there's a chapter in my book called don't ever don't let your children do
anything that makes you dislike them and I'm pretty happy about this chapter
although I suspect it'll be rather controversial and you know that it's
predicated first on the observation that many people hurt their children
physically and psychologically you know because everyone gets
sentimental about the relationship between parents and children but that's
especially in relationship to themselves because they think well you know of
course I'm going to be a good parent it's like it's not so bloody obvious
that you're gonna be a good parent you know and so and then what I see
happening with people who don't know how to discipline their children is that the
children run roughshod over them in their let's call them hierarchical
disputes because children push for position in hierarchy and they do that
behaviorally to sort of feel out the contours of the social structure so you
know your kid locked perfectly fine at home let's say at the dinner table but
then you take them to a stranger's dinner table and all of a sudden they
act out and you think what's up with you you little monster and what's up is that
they're trying to figure out what the power structure is in the new they don't
know this of course but they're acting this out they're trying to figure out if
the same rules apply in this new situation as apply in the old situation
and they can't ask that and they don't even know that they are rules exactly
they're regularities that they've learned and so they'll test and test and
then you have to show them that yeah it's the same here it's the same in this
situation but lots of parents are very uneasy with disciplining their children
partly because they're they believe that if you give a child infinite freedom
that's best for them and that constraints are inappropriate which is
really just well I don't know what to say about that except it's so untrue
that that it's very difficult to think of anything that's more untrue than that
but also the thing is is if you let your children take advantage of you if you
have an ounce of spine and an ounce of aggression which you do especially if
you don't admit it then you will take revenge on your children you know so if
they have a temper tantrum in a grocery store and embarrass you which a child
whose County can do quite effectively you know because you wouldn't let them
have that pack of crayons or a chocolate bar
and then you know you you tell yourself it's okay and that you still you know
that that really didn't make you that angry and it's okay but you're fuming
inside and then you go home and half an hour later maybe the child is doing some
interesting little bit of work maybe artwork or something or does something
good and comes up for a reward it's like the probability that you're gonna reward
that child properly under those circumstances zero you're gonna take the
opportunity to take your revenge and if you don't know that then you're not much
of a parent and so part of the trick with kids is that if your child is doing
something that makes you dislike them that you have to figure out how to stop
them from doing that and teach them how to do it properly and you have to talk
to your wife to make sure that you're not being too much of a monster you know
and the same with her but that that discipline is partly what enables you to
continue to like your child well you love them and even more than that you
know parents talk about fostering self-esteem and fostering creativity and
all of that and their kids and I think that's misbegotten
it's shallow for a variety of reasons first it's not that easy to foster
creativity because it's rare and self-esteem is a very badly defined
concept and mostly it's been used for harm not good what your job is as a
parent is to help your child learn from between two years old and say four years
old how to act in the world so that when people encounter them people smile and
are happy they're around because then you know I've seen kids who behave badly
and everywhere they go people wear false smiles and everywhere they go people are
relieved when they leave and that means you think about that world from the
child's perspective everyone's lying and all everyone hates them that's their
world and then if you have your child you know capable of adhering to minimal
social requirements like maybe being able to sit at the tables in a civilized
manner for an hour and being grateful for being fed let's say and knowing how
to share and knowing how to pay attention to adults and and not having
that you know that kind of terrible cynicism and and arrogance that
can develop even in a four-year-old child who's always had its way then then
they'll interact with adults in a manner that bring out the best and the adults
and every year they go everyone smiles at them and Pat's them on the head maybe
even tells them useful and interesting things and so the whole world opens up
for them and that's all a consequence of you having enough courage to admit to
yourself that your child can do things that you don't like and that you will
take it out on them if you don't straighten it out and people don't like
that idea because they think well I'd never do anything you know I love my
child I'd never do anything to hurt them it's like yeah Oh God
right you know you're so you're so asleep if you think that that that
there's almost no hope for you you have to think I'm way bigger than this child
and I'm way meaner and I'm wait Rekia and I'm Way more unpredictable and so I
better be very careful in my relationships with this child so that
the worst of me doesn't come out and then that gives you enough intelligence
to make a disciplinary framework that's minimal and enforce it properly and
carefully