video?
It's not just about educating you guys on what passive aggressive behavior looks like
It's really how do you handle yourself when you are dealing with this type of person?
So before we get started in this week's video if you have not subscribed to this channel
Don't forget to click on the subscribe button down below and also click on post notifications
That's the little bell right knee or the subscribe button that will inform you each time
I do upload a new video with a new topic
I am super excited and happy and grateful that this channel has grown to where it has and it will continue to grow
Because we need this kind of information and we need help in terms of healing ourselves as well
So let's dive right into this. So right off the bat
I just want to give you a couple of quick traits on passive aggressive behavior
and I just wanted to make sure that I covered everything because I know in my
Experience I when I dealt with someone who's passive aggressive, they tend to use one or two of the these
tactics and
Not every passive-aggressive person is gonna use all of them, but I'm gonna give you the list of just a couple of them
So maybe you can recognize. Hey the person in my life that I have to deal with this passive-aggressive
This is their drink of choice. So the silent treatment
That a hundred percent is passive-aggressive
So when we're given the silent treatment
We're not verbally communicating with the other person how we feel why we feel hurt why we feeling angry
We're just going cold turkey. No talking at all
insults and
Subtle insults. So these are not blatant things that someone would an insult that you would hear where you would go. Oh my god
I can't believe you said that you would almost be like is that an insult? Did you just insult me?
Like so it's that type of tactic that a passive-aggressive person will use
Moody behavior so when someone is like sulky or grumpy or moody and
You don't know why they're this way and look we're all moody from time to time right? Maybe we're hangry. Maybe we're aggravated
It's totally fine, but when we don't own
Why we are feeling this way and we don't communicate with that with other people that could be a form of passive-aggressive behavior
stubbornness
100% and I always read this and
It's never really happened to me when I've come in contact with someone who's passive-aggressive, but I can 100% see where this does happen
it's someone that
Fails to deliver what it is. They said they were gonna deliver
so for example, let's just say that your friend Sue promised that she was going to bring you to the airport and because now you
Didn't do something for her that she wanted or because she's angry for whatever her reasons are and she's upset with you
She's decided to cancel that promise on you. So that would be kind of a passive-aggressive way of handling the situation
so now that we've kind of tackled just the basics of that and if you guys want more information and really diving into
passive-aggressive behavior and how to spot it
Definitely go check out my video just type into the search bar Stephanie Lynn passive aggressive
So and you can watch that video
So but what I want to get into is how you can deal with this type of person. How you
Are going to approach this person because you are a healthy self loving person
so one of the first things to understand when you are dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive is
this person
the passive-aggressive behavior is basically a form of
Anger that this person feels it's a coping skill that they've learned because they don't know how to deal with
What it is that they're feeling
Most often people who are passive aggressive don't even know what they're feeling. They might feel anger
They might feel maybe even sadness, who knows they may it's usually some form of anger that they're feeling. Maybe some kind of disappointment
so their anger that they feel is
Basically, it's almost like dealing with a child that doesn't know what they're feeling and doesn't know how to deal with what they're feeling
It's no different in an adult because this adult is emotionally immature. So they don't know how to handle themselves now
Why are they angry they could be angry for a ton of reasons? They could be angry because they don't have control over the situation
That's going on. They could be angry because they're not getting their way. That could be angry because maybe it's a form of
Insecurity or jealousy that they have towards you that could very well be the case as well. It is basically a form of punishment
Towards you because they didn't get what they want where they feel a certain way
And because they don't know how to handle it and deal with it
They then want to punish someone else
For them feeling why they feel because they feel that the reason why they're feeling this way is because of something that you did
or something that you said that made them feel this way and it is a form of punishment is a form of
Control, really they're trying to control you and how you feel in your mood by doing these types of tactics like right?
Basically giving you these types of tactics. So one of the first things in order to
Calm yourself down to not take this personally is it is not an attack on you?
