Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video
So this week I wanted to make a video about healthy relationships, you know
so often on this channel
we talk about all these different signs and traits and things to look out for when we are either dating or
Really just having any relationship with anyone whether it's a friendship or a family member and in this video
I want to talk about what signifies a healthy relationship because I get a lot of questions from people asking me hey
You know
I have never been in a healthy relationship and I often don't know when I am dating or starting to see someone what
Determines, you know a healthy balance between two people
So in this video, I want to give you 9 traits that way you can tell what a healthy relationship should look like
So like always if you haven't subscribed to this channel, don't forget to hit the subscribe button down below each week
I post a video ranging from a ton of different topics whether it's
Narcissistic abuse emotional abuse really learning how to love yourself and have confidence in yourself
Really the basis of this channel is learning how to be emotionally and mentally healthy and that is a tall drink of water
So we have to make weekly videos so we can educate ourselves how to really be able to
Motivate ourselves soothe ourselves and help ourselves through difficult situations in life
so some of these traits are going to be very simple and you're gonna say
Absolutely, that's definitely something that's important
And a lot of them you will already have heard when you think of a healthy relationship
But I want to go into why it's important and how it should feel and look
so the first trait is trust and we all know this if there's no trust in a relationship a relationship just
Can't even form because that is the foundation of what a healthy relationship is based on
So if we lack trust within a relationship
then we're not gonna have that foundation and the relationship ultimately is gonna crumble because everything underneath
trust is not going to work properly or
Healthy if that trust has been broken
So if Trust has been broken you absolutely can
rebuild that but it takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of different components that most people aren't really aware of and
Don't realize that when the trust is gone, like I said
All of these other things tend to go out the window and we'll get into that later on in the video
so one of the biggest things I mean all of these things are extremely important, but for me, this one is
Really up?
they're very very up there and it's communication and when people often say what determines a healthy relationship and someone says communication
What does that really mean? Most often people think of okay
Well, if we have a healthy relationship a healthy communication between two people is us being able to talk to each other
But it goes way deeper than that
Communication let's start with just yourself
Let's not even think of the other person because like I always say everything in life starts with you
so if you are a healthy whole person
You know how to take care of yourself emotionally and mentally and the other person is doing that as well
Everyone has taken responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings and actions
Then relationships will just be very smooth and easy
but when two people aren't doing that and they're projecting their wounds on to someone else and they're not taking responsibility for
How they feel in certain situations, then that's when trouble usually arises in relationships
So communication really is about me being comfortable in my own
Skin to say whatever I think and whatever I feel and say it in a healthy way, so we're not being passive-aggressive
We're not blaming. We're not projecting. We're not using the silent treatment
We are just telling someone verbally what we think and how we feel and we're also not putting that on someone else
So if I'm telling you how I think and what I feel and maybe how I feel in a certain certain
Situation and something that maybe you have done that maybe upset me. I'm going to also take responsibility
Even if you did something that you know, we all deem black-and-white something, you know
A lie a betrayal a passive-aggressive behavior or whatever, right?
I have to also take responsibility for how I feel regardless of what it is that you do to me
So that means that I can't lash out
That means that I have to learn how to hold on to myself
that learns that I that means that I also need to learn how to
Self-soothe that when someone else does something to me that hurts my feelings that I don't just become irrational and start
loading, you know or reacting emotionally and getting really charged up it it means that I know how to again hold on to myself and
Be able to take a step back. Take a breather
reassess the situation
Soothe myself talk to myself
Take responsibility for my actions and then come to the table with love and verbally communicate how I think and what I feel with you
so that's
healthy communication and
Healthy communication is also learning how to just sit there and listen to someone else and not listen
Waiting to respond. So there's a difference between listening and hearing and
learning the difference between the two
So if I'm listening to you, then I'm just listening to the noise that you're making but in my mind
I'm thinking of everything that I want to say to you know
Come back as my attack or to prove my point or to justify my behavior
Or you know that I just want to talk because I'm a narcissist and I like to hear my own self talk so
Hearing someone is literally just using empathy. So if I'm using empathy then I'm putting myself in your shoes
I'm not worrying about what I think and and what's going on in my own head and how I feel so terrible
Terrible because of something that you're saying to me my ego is removed and I'm just a human being that's listening to another human being
On how they feel and I'm using empathy to put myself in your shoes so I can understand even if I don't always agree
I can at least understand where you are coming from
So when we do that
Then we feel more comfortable to be vulnerable with each other to tell each other really what we're thinking and how we're feeling
because then we know that my partner's not gonna be annoyed or upset or emotionally react or
you know be abusive if I have something to say and that person doesn't like it and we're able to really
Compromise and communicate with each other
So that is healthy communication
When you learn how to communicate in this way
Then it makes the relationship
easy and it allows the two of you to be
Open because you respect each other enough and we're gonna go right into the next thing to say
Whatever it is that's on your mind and you're able to work through problems a lot quicker and faster
now I
Personally always used to think that respect was like the biggest thing in a relationship and it absolutely is
But you can't have respect without healthy communication
So if I don't know how to communicate if I don't know how to take care of?
