WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS GREAT--
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BACK AT YOU.
NO, BACK AT YOU FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.
IT'S GREAT TO BE WITH YOU, ALL OF YOU HERE, TOGETHER,
PHYSICALLY INTACT, SKIN STILL FIRMLY ON OUR FACES.
BECAUSE I BRING IT UP, ONLY BECAUSE IT'S A SMALL STORY-- YOU
MAY NOT HAVE HEARD OF IT-- TONIGHT WE'RE CLOSER TO
THERMONUCLEAR THAN LAST NIGHT, WHICH IS A FUN FACT.
AND IT ALL STARTED ON-- NEW YEAR'S DAY?
NEW YEAR'S DAY.
WHEN NORTH KOREAN LEADER AND STACKABLE DICTATOR, KIM JONG-UN,
BRAGGED, "IT'S NOT A MERE THREAT BUT A REALITY THAT I HAVE A
NUCLEAR BUTTON ON THE DESK IN MY OFFICE."
YES, IT'S TRUE-- ANALYSTS DIDN'T THINK NORTH KOREA WOULD EVER
ACHIEVE THE TECHNOLOGY NECESSARY TO CREATE A DESK.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT WAS TERRIFYING.
IT WAS A TERRIFYING THREAT FROM A DESPERATE NATION LED BY AN
UNSTABLE MADMAN, SO OUR PRESIDENT MET WITH HIS NATIONAL
SECURITY TEAM AND DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO DE-ESCALATE THIS
POTENTIALLY CATACLYSMIC CONFRONTATION.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST KIDDING.
HE TWEETED: "NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG-UN
JUST STATED THAT THE 'NUCLEAR BUTTON IS ON HIS DESK AT ALL
TIMES.' WILL SOMEONE FROM HIS DEPLETED
AND FOOD-STARVED REGIME PLEASE INFORM HIM THAT I, TOO, HAVE A
NUCLEAR BUTTON, BUT IT IS A MUCH BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL ONE
THAN HIS, AND MY BUTTON WORKS!" FIRST OF ALL, MR. TRUMP, YOU
SHOULD BE BRAGGING ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR MISSILES.
OKAY?
BUTTONS--
I DON'T KNOW IF HE KNOWS THIS-- TRADITIONALLY, BUTTONS ARE KIND
OF A LADY PART.
( LAUGHTER ) AS IN, "I DON'T THINK THE
PRESIDENT KNOWS WHERE TO FIND THE BUTTON."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PLUS-- I HOPE.
I HOPE NOT.
DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
PLUS, INTERESTING FACT ABOUT THE NUCLEAR BUTTON: THERE IS NO
BUTTON.
IT IS NOT REAL.
IT'S A METAPHOR.
UNLESS THEY PUT A PHONY BUTTON ON TRUMP'S DESK.
RIGHT BETWEEN THE ONE THAT ORDERS HIM A COKE AND THE ONE HE
PRESSES TO HEAR WHAT THE COW SAYS.
"STUPID COW, FAKE MOOS."
( LAUGHTER ) OBVIOUSLY-- MY FAVORITE JOKE.
OBVIOUSLY--
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE KIDDING, AND WE KID BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO
DIE.
AT LEAST I DON'T WANT TO DIE THIS STUPID, YOU KNOW.
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING WITH MORE DIGNITY, LIKE SLIPPING ON A
ROLLER SKATE INTO THE MOUTH OF A YAWNING POLAR BEAR.
OR CHOKING ON GUM WHILE DANCING IN MY UNDERWEAR TO HUEY LEWIS
AND THE NEWS.
OR BEING STRUCK BY THE OSCAR MEYER WIENER MOBILE, SURVIVING,
ONLY TO BE RUN OVER BY ITS COMPETITOR, THE HEBREW NATIONAL
BEEFWAGON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE-- THAT WOULD BE A
BETTER WAY TO DIE.
MEANWHILE, REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN SILENT ABOUT THIS.
NOTHING ABOUT THE RISK OF THERMONUCLEAR RESPONSE-- OH,
OBVIOUSLY, OTHER THAN MITCH McCONNELL.
♪ DUCK AND COVER ♪
>> Stephen: BUT, REMEMBER, KIDS, UNDER THE DESK.
I THINK THERE MIGHT BE A WAY, THOUGH, I REALLY DO THINK THERE
MIGHT BE A WAY TO CALM TRUMP DOWN ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS
BUTTON.
THIS IS A MESSAGE FOR THE PRESIDENT.
PRESIDENT OBAMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SIR, YOU'VE GIVEN A LOT FOR THIS
COUNTRY, BUT WE NEED ONE MORE THING.
WE NEED YOU TO GO ON NATIONAL TV AND SAY TRUMP'S PENIS IS BIGGER
THAN YOURS.
NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU, BUT ONLY ONE PERSON HAS TO.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SIR, WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN THE MEANTIME-- THINK HE'LL DO
IT?
DO YOU THINK HE'LL DO IT?
I THINK HE WILL.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.
IN THE MEANTIME, IF I'M GONNA DIE, I'M GONNA DIE DOING WHAT I
LOVE.
HIT IT ♪ IT'S HIP TO BE SQUARE
IT'S HIP TO BE SQUARE ♪ IT'S HIP TO BE SQUARE
SO HIP TO BE SQUARE ♪