Even though it feels like it even though the behavior or the abuse is getting directed right at you. It is not about you
It's not about something that you did about what you said now if you did do something
That was hurtful. That was wrong
And if they are able to communicate themselves to you in any way shape or form
then and you you agree like you know what I actually did this and it was wrong and I
Apologized then you kind of own it. But if you know blatantly this has nothing to do with me. This is their own
insecurity jealousy
anger feelings of you know
Not feeling in control whatever it is and you recognize that
You have to be able to slow yourself down in these types of situations when you're dealing with these types of people
because if you take everything that everyone does around you personally then you're going to
Emotionally get entangled in all of these toxic and abusive people's
Messes and drama and negativity. So the point of all this is to create the bubble right that I always talk about
Creating that bubble is you being a mature person to recognize and seeing the bigger picture
That wow this behavior. This is passive-aggressive. Okay, why is this person being passive-aggressive?
well, I think they're being past aggressive because
They didn't get their way because they're angry about this whatever it is, right
So when you're able to take a step back and you see this for what it is and you don't take anything
Personally at that point when you don't take things personally, that's actually you having all of the power
That's where you didn't give your power to anyone else
So this is you being emotionally mature being a rational adult and seeing the situation and seeing that there's obviously something going on
Internally with this person that has nothing to do with me and they're starting to take it out on me with these
These abusive tactics now for me. That was a huge
Awakening when I realized that when I was like wow
This actually has nothing to do with me and I would always get so reactive to someone else's
You know abuse that they were throwing at me doesn't mean that we can't get annoyed or angry or upset that
Hey, you're throwing this at me, and I don't deserve that. It's some extent. It's human nature
I think but you can't get entangled at it
So at some point you have to be able to put that wall up or that bubble or whatever
you want to call it in order to not fully engage with a person and gettin meshed because that's the person wants now if you're
Codependent or if you're a people pleaser
Then you are going to get entangled because it's going to bother you that this person is using these tactics on you
It will eat you alive that someone is giving you the silent treatment. It will hurt you
so badly when someone is making this passive-aggressive
Subtle insults at you, and you won't know how to handle yourself in those situations
the reason why you won't be able to handle yourself is because most
codependents most people pleasers fear
confrontation they
They have been programmed and wired based on a lot of abuse that they have endured to
Fear the thought of having to verbally communicate with someone else and possibly call someone out
Possibly say something that they know someone doesn't want to hear because they fear many things, you know
and if you hear me say these things you're gonna think wow, that's so ridiculous, but
People pleasers and codependents really feel this down deep at the core of that wound
You know, what if this person thinks I'm not a nice person
What did this person doesn't love me anymore?
What if this person just continues all of them all of this abuse and all of these tactics that they're throwing at me?
What if they continue this and I won't be able to handle it. You know, I just want everyone to be okay
I just want everything to be good in the mood to be right and there'd be no negativity and no drama
And so I'm trying to tiptoe around and make everyone happy so I can be happy myself
this is kind of like the inner conversation that goes on with someone who is codependent or people pleaser now just like someone who is
Codependent and a people pleaser they're probably not the best communicators
I know from me when I was knee-deep into all that kind of stuff. I was a terrible communicator
because I would
Constantly react and I would get so angry and I would just almost not know what to say because I would get so frazzled
whereas now because I'm more calm in situations and I see things for what they are and I
You know time and time again learn to hold on to myself hold on to myself that I can
Articulate myself in a healthy way because I have slowed myself down. I don't allow that
behavior to take hold of me and all of that anger to come to the surface because I know
that if that happens that person then has
Control over my state and over my mood and my energy level and I never want anyone to have that kind of control over me
Does it happen from time to time of course? I'm human
But as soon as I recognize it, I immediately am like okay here I go. I'm calming myself down
I'm gonna take a step back
Maybe I leave an interaction with someone so I can get a breather
myself and become a little bit more rational because maybe I've let that that energy take over that negative energy and
Slow the conversation down
Now a passive-aggressive
Person you have to understand like we said earlier this person doesn't know how to handle what they feel and so most often
They're going to be an awful communicator as well
And if they do communicate maybe on some level what it is that they're feeling they're going to be angry
They're going to be aggressive
They're going to use more tactics on you because they have not taken responsibility for
How they feel so when you're a healthy mature
Rational adult and you feel anger frustration
sadness, whatever you're going to take responsibility for it regardless of what anyone else does to cause
You to feel that way you are going to say you know, what, even though what that person did was hurtful
I'm going to take responsibility for how I feel
Excuse me, and I'm going to parent myself
I'm gonna have that inner dialogue to get my
Energy back to where it needs to be to get into a healthy state and this person is not capable of doing that
So because you're dealing with this type of person you are dealing with someone as well who is a terrible communicator
So you cannot be intimidated by this person and the fear of confrontation of having to verbally talk to this person
about the behavior that they're
Displaying one of the first things that I deaf learned when I was going through all my stuff was I stopped?
