Hello Afterlife Insurance
Yeah, I would like to get a quote for Afterlife insurance, please.
Sure, this is the Catholic division, we'll just ask you a few questions and I'll get you a quote.
How many times have you been to mass in the last year?
Four.
Funerals don't count.
What about Christmas Day, I was definitely there on Christmas Day.
Every eejit goes on Christmas Day.
New Christmas clothes,
You don't know when to kneel,
You don't know when to stand.
The kneeling's confusing.
How many times per day would you say you pray to Jesus?
The following don't count:
Jesus, I'd murder a sandwich.
Holy Christ, it's raining again.
Good God, would you give us a break, woman?
Your quote is...
467 Hail Mary's,
285 Our Father's,
And 88 trips to mass.
That's gone up since last year!
Yes, but you did have an affair.
Oh, that again.
27 500 lies?
When I mentioned it it was 78-
36 counts of theft?
Theft?
Supermarket tasters.
They're free!
More than two is stealing.
Thirty-six "borrowings" from the Trócaire box?
That's my money!
And zero trips to Lourdes.
I went to Knock!
Cheap connecting flight?
My no claims bonus.
Your no claims bonus is... zero years.
'Scuse me?
Your Granny was sick and you asked for help and prayed?
Ye.
You know what? I rang the Mormons,
And they offered me a much better deal.
Did they offer you marital breakdown assistance?
They just said: "Get a new one!"
Typical.
The Protestants:
They offered me divorce, bake sales, comfy church pews. With cushions!
We believe that cold heart church pews are a certain path to the Afterlife!
Ye. It gives you piles!
The only one who was more expensive than you,
Was the Scientologists.
250 grand cash upfront.
You know wha?
You're all in it together, you're all cartelling and
Pushing up your prices, that's what you're doin'!
So I take it you don't want any Afterlife insurance?
Ye, I'm young, I'm healthy!
I'll take the risk!
You'd rather be an atheist?
Ye.
Okay, well I sure hope you're never in an accident.
*sinister organ music*
*outro music*