- Hey, guys, Tessa here.
Okay, I know it's been a minute,
since I've been on here.
Honestly, I just needed that time
for myself and my brain.
If I'm ever not uploading on here for a while,
it's usually because I'm depressed,
or I'm just in a really bad, negative headspace.
I just don't like filming videos when I feel bad.
Ah, I've been in such like a depressive funk, this year.
I actually read an article that was talking
about how this year,
with the pandemic, because it's disrupted our lives,
made people lose their jobs,
made everything so uncertain,
and it's made us like so fearful,
not just like for yourself, but for your family,
for the friends, and the people you love and care about,
you're just like terrified that they're gonna get sick,
that something's going to happen,
and with all those feelings,
a lot of people who have mental health issues,
who can normally keep those in check,
they've fallen back into these old unhealthy patterns.
Like, because our brains are dealing with so much,
they're like reverting back to these old ways
as like a form of comfort.
Reading that made me feel so much better about myself.
It just made me feel so relieved, because, for me,
after I've made like so much progress over the years,
and I think I've overcome something,
like if I retreat back to those old bad habits,
I feel horrible.
I feel like I've failed.
I feel like everything
that I've worked toward has been like for nothing,
and I'm back to square one, and I'll never get out of it,
and I tried and failed.
It just makes me feel so bad about myself.
It's like it feels so impossible,
like that happiness feels so impossible
when you thought that like the bad feelings were over,
and then they come back.
It feels like I'm never gonna be able to get
to that good place again.
And I hate that my brain does this.
It's infuriating and exhausting.
So if you're feeling that way right now,
try not to be hard on yourself.
Please don't blame yourself.
If you gained weight, if you lost money,
if you lost your job, like this year has been hell.
If you are just surviving right now,
if you are waking up every day,
if you are making it through this year, you are doing great.
You are doing great.
You don't need to be okay, right now.
And that doesn't mean that you won't be okay again.
That doesn't mean that it's like, okay,
everything's horrible now, forever.
No, it's not.
These bad feelings are temporary,
and they don't define you, okay?
They don't.
What's been helping me get
through this has been communicating
with a lot of people, people that I love,
like Joe and my family and my friends.
When I get depressed, I tend to isolate myself,
and I don't want to talk to anyone.
I just close myself off from everyone,
because I feel horrible.
And I feel like I don't deserve anyone's love. (laughs)
I feel like I don't wanna annoy anyone, with my feelings.
Like especially if I have bad feelings,
it's like I don't want to feel like a burden.
I don't want to feel annoying, 'cause like I am annoying.
I know I am, so I don't wanna give that to people.
This is also why I don't like making videos when I feel bad.
Like, you don't want to see me when I'm feeling bad.
That it's not a good time. (laughs)
But anyway, I started seeing a therapist,
and it's been going great. (laughs)
But seriously, it's made a huge difference,
like a huge difference, just for me mentally.
I just have a lot of things that I wanna work through,
like personally, in my relationships,
just in my life, and talking to someone
about it has just been really helpful.
Definitely recommend therapy.
Therapy has been tough for me.
I had a horrible therapist
that like made me hate therapy, for a long, long time.
This person was a really bad person
and a really bad therapist
and like manipulated me, basically.
This therapist that I'm talking to now, though,
is so different than these other therapists
that I've talked to in the past.
It takes a while to find a therapist that works with you,
'cause like every therapist is different.
Different therapists have different personalities,
and their personalities have to gel with yours.
It's a long process, but once you find someone,
it can be so helpful, so don't give up,
if you're looking for a therapist, right now,
trying to find the right one,
or if you're feeling discouraged,
or if you've done therapy before
and had a horrible experience, like I did.
Don't close that door, 'cause it can be really helpful.
Yeah, so in therapy,
I realized that I am so hard on myself.
Like I'm way too hard on myself.
It's honestly gotten to the point
where it's become destructive, and I need help.
It's crazy because, for example,
like if one of my friends, like Brizzy,
has a new project or a new video or something,
I am so genuinely happy and excited for her,
and I want to help her in any way that I can,
and I just want to like,
like I'm so happy for her.
But if I do the same thing myself,
I just immediately start tearing myself down,
ripping what I've done apart,
think of every single thing
that's wrong with it and wrong with me.
I just don't get it.
Like why can't I celebrate myself
like I celebrate other people, you know?
I think so many people are just so amazing
and talented and beautiful and incredible.
And then I look at myself and I'm just like, ugh!
But it's like, bitch, you are those things, too.
But anyway, this is why I'm in therapy. (laughs)
I'm working through it. I'm trying.
I'm talking about it. I'm being open about it.
It's a work-in-progress.
I'm feeling good.
I'm feeling good about where I'm headed.
I'm gonna try to be nicer to myself,
try to not be so hard on myself, to celebrate myself,
to celebrate the things that I love
and the things that I make,
to be proud of myself, yeah. (laughs)
And I honestly wanted to thank you guys,
for always being so kind and thoughtful and respectful,
when it comes to me and my mental health.
