>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE EXCITED TO SEE YOU.
AS ISAID, WELCOME BACK.
A WEEKEND IS TOO LONG TO BE AWAY FROM YOU.
WE'RE GOING TO KICK RIGHT OFF WITH THE ONLY STORY THAT MATTERS
TONIGHT, AND THAT'S WHAT'S ON TV NEXT SUNDAY.
BECAUSE MY CBS COLLEAGUE OPRAH WINFREY HAS RELEASED A TEASER OF
NEXT WEEK'S BLOCKBUSTER INTERVIEW WITH PRINCE HARRY AND
MEGHAN MARKLE.
OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE ACTUAL ROYALTY IS GOING TO TALK TO HARRY AND
MEGHAN.
MR. AND MRS. SUSSEX ARE UNDENIABLY EVERYONE'S FAVORITE
ROYALS.
RIGHT AFTER THE QUEEN, KATE MIDDLETON, AND THE DUKE OF
HASTINGS FROM THE WAIST DOWN.
MMM!
GOD, I HOPE THAT'S A BLUR.
HE SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.
THIS INTERVIEW IS ALL ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT.
EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT, BECAUSE THE SHOW
WON'T AIR UNTIL SUNDAY 8:00 P.M.
EASTERN, 7:00 CENTRAL ON YOUR LOCAL CBS STATION.
SMOOTH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT STILL, THE ANTICIPATION IS
WILD.
FOR 24 HOURS, THIS INTERVIEW WAS THE TOP OF "THE DRUDGE REPORT."
NORMALLY, TO MAKE IT THAT HIGH ON "DRUDGE," YOU GOT TO BE AN AD
PROMISING ONE WEIRD TRICK TO SHRINK YOUR ENLARGED PROSTATE.
OR A TACTICAL VEST... FOR YOUR ENLARGED PROSTATE.
WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?
FROM THE TEASER, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO TELL:
>> WERE YOU SILENT OR WERE YOU SILENCED?
>> I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO EVERYBODY THAT THERE IS NO
SUBJECT THAT'S OFF LIMITS.
>> YOU'VE SAID SOME PRETTY SHOCKING THINGS HERE.
>> WAIT, HOLD-- HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE.
>> STEPHEN: WOW, WHATEVER THEY SAID, AND IT IS UNKNOWABLE, IT
STUNNED OPRAH.
IT'S EITHER SOME REALLY JUICY DISH, OR SHE ASKED FOR SPARKLING
WATER AND THEY BROUGHT HER STILL.
BUT YOU HEARD HER: NO SUBJECT WAS OFF LIMITS.
WHICH I HOPE MEANS THE FIRST HOUR IS HOT GOSS ON THE CAST OF
"SUITS."
IS GABRIEL MACHT A DIVA?
ALSO, WHO IS GABRIEL MACHT?
I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW.
HEAR GOOD THINGS.
WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
WHAT DO WE HAVE?
OH, WE HAVE THE THING.
C-PAC.
THIS WEEKEND WAS THE ANNUAL CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION
CONFERENCE, BILLED AS "THE LARGEST AND MOST INFLUENTIAL
GATHERING OF CONSERVATIVES IN THE WORLD."
THAT'S IF YOU DON'T COUNT THEIR LAST GATHERING.
THIS WEEKEND'S LINEUP INCLUDED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO SPREAD THE
BIG LIE THAT LED TO THE INSURRECTION, LIKE TEXAS SENATOR
TED CRUZ, MISSOURI SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY, AND ARIZONA
REPRESENTATIVE PAUL GOSAR.
IT WAS A MURDERER'S ROW OF PEOPLE WHO ALMOST GOT MIKE PENCE
MURDERED.
BEFORE THE SPEAKERS EVEN OPENED THEIR MOUTHS, CPAC GOT OFF TO A
ROUGH START, BECAUSE EAGLE-EYED TWITTER USERS POINTED OUT THAT
THE CONVENTION STAGE WAS IN THE SHAPE OF AN ODAL RUNE, WHICH IS
A SYMBOL USED ON SOME NAZI UNIFORMS.
OKAY, HOW MUCH RESEMBLANCE ARE WE TALKING HERE?
