One particular challenge that we can face as parents is dealing with
oppositional defiant disorder. How do you discipline a child with oppositional
defiant disorder? Let's have a little chat first about diagnosis. The diagnosis
of oppositional defiant disorder is completely behaviorally defined. What
that means is there's no blood test. There's no scan that you can do to find
out if your child has this thing, this disorder. This disease. It's not that kind
of a disorder. It's behaviorally defined and it has to do with being oppositional
or defiant resisting Authority, refusing to cooperate. Interesting that we would
behaviorally define a diagnosis. That may be more significant to me than it seems
to you. I think it's important to consider that because this is not the
kind of thing that we can simply give a pill for. It's not the kind of thing that
a surgical intervention would correct. This is the kind of thing that has to be
dealt with behaviorally. Because it's defined behaviorally. When we talk about
parenting or disciplining a child with oppositional defiant disorder, we could
even leave off the diagnosis at the end of that and say it's disciplining a
child. Think of your child first as your child. As a person, as a human being who
has a name and a history and a set of skills and attributes that are unique to
them. Among which our set of behaviors that may qualify them for this diagnosis.
That's something that will help to put you in a frame of mind that will deal
with your child a little more appropriately. When I think of
oppositional defiant disorder, my mind goes back to the 3 stages of moral
development that we've talked about on other videos on this channel. Very quick
summary, if you think of three distinct stages of moral development,
Stage one is oppositional and defiant and selfish and self-centred. We're
talking about stage one moral development. Stage two is where we stop
fighting and start cooperating. In fact, that's the dividing line between stage
one and stage two. Cooperation. Stage two you don't want any trouble. You want to
keep the peace you want to get along so you're going to comply you're going to
cooperate. That's stage two. Stage three is the highest stage of moral
development. It includes your responsibility and morals and values and
ethics that drive behavior. You do the right things for the right reasons in
stage three. So, what we're really talking about when we talk about disciplining a
child who has oppositional defiant disorder, it's the same conversation we
have about disciplining a child who's in stage one of their moral development. If
you want a quick review of this, go to the video teaching children
responsibilities here on the channel in the positive parenting playlist. That's a
way you can review all of those stages and you'll know better what I'm talking
about. Now, let's go to the discipline techniques. First of all, as a parent,
please remain calm. We should do a t-shirt right? "Stay calm and parent on."
Maybe I'll do that. Would you buy one? I think I might wear
that t-shirt. Stay calm. Don't get tipped over by your child's oppositional
behavior. If we have a stage one child, that's refusing to cooperate and being
disruptive in their behavior and we have a parent who goes stage one and starts
yelling and screaming at their child, now everybody's out of control. We got a big
old mess on our hands. You stay calm as a parent. You can do
that by knowing how to handle oppositional and defiant behavior. That's
why we're having this conversation. 3 rules about power struggles which you
are sure to have if you've got a child who's being oppositional and defiant on
stage one. 3 rules about the power struggles. Rule number 1: Avoid them.
Do not get into the power struggle if you don't have to. Rule number 2: If you
can't avoid them, make sure that you win them. Now, I tell kids the same thing. Hey,
if you're going to get into a power struggle, make sure that you can win it.
Kids are really good at this. They have this uncanny knack for following the
rule number 3 which is You Pick The Issues. You pick the issues and you
always pick something that you can personally control. That way you can win
the power struggle. And it doesn't have to be an argument. It doesn't have to get
all mean and nasty. You're in control so you don't have to worry about whether
you're gonna win that power struggle or not. Do you love that? 3 rules for
the power struggles: Avoid them. If you can't avoid them, win them. And you do
that by picking the issues. You always pick something that you can
control especially if you're working with an oppositional and defiant child.
In your interactions with a child who's being oppositional and defiant, you want
to stay in control of 3 important things. The timing, the content and the
emotion. Let's talk about each of those three in order. The timing. Sometimes, you
are feeling a little tipped over. You're a little upset. You're having some
emotional issues of your own. That is not the best time to discipline, confront or
interact with your oppositional defiant child. You want to control the timing. So
sometimes it might look like this: Let's say that you got a teenager that
violated your rule to be home at a certain time. They come home late. Do you
have to confront them as soon as they get home? No, you don't. In fact, it might
be really wise and strategic to wait for a little while and it'll drive them nuts.
But just try this. When they come in late, think about it. What have they been doing
all the way home? They've been coming up with their story, right? They're ready for
the fight. We want our kids to think not fight.
