-You know our first guest tonight from his work
on "Saturday Night Live,"
where he serves as one of the head writers
as well as co-anchor of Weekend Update.
Season 48 of SNL premieres Saturday, October 1st
on NBC and Peacock with host Miles Teller
and musical guest Kendrick Lamar.
Please welcome back to the show
our very good friend Colin Jost, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Yeah! [ Cheers and applause continue ]
I mean...
-Ah!
-Very nice to see you.
-Hi. Thank you.
That's very nice. -And look, we're the real --
I mean, no offense to Tom --
We're the real Blue Man Group. I mean, look at us.
[ Laughter ]
-That's right. It's great.
It's gonna be great branding for us.
-I'm so happy to have you back in the building.
You're gone -- you were gone all summer.
Did you have a nice summer? Was it laid-back?
-I know. I feel like we get to --
We have to like book appearances to get to hang out together.
-We're very old friends
and we only see each other on talk show appearances.
-I know, I know. It's wonderful.
Yeah, I had a great summer.
Very... We had a lot of family time.
We got to relax.
Like, I actually took some time off to be with our baby, too.
-How old is -- how old is Cosmo now?
He -- He turned one.
He's somewhere over one. Um...
[ Laughter ] I don't -- I don't c--
Like, you know, I don't ever need to know beyond that.
Yeah, like when people are like, "Oh, it's 15 months."
I'm like, that doesn't mean anything to me.
Does not change --
Just like, tell me when he's one.
Because then, before that, he's zero, you know?
Then, and then I don't really need to know till he's like --
till he's like five. -Five? Okay.
I feel like one -- -So, you want to know one.
-Five...
And then I guess 25? [ Laughter ]
Like, in case I need him to, like, you know,
rent a car to take me somewhere.
-Oh, that's helpful. -Yeah.
-So, basically, one to five,
that's one chunk for you, and then you don't care again
until they can help you rent a car.
-Yeah. Yeah, like you're --
you have three kids, so they're...
to me, they're like one...
-I have one -- Yeah. So, I have one --
-They're zero... -I have two ones and a five.
-Yeah, two ones and a five. -Yeah.
-So, you'll tell me when the other ones are five, right?
-Yeah, exactly. -We're fine.
-I mean, you don't mind if I call you right away?
-I mean...alright.
-Do you...
So, again, I consider you kind of a laid-back guy,
but being a parent, totally different.
Like, all of a sudden, I feel you experience fear
in a way you never had before.
Do you have any fears about being a parent?
-Lots of fears about being a parent, yes.
I mean, the hard --
I think when you have a decent imagination, it's worse.
because you can -- you don't have rational fears.
You have creative fears. -Yeah.
-You know, like we actually are not doing anything
to prevent the rational problems that could happen.
Like, we're not -- we've done no baby-proofing.
Every electrical outlet is wide open.
And a lot of them are the old ones,
like where they have, like, you know,
baby-finger-sized holes.
-Yeah. -And like, if you look in,
you see a little spark that could,
like, catch a baby's gaze, you know?
-Yeah. -And we have, like, every table
has, like, glass objects -- every coffee table.
One has just like a ceramic dish with small glass balls in it.
-You brought a photo of this. So, first of all, like...
Even if you don't have a baby,
this is a [bleep] thing to have.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughing ] I mean, I -- -What is this?
-I mean, I...
This is kind of shocking -- I wasn't the one who bought it.
But I don't...
No offense to the wonderful artist,
but this is for baby choking. This is just...
There's no other... -No, what baby -- first of all,
like, even if you're like. "Oh, don't worry, we'll zip it up,"
like, any baby is gonna be like, "I'm gonna unzip that!"
-And the great thing about this,
it doesn't zip up.
It's fake.
It's a fake ceramic zipper.
And I honestly think that when our baby goes
and picks them up, it's almost like if you see
someone dressed in a suit in a bad neighborhood.
Where, like, "We should rob him, but it seems like a trap."
It's too obvious. It's got to be...
I think he looks at it, but he's like,
"This is too obvious a choking hazard. I can't."
-Yeah, right. -"I'm not gonna fall for this."
-Yeah, it looks like --
like a sandwich underneath a box that has, like, a stick.
-A stick, where you're like, "There's something else."
-I should note that I didn't realize this was ceramic.
I have more appreciation for this now...
-Really? -...then when I first said.
I mean, I bet if you told me what it cost,
I might go back to [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
But I am impressed with the actual craftsmanship.
-Yeah, yeah, no, it's -- the craftsmanship's great.
No, the artist is gonna love the plug now.
[ Laughter ]
Well, so, we don't have...
So, we don't really do the -- but I have a lot.
My fear, like my number one fear
for what could happen to him --
eagles.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause bald eagles --
I don't know if you know this --
-Unh-unh. -Bald eagles are back.
-They are? -In a big way.
And everyone's like, "Oh, yay, they're back!"
-Yeah. -Till you got a baby.
You know, it's the same way people are like,
"Oh, the shark population's come back!"
Till you look, like every other day,
a guy in Long Island's getting torn to pieces.
You know what I mean? Not every other day, but...