THIS IS THE SHAPE OF THE STAGE, AND HERE IS THE S.S. UNIFORM
WITH THE ODAL RUNE-- HOLY HIMMLER!
NOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T SEE IT, BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT
THEM SIDE BY SIDE, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO "NAZI" IT.
FASCIST SYMBOLISM ASIDE, ONE OF THE STUPIDEST MOMENTS OF THE
ENTIRE STUPID WEEKEND CAME FROM TEXAS SENATOR AND
WATER-LOGGED CORPSE OF THE NOTRE DAME LEPRECHAUN, TED CRUZ.
CRUZ CAREFULLY EXPLAINED THE STAKES OF OUR NATIONAL CONFLICT
WITH AN EASY TO FOLLOW ANALOGY.
>> THE MEDIA HERE LOOKS AT THE MEN AND WOMEN GATHERED HERE, AT
THE YOUNG PEOPLE GATHERED HERE, AS DANGEROUS RADICALS.
THIS IS THE REBEL ALLIANCE AND VADER AND THE EMPEROR, AND LET'S
BE CLEAR, THEY'RE NOT YOUR FATHER, ARE TERRIFIED OF THE
REBELS WHO ARE HERE.
WE AREN'T THE BORG ENFORCING, OKAY, I MAY HAVE COMMITTED A
CARDINAL SIN, MIXING "STAR WARS" AND "STAR TREK."
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING TO CROSS THE STREAMS AND
THE STAY-PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN IS GOING TO COME.
>> STEPHEN: (AS CRUZ) "STAY WITH ME HERE... WE'RE
DOCTOR WHO, BUT NOT THE LADY ONE, AND WE'VE GOT ALL THE
INFINITY STONES EXCEPT FOR THE SORCERER'S STONE WHICH IS STILL
AT HOGWARTS IN THAT WARDROBE WITH THE WITCH AND THE LION, WHO
IS NOT.
MY.
DAD."
CRUZ WRAPPED UP HIS SPEECH, MAKING ONE THING CLEAR: HE KNOWS
EVEN MORE MOVIE REFERENCES: >> IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF
WILLIAM WALLACE, "FREEDOM!" >> STEPHEN: CONSIDERING THE
SHAPE OF THAT STAGE, I BET HE WASN'T THE ONLY PERSON AT CPAC
QUOTING MEL GIBSON.
THE HEADLINER OF THE WEEKEND WAS THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
HIS SPEECH WAS PRETTY LIGHT ON SUBSTANCE AND ENERGY, BUT THERE
WAS ONE MAJOR REVELATION: HE TOLD THE AUDIENCE THAT HE WOULD
NOT START A THIRD PARTY.
OF COURSE HE ISN'T GOING TO START A NEW POLITICAL PARTY.
HE ALREADY OWNS ONE!
THESE PEOPLE WORSHIP THE GROUND HE WALKS ON.
LITERALLY.
THE BIGGEST ATTRACTION AT CPAC WAS THE GIANT GOLDEN STATUE OF
HIM.
NOTHING SAYS THE PARTY OF CHRISTIAN VALUES LIKE
WORSHIPPING A GOLDEN IDOL.
AND IT'S AN OLD TESTAMENT TWO-FER, 'CAUSE HE'LL ALSO COVET
YOUR WIFE, NEIGHBOR.
NOW, HE SAID A LOT OF THINGS AND SOME OF IT WAS STUPID, AND THE
REST WAS DANGEROUS.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY ANY OF THE CLIPS, BECAUSE THE COUNTRY
NEEDS TO MOVE ON AND, FRANKLY, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
>> STEPHEN... STEPHEN...
>> Stephen: JIMMY, WHAT'S THAT?
>> COME ON, STEPHEN, IT'S ME, YOUR FAVORITE FORMER PRESIDENT
WHOSE NAME YOU WON'T SAY.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE LEAVE.
>> DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME?
>> Stephen: NO.
COME ON.
I SAID "FRAGRANT" WHEN I MEANT TO SAY, "FLAGRANT."
JUST PLAY THAT ONE.
IT'LL BE HILARIOUS.
>> STEPHEN: I'M GOOD.
>> BUT YOU USED TO TELL JOKES ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME, REMEMBER?
MY NAKED CORRUPTION, MY GROSS INCOMPETENCE, MY TINY LITTLE
HANDS...