myself if I don't know how to soothe myself take responsibility for what I think and how I feel then I'm going to
Project. I'm going to react emotionally
I'm going to say things that maybe I don't mean because I'm upset and I'm not taking responsibility
For what? I feel and what I'm thinking right now
So when we kind of come from that space we don't show each other respect
so
When we do when I'm a person that's self loving and I know how to take care of my own self and I'm in this
Relationship with you, but regardless of what happens?
I know how you tend to my own
Needs and wants and feelings and be able to see myself and I'm not putting that on you in order to
To give that to me cuz I know how to do it myself
So when I live in that world, it's easy for me to sit in a space for someone else
It's easy to respect someone's privacy. It's easy for me to respect someone's time
It's easy for me to listen to someone else's opinions
And even if they're different than mine
I know how to handle myself
In that situation and I don't elect someone else's opinions or something that they did alter my emotional state
It doesn't mean that I don't stand up for myself
But it means that I don't allow that to affect me and I don't make someone else responsible for my happiness
So when we live in that kind of world, it's easy to respect
Everyone else and their opinions and their time and their space and their privacy and things like that. So
For me. I always thought respect was the biggest thing, you know
If there's no respect in a relationship, then everything else is going to just wash away and the only thing that respect has
With regardless of communication is in terms of someone's values
So if you know someone's values and character are not in alignment with you
You might still respect that they're different, but you won't be able to have a harmonious
Relationship with that person a healthy relationship with that person because the two of you are not on the same page
So if I'm in a relationship with and I don't respect who they are at their core their character and how they treat people
and their behaviors and
Just maybe even the way they go about their day-to-day life that
relationship is not gonna ever be a healthy one because like I said,
the two of you are not on the same page and there's always going to be
Friction and conflict in that relationship because you're trying to sync up to people that live completely different lives
View life in completely different ways. And so that relationship can never work and you can never really respect another person
Deeply when you don't respect their character
The next thing is boundaries and this is exactly what I meant
When I said, you know
It doesn't matter if someone else has a different opinion or a different approach or a different view when you're communicating
Even if someone did something that was hurtful that was wrong you're going to take care of yourself
But you also still need to be able to verbally communicate to another person and possibly even set a boundary with another person that hey
When you were 15 minutes late and you continuously do that that that's not okay
This is where we're teaching people how we want to be treated and we're always doing that
Regardless of being in a marriage or a relationship for 30 years or if you're just starting to date someone or just meeting
you know a new friend or having an old family member that maybe you're trying to
Get that relationship to a healthy place as best as you can
Boundaries are absolutely everything and your boundaries are really your standards in life
So I you need to know what your standards are in relationships and your boundaries are just your way of communicating
Hey
This is what I'm gonna tolerate
This is what I'm not going to tolerate and how people treat you or all based on the boundaries that you set
now if we don't know how to emotionally take care of ourselves if we have all these emotional wounds going on inside of us then
Even if we do set boundaries, we're not going to enforce that and the minute an abuser or someone. That's just
Manipulative and looking to take advantage of us starts to tiptoe on
Violating that boundary we're gonna just let them do it because we come from such lack and we don't believe that
we're worthy enough to stand up to ourselves because perhaps we're
Intimidated by someone we fear the relationship ending. We don't think there's anyone else out there
Whatever it is that the stories you're telling yourself are that are keeping you stuck to not enforce boundaries
that's the real stuff that we have to tackle and one of the things that I
constantly am working on with clients and even with myself is
the stories that we tell ourselves so the stories that you tell yourself are always gonna keep you stuck and when you look at your
story
that's why I teach in my practice learning how to detach from the stories learning how to detach from your thoughts and
Looking at the thought and examining the thought and when you start to examine the thought whether it's a fear or stress or worry
or anything like that you start to realize that that thought that fear doesn't have any power because what you're doing is you're just
Disassembling it so to speak and you're kind of looking at it and you're like wow
That's actually not something that I really need to fear
And so when you start to practice this you don't
Stay stuck in those fears and worries
because those fears and worries are the things that are keeping you stuff in your day to day life whether that's in a
Relationship whether that's in a crappy job
You know a terrible living situation whatever it is all of that fear and worry is what's keeping
You stuck every single day. So the next thing towards a healthy relationship is effort
And this is really huge and something that you know
We often know couples that have been together for years and years and you know in the beginning of a relationship
Were smitten with each other. We're in that honeymoon phase everything is light
We're putting in so much effort to have a great date night to put attention towards our relationship
and of course as life starts to happen and we build families and we have jobs and we have
Responsibilities life starts to get in the way. And we sometimes lose focus of what's important and I think that that's gonna happen
That's a normal part of life, but being able to again communicate with each other and saying hey, you know
we used to make effort to spend time together and now we don't do that anymore and
listening and hearing what your partner has to say and taking it in and
Agreeing and not getting defensive. You know, I'm working so hard
This is what's going on and just understanding that the most important thing or our relationships, you know money and jobs
There's always gonna be
Stuff to do at work. There's always going to be a bill that has to be paid
but if tomorrow
If you knew tomorrow was gonna be your last day you wouldn't care about the bills and the money and all of that stuff
it's just about learning how to find balance and I think finding balance is just
Remembering what's important at the end of the day and where do we need to put most of our attention?
