>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
( APPLAUSE ) HAPPY-- HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> HAPPY FRIDAY, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU, LOUIS.
I'M VERY EXCITED.
WE HAVE TWO GUESTS ON AT THE SAME TIME TONIGHT.
FIRST OF ALL, JOHN C. REILLY IS GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW TONIGHT,
A VERY SPECIAL APPEARANCE ON THE SHOW.
BUT, ALSO, TWO EXTRAORDINARY ARTISTS AND AMERICANS IN THEIR
OWN RIGHT, KEN BURNS AND MANDY PATINKIN ARE GOING TO BE ON HERE
TONIGHT TO TALK ABOUT A NEW PROGRAM.
>> IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD.
>> Stephen: KEN'S NEW FILM "BENJAMIN FRANKLIN" WHICH STARTS
MONDAY ON PBS.
I'M A BIG FRANKLYN FAN.
DO YOU LIKE FRANKLYN.
>> I LIKE FRANKLIN.
>> DO YOU LIKE FRANKLIN?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I NEVER FRANKELED.
I HEARD THAT ON THE MUPPET'S SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW, I NEVER FRANKLED AS A VERB.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, MINING
THE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT STORIES, COLLECTING
THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL IRON ORE, HAND HAMMERING IT INTO JOKE
PANELS.
THEN I CRAFT SHEETS OF BRONZE EMBLAZONED WITH PATTERNS THAT
TELL AN EPIC TALE OF CONQUEST AND GLORY.
THEN, USING THE GERMANIC TRADITIONAL PRESSBLECH
PROCESS, I PLACE THIN SHEETS OF FOIL AGAINST THE SCENES, AND BY
HAMMERING OR OTHERWISE, APPLYING PRESSURE FROM THE BACK,
I PROJECT THESE SCENES INTO A PAIR OF CHEEK GUARDS AND A
FACEPLATE.
AND, FINALLY, USING FLUTED STRIPS OF WHITE ALLOYED
MOULDING, I DIVIDE THE DESIGNS INTO FRAMED PANELS AND HOLD IT
ALL TOGETHER USING BRONZE RIVETS TO CREATE THE BEAUTIFUL AND
INTIMIDATING ANGLO-SAXON BATTLE HELM THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I COME TO MY SENSES FULLY NAKED
ON THE DECK OF A PIRATE-BESIEGED MALAY CONTAINER SHIP THAT PICKED
ME UP FLOATING ON THE DETACHED DOOR OF A PORT-A-POTTY IN THE
INDIAN OCEAN.
THEN, AFTER A SUNSTROKE-INDUCED REALIZATION THAT THE CREW OF
THIS SHIP PLANS TO SELL ME IN EXCHANGE FOR A BAG OF ORANGES TO
FIGHT OFF SCURVY, I LEAD A MUTINY USING ONLY A P.V.C. PIPE
AND A POOL CHAIN.
THEN, ACCEPTING MY NEW ROLE AS CAPTAIN, AND DECLARING MYSELF
KING OF THE WINE-DARK SEAS, I GRAB A DIRTY MOP BUCKET COVERED
IN BARNACLES AND ADORN IT WITH THE TEETH OF THE VANQUISHED, TO
CREATE THE SOPPING WET PIRATE CROWN OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS FUN.
THAT WAS FUN.
RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S HOME BASE.
MEANWHILE, IN MEDICAL NEWS, "DEADLY SEA SNAIL VENOM IS BEING
TARGETED FOR FUTURE PAINKILLERS."
BECAUSE, AS WE KNOW, THERE'S NO MORE RELIABLE PAINKILLER THAN
DEATH.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, "THE CONE SNAIL'S
VENOM CONTAINS CHEMICALS CALLED CONOTOXINS, WHICH THE CREATURE
USES TO PARALYZE ITS PREY," AND "A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE
POISON COULD FORM THE BASIS OF FUTURE DRUGS CAPABLE OF
BLOCKING PAIN."
SHOULD BE AN EASY SELL.
"HEY, NOT FEELING WELL?
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME POISON?
NO?
OH, I FORGOT TO SAY, IT'S 'MODIFIED' POISON.
WAIT, COME BACK!
IT MIGHT PARALYZE YOU!" ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, VACUUM CLEANER MAKER DYSON HAS COME OUT WITH A NEW
SET OF HEADPHONES WITH AN ATTACHMENT THAT BLOWS FILTERED
AIR AT YOUR FACE, WHICH THEY ARE CALLING THE "DYSON ZONE."
OKAY, THAT'S GREAT, BUT THEY SHOULD FIRE WHOEVER DIDN'T THINK
TO CALL THEM "NOSE CANCELING HEADPHONES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE NEW-- ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S-- THE NEW "DYSON ZONE" IS PERFECT
FOR ANYBODY WHO HAS EVER THOUGHT "I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THE
OFFSPRING OF DAFT PUNK AND BANE."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN BRITISH ROMANCE
NEWS, A METAL DETECTORIST HAD TO COME TO THE RESCUE WHEN A BEACH
PROPOSAL WENT AWRY.
FIRST OF ALL, I DIDN'T REALIZE A PERSON WHO OWNED A METAL
DETECTOR WAS CALLED A "METAL DETECTORIST."
( LAUGHTER ) I THOUGHT THEY WERE CALLED
"YOUR UNCLE KEITH WHO'S BEEN GOING THROUGH A LOT, SO JUST LET
HIM HAVE THIS, BECAUSE AT LEAST IT'S NOT HURTING ANYONE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S KEITH.
THE INCIDENT HAPPENED WHEN THE COUPLE LOST THEIR RING IN THE
SAND ON THE BEACH NEAR CLEETHORPES, LINCOLNSHIRE,
ENGLAND-- WHICH IS THE MOST BITISH-SOUNDING TOWN SINCE
CHIMNEY-SWEEPT-UPON-CRUMPET- BURY HEATH.
MEANWHILE, "POSITIVE DRUG TESTS FOR U.S. WORKERS HAVE HIT
THEIR HIGHEST LEVEL SINCE 2001, ( CHEERING )
ACCORDING TO AN ANALYSIS RELEASED WEDNESDAY BY QUEST
DIAGNOSTICS.
OR, AS THEY'RE BETTER KNOWN TO U.S. WORKERS, A BUNCH OF
SNITCHES ASKING FOR STITCHES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE... WOOO!
MEANWHILE, IN CONFECTIONARY NEWS, "SOMEONE'S SELLING
COUNTERFEIT WONKA BARS TO U.K.
SHOPS."
AND FOR ANYONE DUPED BY THESE FAKE WONKA BARS, A SPOKESMAN
OFFERED THIS APOLOGY: >> YOU GET NOTHING!
YOU LOSE!
GOOD DAY, SIR!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN C. REILLY.
WE MADE A BUNCH OF MOVIES.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOVIES.
STICK AROUND