It just really means a lot.
This kind of support system, from you guys,
from my little Starfish Family, I love it.
It's so nice.
You are my fellow nerdy people.
You understand me?
You understand my brain,
and you understand the things that I love
and why I love them so much.
Like so many people don't get it.
You just don't understand.
And that is so special and so cool
that we could talk like this.
We can just love things together.
I really take none of this for granted.
So I wanted to make this video
as like a little update about where I'm at,
where my brain's at, where my life's at,
and, I don't know, just sit down and talk to you guys,
'cause I feel like we haven't talked in a while.
I guess the most important thing in my life, right now,
is that I got a new kitten.
Here he is.
Oh, there he is! (laughs)
Oh! (laughs)
He loves licking my face.
He's so sweet.
This is my baby.
This is Bruce.
(Tessa laughs)
(lips smacking)
Good boy, Bruce. He's a good boy.
So we named him Bruce, because when we first got him,
he squeaked instead of meow.
He like didn't know how to meow.
He would squeak,
and he sounded just like a little baby bat.
(Bruce purring)
Let's hear that meow.
(Bruce squeaking)
(Tessa laughs)
He also kind of looks like a bat.
So he's my baby bat.
♪ Baby bat, baby bat ♪
♪ You're my baby bat ♪
Ow!
(Tessa laughs)
Thank you for licking my face.
Joe and I adopted him, a couple of weeks ago,
from Foster Army.
He's almost four months old now.
I just couldn't be more in love with him.
And he and our other cat Luna are doing very well together.
Also, a big moment happened.
Luna licked Bruce! She cleaned him.
She gave him a little cat bath.
It was so cute. I was dying.
I'm talking about you.
So if you want to follow more
of Bruce and Luna's cat adventures,
Joe is now in charge
of all cat content on Instagram.
So you can follow @themosescats.
I secretly want a third cat,
so I can create "The Aristocats,"
but Joe won't let me,
so feel free to bully him on social media. (laughs)
What else?
Mando!
"The Mandalorian,"
so I've been watching the new season
of "The Mandalorian" on Disney+,
and I'm loving it.
How could I not?
It's like a hot dad,
a hot, thicc Mando Daddy with Baby Yoda.
You can't get better than this.
It's not possible.
Every single time, Baby Yoda, or should I say,
spoiler alert, spoiler alert,
name spoiler, spoiler, spoiler, Grogu.
Anytime that baby is onscreen, I absolutely lose my mind.
I just can't get over that little guy.
I'm obsessed with him. (laughs)
I have a great idea,
and I don't know how to make this happen.
There needs to be an app for your iPhone or your iPad,
that connects with Disney+, that's a Baby Yoda cam,
and throughout each episode,
it just shows you what Baby Yoda is doing, at all times.
I want to see the baby.
I want to watch along with my Baby Yoda cam
Disney+, take this idea, please.
I need this in my life.
Thank you and good night.
What else?
I've also been consuming a lot of Twilight.
If you don't know,
I read the Twilight books for the first time, last year.
I loved them. They were amazing.
They just read like fanfic, and I ate them up.
They're just so comforting to me.
It's like completely different from Harry Potter.
It's like completely different,
because I, stupidly, thought that I just wasn't allowed
to like Twilight or read Twilight,
because I was like a Harry Potter fan,
because that was like a whole like feud,
like years ago.
This is so stupid.
This is why the internet can be dumb, sometimes.
Fandom wars are dumb!
Shipping wars are dumb!
I hate them!
I can't believe I refuse to read them for so long.
I missed out on so much.
Don't let the internet bully you into not liking something.
Don't fall into that trap.
Don't be like me.
You should read and watch and consume
and like whatever you like.
And you shouldn't feel like ashamed
or embarrassed or weird about that, like no!
Anyway, "Twilight" is amazing.
For Halloween, Joe and I dressed up as Alice and Jasper,
specifically from the baseball scene. (laughs)
♪ You caught me under false pretenses ♪
♪ How long before you let me go ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, you set my soul alight ♪
It's honestly like my favorite Halloween costume
that we've ever done.
And we not only got a shout out
from the official Twilight Twitter account,
but the actor who plays Jasper gave us relationship advice.
Like what? (laughs)
I've kind of run out of things to say.
I'm glad to be here with you,
here at the end of all things.
Thank you. I love you.
And I'll see you soon.
Stay gold, Starfish.
Bye!
(laughs) Bruce is so loud.
Bruce, don't grab on to the television.
Are you my little terror?
Are you my little nightmare, boy?
Are you vengeance?
Are you the Batman?
You literally climbed like Batman.
Now you're sleepy, boy.
He's my baby boy.
Mm!
(laughs) He's so cute.
He's so tired.
(Tessa laughs)
Oh, big yawn!
Yes, thank you for the nose licks.
I love him. What a good boy.
Hey, Bruce, say bye.
Bye.
♪ I see them bloom ♪
♪ For me and you ♪
♪ And I think to myself ♪
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ What a wonderful world ♪