And unfortunately, we usually put most of our attention on the jobs that we have and the responsibilities that we have
but I think just learning how to be a little bit more mindful and
Understanding that you know, if you're a man and you want your woman your girlfriend your wife to be intimate with you
She might need help around the house and understanding that every now and then surprising your man or your partner with something really special that
He's into or she's into then that always keeps a relationship
You know, I don't want to say spicy but that was like the first word that came to mind
But you just want to always remember those good times when?
things were light and fun and not forgetting to flirt with each other and
Making it a point to say nice things to each other not just I love you. But hey, thank you
Thank you for your help. Thank you for going to work today. Thank you for paying these bills. Thank you for raising the kids
Thank you for everything that you do
I feel like we often say I love you and it becomes something that's just very mundane and it tends to lose its meaning sometimes
But saying something like thank you or saying something like I'm so proud of you that
Means so much at least to me
but it might be worth just at least trying out and I think effort and this next thing which is gratefulness is
Go hand in hand. We have to be grateful for our partner that they're not perfect. We're not perfect
but at the end of the day, you should always be with someone who has
The same heart as you and I that's something to me that I think is so so important to work towards a healthy relationship
Is you have to love who your partner is at their core and you have to show appreciation?
gratitude
Towards this person
Maybe not every single day all day, but often, you know, everyone wants to be appreciate it
everyone wants to feel like what they're doing in the relationship is
contributing and even if you feel like at times your partner isn't
contributing it as much whatever they can give in that moment just being appreciative of what they can give in that day and
Not maybe having the bar be too high understanding that
Okay today the bars on me a little bit lower and I still appreciate what you can give that
Goes such a long way towards just happiness in a relationship
the next thing is your partner should love everything about you and I think that this is really
Important and I think that when you really learn how to love yourself
And you love everything the good the bad the stuff that you don't always love about yourself when you love
Everything about yourself and you know your flaws and you know the good stuff and you accept it tried and true
That's when you will find someone that'll love you for the you that you love and I think that that's absolutely important
Is that someone should know all the things all the flaws that you have and love them anyways
And that they're not deal-breakers and that they see you
Sometimes in a way that you don't often. See yourself
I think that that's huge even just for friendships, you know
The people in your lives should be the people that when you don't see you when you when you forget when you're losing
Yourself sometimes either in a stressful situation or a job they're able to help you and pick you up
Not that it's their responsibility to do it every single time
but they should see all the things that make you who you are and love you for those things and
The last thing is and this kind of ties in with everything that we've been talking about
healthy relationship with two people
These people know how to resolve conflict conflict is going to happen is a part of life
You're not gonna always agree
And there are times when you're going to have to compromise either one person or the other and at the end of the day learning
That what we're arguing about
it's not as
important as our relationship and learning when sometimes to you know, put the weapons away and just
Compromise and communicate and respect each other and just be grateful for each other
So we're doing all of those things
Day in and day out or we're at least being mindful of them a lot of time
Then we can resolve
Conflict and get through those tough times together because life's gonna hand you some stuff as a couple
That isn't gonna always be the easiest and if we just give up on relationships, you know a lot of times
I wonder if it's a matter of in this day and age
We're partnering up with the wrong people
Or if it's a matter of people just don't know how to work hard in relationships and learn what healthy relationships are
I'm starting to think more
be because I
personally think that as long as two people have the same values and you respect the person their character as
Long as you can work on yourself in my opinion any relationship can work and get through any difficult situation that you may face
But it just really has to do with all of these things
Are we doing all of these things are we taking?
Responsibility for ourselves or we're putting everything on the other person and not willing to change or heal
ourselves, so I hope that that helps you understand kind of what our healthy relationship should look like what it should feel like and if
You have any questions, please leave them down below. I am so excited to read your comments every single day
Thank you all for your love and support don't forget to give this video a thumbs up and I will see you next week