AND DON'T FORGET MY RIDICULOUS HAIR.
IT LOOKS LIKE A MERKIN FELL INTO--
>> STEPHEN: A COTTON CANDY MACHINE.
YEAH, I REMEMBER.
BUT YOU'RE NOT IN POWER ANYMORE, SO JUST TAKE A HIKE.
>> STEPHEN: BUT I SPOKE AT CPAC YESTERDAY!
IT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT, NEWSWORTHY EVENT!
I'M STILL SO RELEVANT.
IF PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME, I'LL MELT.
I'M MELTING.
OR MAYBE THAT'S JUST MY BRONZER.
GOODBYE NOT CRUEL ENOUGH WORLD.
PSYCH!
I'M NEVER LEAVING!
SEE YOU IN 2024!
>> Stephen: GO, GET OUT!
GET OUT!
>> AAAHHH!
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF GOLDEN IDOLS, LAST
NIGHT THEY HELD THE GOLDEN GLOBES.
THIS YEAR THE GLOBES WERE HOSTED BY TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER ON
OPPOSITE COASTS, AND MOST OF THE CELEBS JOINED IN VIA ZOOM.
ALL THE GLAMOUR WAS FROM THE WAIST UP, SO WE HAD NO IDEA IF
THE DRAPES MATCHED THE RED CARPET.
THIS YEAR'S LOOKS RAN THE GAMUT FROM CYNTHIA ERIVO IN VALENTINO
AND NICOLE KIDMAN IN LOUIS VUITTON ALL THE WAY TO JASON
SUDEIKIS IN TIE-DYE HOODIE.
YOU CAN SHOP JASON SUDEKIS'S LOOK BY DIGGING INTO THE BOTTOM
OF YOUR HAMPER AND THEN TAKING THAT EDIBLE YOU'VE BEEN SAVING
FOR AN EMERGENCY.
GOOD FOR YOU, JASON.
KEEPING IT REAL.
THIS YEAR'S GLOBES CAME UNDER A LOT OF SCRUTINY AFTER A FORMER
PRESIDENT OF THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION
ADMITTED THE GROUP HASN'T HAD ANY BLACK MEMBERS IN TWO
DECADES.
EXPLAINS WHY IN PAST YEARS, THEY'VE GIVEN GOLDEN GLOBES TO
"GREEN BOOK" AND HELLMAN'S.
LAST NIGHT THE GLOBES TRIED TO REMEDY THE PROBLEM BY PUTTING AS
MANY BLACK PRESENTERS ON SCREEN AS POSSIBLE.
A BOLD EFFORT, BUT IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE AN ALL WHITE HIGH
SCHOOL TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A YEARBOOK THAT LOOKED DIVERSE.
"HEY MALIK, I KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT IN FRENCH CLUB, BUT
PARLEZ VOUS DIVERSITE?
GRAB A BAGUETTE AND GET IN HERE."
THAT JOKE BY OUR WRITER JOHN THIBODEAUX.
JOHN, YOU WANT TO GET IN HERE?
>> NOPE.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY!
BUT THE BIG NEWS OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN THE GOLDEN GLOBE FOR
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE WAS WON BY OUR FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.
COME ON!
FOR HIS WORK ON THE SOUNDTRACK OF "SOUL."
I'M SO HAPPY FOR JON.
I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO WORK WITH HIM EVERY DAY, BECAUSE
A MAN OF HIS TALENT CAN WORK ANYWHERE... EXCEPT, EVIDENTLY,
THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS.
ONE PERSON NOT ENJOYING THE SPOTLIGHT RIGHT NOW IS NEW YORK
GOVERNOR AND SHAR PEI WHEN YOU BRING HOME THE NEW BABY, ANDREW
CUOMO.
FIRST, THE GOVERNOR WAS ARC CAUSED OF
COVERING UP COVID DEATHS IN NURSING HOMES, NOW TWO FORMER
AIDES ACCUSED HIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE.
THE FIRST, A FORMER STATE ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT OFFICIAL,
LINDSEY BOYLAN, SAID CUOMO HARASSED HER ON SEVERAL
OCCASIONS FROM 2016-2018, AT ONE POINT GIVING HER AN UNSOLICITED
KISS ON THE LIPS AT HIS MANHATTAN OFFICE.