But I am -- I mean, people are like, "Oh, it's great" --
-I will buy that people are excited
that bald eagles are back.
I've not heard a single person be like, "Hooray, sharks!"
[ Laughter ]
-My grandmother did tell me, like,
"Did you hear sharks -- there's now sharks in the ocean?"
I was like, "Now?"
[ Laughter ] But they...
No, but it is great that the shark population
has quadrupled and moved closer to shore.
That's really great. I think everyone loves that.
-That's great. -Eagles, to me, they're around.
-Uh-huh. -And they're...
I mean, I haven't done the research on this,
but I believe they're
the largest birds of prey in America.
I would maybe even say in the Americas.
I mean... -Yeah. I'm gonna just --
I'm gonna just put money that you're wrong.
-Yeah. -But you keep going.
-Well, I mean, America --
Costa Rica, obviously, there's --
there's islands off the coast where there's pterodactyls.
I mean, that doesn't -- I'm not --
I'm not counting -- I'm not counting Isla --
-Anywhere...Nothing, like...
Non-theme-park birds.
-Birds. Yeah.
Then I think that they're the largest.
-Yeah. -And you know, there's more now,
so there's competition for food.
You know, Thanksgiving's coming up,
and so they're probably like, "Oh, I could grab that baby,
feed these -- feed these baby eagles for weeks!"
I don't know what their Thanksgiving traditions are.
-Yeah. -We do a turkey.
But bald eagles might do babies. -Yeah.
-And maybe one of them's like,
"Oh, maybe this year we'll just do ham."
But it's like, "No, we gotta do a baby.
It's Thanksgiving!" You know what I mean?
-Right. Thanksgiving. -So I'm terr-- I'm like...
We go for walks and I'm scanning the horizon.
-Sure. You're just on eagle watch.
-I'm on eagle watch.
And then we go for a walk
and she's got Cosmo in the stroller,
and Scarlett puts a little hat on his head
that has mouse ears.
[ Laughter ]
On the hat! And I'm like,
"You're dressing our baby like food!"
-Yeah.
-He's full of these glass balls.
[ Laughter ]
It's -- It's eagle entrapment.
And of course, by the way, bald eagle --
they're bald, right?
Who are they gonna go after?
-Oh, right, right, right. -If they're angry at anyone...
It's one of the only things I've got going for me.
-Really good head of hair. -These eagles are looking at me
going... -"Should take that guy's baby."
-Yeah, that baby.
-You should have that artist make a ceramic Cosmo.
-And try to feed it...? -A decoy.
-Try to choke an eagle with it? -Yeah!
Like, an eagle comes down thinking
it's like a nice, soft baby, and they're just like --
Bam! -Doink!
-[ Laughing ] Doink! He's gonna doink right off it.
-Hey... -I'm great with sound effects.
They never let me do my own sound effects.
-They never do. It's such a bummer.
Hey, you and... I want to check in on the...
You and Pete Davidson bought an old Staten Island ferry.
-Yes. That's correct.
And you know I'm a professional
'cause I'm wearing the life jacket on shore.
-You just can tell.
[ Laughter ] This is...
You know how, like, sometimes your friends do something
and you're like, "Aw, why didn't they ask me?"
That is not how I feel about it.
[ Laughter ]
But do give me an update on the ferry that you bought
with Pete Davidson. -Oh, my God.
Financially, it's going great.
[ Laughter ] I mean, it is...
We are -- we are printing money.
It's -- It is our own money. It's ferry bucks.
But we are printing it,
desperately hoping that a dock will take it for payment.
-So, you don't have a dock yet?
-It's basically docked. I mean, it's not gonna
just drift into the Manhattan or anything.
It'll be fine. -That's great.
-It's tied down.
-Is it exciting to buy a ferry
right as the sharks come back?
[ Laughter ]
We bought...
This is why idiots should not be allowed to do things.
-Yeah.
-Pete and I bought this boat, and then, like,
there's so many immediate decisions you have to make,
and one of them is like, well, you have to create
a financial entity to deal with this boat.
And so we're on a call, and I'm just like,
"Alright, well, how about Titanic 2?"
[ Laughter ]
You know? And so, everyone on the call is like,
"Oh, that's great, let's do that!"
So that goes into a contract. Right?
And so now suddenly we're looking for insurance,
which we have to buy 'cause it's a giant deathtrap boat.
So you have to get insurance.
And then every insurance company's like,
"It's called Titanic 2?"
[ Laughter ]
And they're like -- same like as you,
they're like, "Is it docked?"
All these questions! You're like...
-That's one question!
That's the first question anyone's...
I like that you're like, "Stop grilling me!"
They're like, "Where does it live?"
-It's fine!
You have to also give it its own independence.
-The boat? -[ Laughing ] Just...
Next question!
[ Laughter ]
-Now you're in the building, you're back.
-Yeah, yeah, we're back. -You know, for the whole year.
You'll have to come back soon. We want an update on everything.
And it's just always the best to see, buddy.
I love you so very much. -Aww.
-You guys, that's Colin Jost. [ Cheers and applause ]
SNL returns live this week for its season premiere
with host Miles Teller
and musical guest Kendrick Lamar.
We'll be right back.