-What's up? -Hey, man.
Good to see you. I miss you, man. All good?
-Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I'm hanging in there.
-Good, good. Yeah.
Seem like you're a little -- I don't know.
A little mad or something. You okay?
-I mean, nah, you know, I'm just
thinking about stuff to put on my irk list, you know.
-Your irk list? -Yeah.
Yeah, it's a list that I do of, you know, whatever --
people, places, things that just, you know, irk me.
-Hmm. Like, what would be an example of something
that would be on your irk list?
-All right, for example, take, like, my four-year-old,
my son, Tarik.
He keeps trying to, like, catch me in a lie.
You know, he comes -- he says,
"Daddy, you know how to transform my Transformer?"
And I look at it. And it's a dinosaur
that transforms into a spaceship.
So, I mean, I don't know, when I was a kid,
Transformers, they made more sense, you know what I'm saying?
Like, what happened to "robots in disguise"?
So, I say, "No, I don't know how to transform a Transformer."
But then he hits me with,
"But I thought you said you know everything."
Because I told him, you know, I know everything.
So now I have to kind of live up to that.
He's just always trying to catch me in a lie.
So I say, "Of course, I mean, I know how to do it.
But I want you to do it yourself
so you can learn to be more self-sufficient."
But, you know, I'm just irked. I'm irked by that.
You know what I'm saying? -Yeah, just take it
and just break it and half and say, "There you go.
Now it transforms into two pieces."
-Yeah, exactly. "Now you do it."
[ Laughter ]
I guess -- I mean, you know, I'm just --
I'm a little irked by just having to do so much
around the house, like, just having to interact.
Like, me, my kids, my wife, we're usually "hi" and "bye,"
'cause I don't have, you know, that much time at home.
But now I'm forced to, like, you know, really be in it.
So -- [ Laughter ]
-You actually have to have a conversation with your family.
-Yeah, that's not what I'm here for.
[ Laughter ]
Like, take -- -You did the work.
-My 14-year-old daughter, Saaliha, she calls me
every five minutes now, you know?
And it's like for random stuff.
"Dad, there's a huge bug in my room.
It's in the light fixture.
I feel like it's holding me hostage."
I get upstairs, and it's a ladybug
the size of a pinhead.
I'm like, "Come on, man." Like, really?
Like, you know, I got out of bed for this?
It irks me. It's the size of a pinhead.
[ Laughter ] Just last night, it was,
"Dad, can you come up here? It's an emergency."
I go, "What's up?" She says, "I can't explain it.
Could you just come and help me?"
So I run upstairs. I get up there now.
And I'm winded, Jimmy. Like, I'm out of breath.
I want to sit down. And she says, you know,
she lost the TV remote.
"Where did you lose the remote?"
It's inside of a part of her bed.
Okay, so now I have to look into like the base of her --
But, first of all, her mattress is like 1,000 pounds.
Like, it's, like -- it's one of those organic mattresses
that feels like it's made out of, I don't know,
it's filled with nickels or ball bearings
or potatoes or something.
And it has no form.
Like, there's no structure to it.
So it just completely swallows you up inside of it
like a Venus flytrap.
So I'm trying to move the mattress.
Finally get the mattress out of the way.
I climb out of the mattress, and then the box spring
is equally as heavy.
And then remote is lost, like,
down into this place
that existed below the mattress and below the box spring.
And it's bolted shut. So there's no way to reach it.
And the space that, you know, the remote had to be,
you know, pushed -- she had to push it through.
She did it on purpose, Jimmy. And it just irks me.
I mean, it's like she's trying to test
my fatherly skills and stuff, so...
-And then you get lost in the mattress.
Then she's like, "Mom, I can't find Dad!
He's lost in the" -- -Yeah, exactly.
[ Laughter ]
Exactly, man. It's super wack.
Just super wack, man.
So you got that. She's -- she also likes to FaceTime me,
like, from other parts of the house.
And it's just, like, unwarranted.
It was almost like if I send a text to somebody,
and then they immediately FaceTime me back
instead of, like, replying to my text.
And I'm like, "I didn't want to FaceTime. I wanted to text."
-Yeah. -So I texted.
You know what I'm saying? I also get surprise FaceTimers
who they never text or regular call.
They just wait until when they think is
the most inconvenient time to FaceTime,
then they FaceTime me all crazy.
It just irks me, man. [ Laughter ]
Like, I don't want to FaceTime! -No.
-I'm in a -- right now.
And that's it. In my underwear.
If you're lucky. [ Laughter ]
-Tariq, thank you so much
for letting me know what is irking you.
What is on your irk list. I miss you, buddy.
You do not irk me, man. -I miss you, too.
I miss you, too. Yeah, I wish I could say the same, but...
[ Laughs ] -You just did. Oh, my gosh.
We'll be right back. -I miss you,
but you definitely irk me, bro.
-We'll be right back with more
"Tonight Show: At Home," everybody. Come on back.