SHE ALSO SAID ON A FLIGHT BACK ON A FLIGHT TO NEW YORK THE
GOVERNOR SAID LET'S PLAY STRIP POKER.
MY FIRST REACTION WAS: THAT IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE.
MY SECOND REACTION WAS: STRIP POKER ON A PLANE?
HOW LIMBER IS HE?
"ALL RIGHT, I GOT A PAIR OF TWOS.
THE REST IS SLOP.
GOTTA TAKE OFF THESE PANTS.
EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU MOVE YOUR SEAT-BACK UP?
MY BELT'S GETTING CAUGHT IN THE MAGAZINE POCKET."
BUT THEN, I FOUND OUT IT WAS A PRIVATE JET.
OR IN THIS CASE, "PRIVATES."
CUOMO'S OFFICE DENIED BOYLAN'S ACCUSATIONS, BUT THEN THE
GOVERNOR WAS ALSO ACCUSED OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY HIS FORMER
EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT AND HEALTH POLICY ADVISER, CHARLOTTE
BENNETT.
BENNETT HAD JUST TURNED 25 LAST YEAR WHEN CUOMO ASKED HER IN HIS
OFFICE IF SHE "HAD EVER BEEN WITH AN OLDER MAN."
(AS CUOMO) "REALLY OLD, BUT STILL KIND OF
CUT.
MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE A NIPPLE RING?
RINGING ANY BELLS, THAT MIGHT BE HANGING FROM M NIPPLE RING?"
THIS TIME, CUOMO APOLOGIZED, BUT GAVE THIS EXCUSE:
"AT WORK SOMETIMES I THINK I AM BEING PLAYFUL AND MAKE JOKES
THAT I THINK ARE FUNNY."
I KNOW THAT ONE.
"KNOCK-KNOCK."
"WHO'S THERE?" "AN OLDER MAN."
"AN OLDER MAN WHO?" "AN OLDER MAN WHO IS NOT TOO OLD
TO HAVE SEX WITH!" BENNETT ALSO SAYS THAT AS THEY
WERE DISCUSSING HER 25TH BIRTHDAY, CUOMO SAID THAT HE
FELT "HE'S FINE WITH ANYONE ABOVE THE AGE OF 22."
WOW, HER OFFICE BIRTHDAY PARTY MUST HAVE BEEN AWKWARD:
"HAPPY THIRD YEAR I'M WILLING TO DATE YOU!"
BENNETT BELIEVES THE GOVERNOR WAS GROOMING HER BY TRYING TO
GET CLOSE, REMEMBERING THAT AT ONE POINT THEY BONDED OVER THE
FACT THAT SHE HAD PLAYED MIDDLE-SCHOOL SOCCER AGAINST ONE
OF HIS DAUGHTERS.
I HOPE HE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE NIGHTMARE SPORTS DADS WHO'S
ALWAYS YELLING, "HEY, REF!
HOW OLD IS THAT ONE?" NOW, PEOPLE ARE CALLING FOR AN
INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION, LIKE NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DEBLASIO,
SEEN HERE PROVING NOT ALL SUPER HEROES WEAR CAPES, OR ARE SUPER,
OR ARE HEROES.
DEBLASIO AND CUOMO ARE FRIENDLY RIVALS, MUCH THE SAME WAY A
COBRA AND A MONGOOSE LIKE TO KID EACH OTHER.
WHICH MAY BE WHY DEBLASIO SEEMED SO QUICK TO CALL CUOMO'S ALLEGED
BEHAVIOR "JUST DISGUSTING, CREEPY.
WHEN I HEARD IT, IT SICKENED ME, IT DISGUSTED ME, BUT IT ALSO
SOUNDED LIKE, YEAH, I COULD BELIEVE THAT HAPPENING, TOO.
AND THAT'S WHY WE NEED A FULL INVESTIGATION."
ADDING, "SOMEONE ELSE IS HATED MORE THAN ME!
YES!
KEEP INVESTIGATING.
I'M FREE!
SUCK IT, ANDY!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ANDY SAMBERG AND CNN'S CLARISSA WARD.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, IS BEER GOOD FOR YOU NOW?
THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU, IF YOU THOUGHT YES.