apologizing when I was that codependent that people-pleaser I
Constantly said I'm sorry I said I'm sorry for things that I was not sorry for like it had nothing to do with me
So if someone felt angry or upset my first reaction was to just say I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry
Even though I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. So if you know, you're not doing anything wrong, then there's no need to apologize
For something you can say, I'm sorry
You feel that way but to say I'm sorry
Means basically it almost condones the behavior
So hey, when you do this behavior, and you'd give them you give me all these tactics and I apologize
That's what the person wants because they want to put the blame on you
for the reason why they feel the way they feel so
We can't apologize for someone feeling the way they felt when it's their responsibility and it's something that they have to take care of
So this is where it all goes back to you know
People will treat you how you want to be treated by what you tolerate
So if you tolerate that behavior and those tactics and you apologize for it and you try to make everything comfy-cozy
rather than
Forcing that person to take responsibility for how they feel and what's going on inside of them
Then you're basically condoning the behavior. Like I said and you're making it okay for them to do it again
Now the next thing is what I like to call the call-out method and this is not calling someone out
Basically in a harsh and negative way
but it's actually doing in a very self loving and healthy way and
Hopefully it's helping the other person on some level now if you're dealing with someone
Who is narcissistic this is not the tactic to use we are not going to use this tactic on a narcissist
Okay, so we'll get into that into another video. But if you're dealing with someone who is not
Full-blown narcissist maybe they have a couple trades. Maybe they have a couple tendencies, but you're not dealing with someone who is
Severely ill in this sense then here's what you do if you have any
idea on
Why this person is behaving the way they are so you've taken a step back and you say okay. You know what?
I really think this person is feeling this way because they're angry and they're angry about this
You a hundred percent and this is where I always say it's good to practice these things
It's good to practice these statements sometimes and then you kind of make them your own
But what I always say to someone is you seem really upset right now
From something and that is perfectly fine
But the way you are behaving towards me and how you're treating me is a hundred percent not okay
You can have your opinions and how you feel
But it's not my job to help you through what it is that you're feeling
So I would appreciate if you not treat me in this way and then you just engage now
It's that's kind of a long statement. But really what the basis is is that you want to tell someone
Hey, look, I know that you're being passive-aggressive and this behavior that you're giving me these subtle insults this silent treatment
This whatever it is that is there drink of choice. I
Recognize it and I think you're doing it because you're upset about blah blah blah, and that's fine that you're upset about that
But this behavior is immature and I'm not going to tolerate it and this is where you disengage
now if you
continue on in this
Conversation and you begin going back and forth and you're not able to hold on
So obviously the person is gonna say something they're not just gonna be like and just let you walk away
they're probably gonna have something to say so if
This is where it is the test for you to be able to stand in front of this person
And basically what you're doing is you're just reiterating the same statement just in a different way
So it's not about trying to get the other person to see your point and this goes into my next thing
You can't have an agenda. So when you go into conversations with people, there's no agenda
So an agenda basically means that I want you to see what I'm saying and hear what I'm saying
and agree with me and have some kind of an aha moment where you recognize that well, I'm actually being a little
Immature or I'm being a little unhealthy right now. I shouldn't be giving this person that behavior. They might do that
They might have an aha moment where they go. You know what? You're absolutely right
I was being passive-aggressive and I was upset because of this and I shouldn't take it out on you. Great
That's that's a win but chances are they probably?
Won't be able to do that, especially in the moment
So if that is the case
Then you can't have an agenda
You can't get upset because when you have an agenda when that person isn't
Hearing you you're going to get really frustrated and upset and you're gonna want this person to understand you're gonna try to be more
Convincing and it's not your job to do that. So I think the biggest takeaway from this is not having an agenda
learning how to practice
communicating these things being able to verbally communicate with this other person not fearing confrontation and be able to
Call someone out in a healthy way, so I hope that that has helped you
If you guys enjoy this video
Please please please give it a thumbs up and also share with anyone who you feel might benefit from this either this video or this
channel, there are a ton of different topics on this channel ranging from
Relationships abuse confidence etc. So I hope you have enjoyed this and I will see you next week