Will you put that in your notes please? Think not fight. Every interaction we
have with our kids we'll invite them to do one of those two things. They've been
thinking all the way home about how they're going to fight with you about
their being late. You want to control the timing. So, when they come in through the
door late, you say, "Welcome home. I'm glad you're here. We'll talk about this in the
morning." Ha! Now, they might try to engage you right now. "What? What's the
matter?" Or whatever, right? They go into their
oppositional defiant mode. You just can't be cool. You're going to be like, "No, I'm just
glad you're home. We'll talk about this and we'll do that tomorrow morning. I
think that'll be a better time. Good night." Alright. Now when you're smiling,
kids are thinking. It's a good rule of thumb. And what did you just invite them
to do? To fight with you? No, you want them to think. And putting them off
buying a little bit of time like that, controlling the timing gives them time
to think. Okay, you control the timing, the content and the emotion. Content. Let's go
there next. Sometimes when you're confronting or
dealing with or disciplining an oppositional and defiant child, they try
to change the subject on you. Like for example, they'll say, "Well you're mean."
Okay, whether that's true or not, that's not the topic. That's not what we're
discussing. That's not the content of our conversation right now. You want to
control the content. And there's a few ways to do that. So let's say that they
turn it back on you and they say, "You're not fair. You're just mean." Whatever, okay?
Well, let's now we're talking about. We're talking about their irresponsible or
defiant choice that triggered this conversation in the first place. So,
you're going to deflect that. What they're trying to do is sidetrack you,
okay? Sidetracking is an old railroad term. A sidetrack runs right along the
side the main track but it doesn't go anywhere. They just put cars over there
so that they can shift the order of the cars in the Train and then they
put him back on. Sidetrack doesn't go anywhere. And if they're trying to take
you off on a sidetrack, you're going to bring him right back on track, okay? So,
you might say something like this, "Whether I'm mean or not is not what we're
talking about right now. We're talking about your choice." Okay? So, you bring him
right back on track. You might also say, "That may be true. Nevertheless..." Alright?
And I love that word nevertheless. You can throw that in. Nevertheless and then
you bring him right back on track, okay? Don't let them sidetrack you into a
different conversation. You control the content. Control the timing, the content
and the emotion. That's going to be easier to do if you're controlling the first
2. You want to be in a good place emotionally before you have this
conversation about discipline for an oppositional child.
If you're feeling tipped-over, control the timing. You can also control the
emotion by separating the emotion from the discipline. The best way that I know
how to do this is make sure you pick consequences that you control 100%. You
don't need their buy-in, you certainly don't need their input. If they're being
on stage 1, they opt it out of participating in the conversation. They
have to be... At least on stage 2 where they're cooperating with you
before they even get to have any input into this conversation.
So, you think of consequences that do not require their cooperation that
allows you to stay in more emotional control as you're delivering the
discipline piece of this. Control the timing the content and the emotion. One
another quick tip that's going to help as you're working with oppositional or
defiant kids. Give them two choices. This is a basic parenting technique that
we've talked about in other videos. Quick review. 2 choices. Either one
you're okay with. One of them you control. And that one becomes the default. You
always give them 2 choices, you're okay with both of them and you control the
consequences for one. Here's a quick example. Let's say that you have a
school-aged child who's refusing to get in the car and go wherever you're
planning to go with the family. Refusing to do it, okay? That's oppositional, that's
defiant. So, you give them two choices. Here's the 2 choices. "Son, you can get
in the car pleasantly and respectfully for free or you can get in yelling and
screaming for fee." Alright, now. I'm okay with both of them. If you give them a
choice that you're okay with and one that you're not, guess which one they're
gonna pick? I know, right? So, you've got to be okay with both of them. Now, which one
do I control. I don't control whether he yells and screams or not. I do control
whether it's free or fee. And if he chooses to yell and scream, he's gonna
get a fee for that. We're not gonna get into the details in this video about how
to impose a fee. But basically it's something that you can control 100%. And
I control a lot of things that allow me to extract fees from my children. Now, if
I'm smiling, he's thinking. And we're likely to have a whole lot less
oppositional behavior if we'll handle it in these ways. You've got this. You are a
positive conscious parent. And because you're here on the channel, I know that
you're committed to the most important job in the world. We're here to help you
with that. Vicki and I have collaborated to put together the parenting powerup.If
you haven't checked it out yet, please go there now.
parentingpowerup.com where you can get some free resources and a whole lot
of other resources that will put you in the loop with positive parenting. We'll
see you there.