so today we're going to be talking about emotional intelligence and why it is
absolutely so important that we diligently work on upping our level of
emotional intelligence because more than anything an indicator for our success is
very much going to rely on our level of emotional intelligence codependency
depression panic attacks you name it my emotions were all over the place and I
was a highly emotional person so if you asked me 20 years ago if you if I
thought that I had a high emotional IQ I would tell you yes because I was
emotional but over the years studying psychology and studying codependency and
narcissistic abuse and studying emotions I began to realize that being emotional
doesn't mean you have a high emotional IQ my emotions were all over the place
I had no ability to regulate them I didn't even know what that meant
I just had an emotion and I reacted to it so emotional intelligence relies on
the ability to manage our emotions emotional intelligence is essentially
the ability to manage our emotions and even help manage the emotions of others
now to do this we need three things so I hope you have your pencils out number
one we need empathy for the self and we need empathy for others number two we
have to find ways to harness our emotions in a constructive way so that
we know what to do when emotions show up number three we have to be able to
emotionally regulate ourselves and we have to be able to help others regulate
their emotions as well so when I was highly reactive and highly codependent
and highly below the veil this is the way I lived my life I had empathy for
everybody else but myself I was a people pleaser I was a head bobber I did
everything from everybody everybody else and I had zero empathy for myself I had
been taught and programmed by my parents that emotions were irrelevant the second
thing that I did was I tried to be perfect I tried to suppress my emotions
I thought there was something wrong with me because I had
so many emotions my father would say often don't listen to this psychological
mumbo-jumbo because I love learning about psychology in college if I cried I
was called a drama queen when I was really young and if I was upset my
mother would say oh she's just looking for attention and so I the messages that
I received about emotions for they were bad they were stupid they were
irrelevant and yet here I was in emotional being
experiencing emotions and doing what I could to come up with ways to navigate
them which in most cases was denying them stuffing them and then when I
couldn't help it anymore I vomited them so the third thing I did because of my
childhood programming was instead of managing my emotions I reacted to them
and in all my people pleasing and my catering what I was trying to do was
find ways to deny my emotion so I didn't have to deal with them so I felt
abandoned and that had this loneliness so if I took care of somebody I felt
less lonely and maybe they'd never leave me so I didn't have a whole lot of
awareness around these things right in these situations and so I was constantly
reacting to what was surfacing and if anything I was trying to suppress my
emotions one of the major things that we have to understand and recognize about
emotional intelligence that in order to have emotional intelligence we need a
healthy sense of self I need a starting point and so I teach all of my clients
and in my coaching programs I talk about this heavily that if your parents did
not value your emotions then you do not have the healthy sense of self if you
were raised in a home where the self that you were was invalidated and you
grew up feeling invisible I call it the disease of invisibility if you grew up
this way you don't have a starting point and so it's nearly impossible for you
and it's not your fault to have high emotional IQ so I'm gonna teach you what
I call wave and it's an acronym for how you can develop high emotional IQ for
yourself and even for others so the first thing that you want to do is
witness you want to witness your emotions that means you have to
understand that you have to find the space where you dis identify from an
emotion and you learn to observe them so you're witnessing the emotion take
place within you from a higher state of awareness from them self-awareness is
part of emotional IQ and as you do this for yourself you also learn learn how to
do this for others so witnessing how others feel and what witnessing how
others are experiencing their world is how you want to also treat the cell so
this is twofold you're developing empathy for the self as well as for
other people witness your emotions the second thing you want to do is you want
to accept what emotions show up this is part of what I call the one-two-three
process that I teach in my 12 we break the coaching program and it is highly
highly successful and people are having amazing results with increasing their
level of emotional IQ and thus their happiness and their success so accepting
how you feel is huge what most people do is they judge how they feel or they
suppress how they feel or they don't want to feel what they feel or when they
see their child's as upset they want they don't want to deal with the fact
that their child is upset they want to suppress the child's anger or sadness or
they want to guilt the child for feeling what they're feeling they want to shame
the child so that the parent can feel better about the child's experience
because so often times when we're raising children what we do as parents
is our sense of self and I our identity and our worth comes from how health
happy our children are and so when our poor children are expressing a very
normal emotion it could be mommy I hate you right my son said that to me when I
was about nine years old and I was devastated
right and I was reactive I had very little emotional IQ at the time and if I
had a chance to go back in time I would handle that completely differently so I
would accept how my child felt I would acknowledge how he felt I would ask him
to tell me why he felt this way so the second thing you want to do is you want
to accept you want to acknowledge your feelings and the feelings of others you
want to validate how you feel so what does that look like so let's say I'll
just use the scenario you use with my son when he was nine years old if I had
high emotional IQ at the time which I did not then I would have said wow that
hurt me you know what my son said has hurt me it's triggered not enough miss
in me I I try so hard to make him happy and now my value of mine as a mother has
plummeted and I'm feeling bad I'm feeling insecure I'm feeling sad I'm
feeling disconnected from my son I'm feeling unworthy right so when I once I
witnessed this and I accept aside validate this I say to myself within my
own head these are very valid emotions you love this little boy he's obviously
upset you didn't buy him the video game he wanted you to buy him he is coming
from a nine-year-old space right he doesn't understand finances he doesn't
understand a lot of things you know his words have hurt you of course this hurts
you you love him so validating how you feel is very very important and at the
same time when people show up in your experience whether it's at work maybe
it's an employee or it's your sister or it's your spouse or it's your child
validating their emotion from an on egoic place don't make how someone else
feels don't make it about you just see there see their experience and keep it
outside of you remember that's an external experience the next thing you
want to do is you want to have empathy you wanna have empathy for yourself and
have empathy for others so what does that look like so again if we use the
situation that I just talked about with my son then I validate how I feel and
then I have empathy for my emotion so of course you know you feel this way it's
totally fine to feel this way you're a good mom you try hard you know this too
shall pass you know maybe you should go for a walk or you know maybe need some
time out for yourself so having empathy and understanding why
this emotion showed up and and just acknowledging it as a valid human
emotion without needing to react to it and yell at my son and punish my son is
a very healthy way to process this emotion when our children present to us
it's important that we teach them too that we have empathy for their feelings
so oh you hate me right now alright I guess if I was you I would hate me too
you know you're you're into this video game and
and your friends will have this video game and I've just told you that I'm not
buying this video game you must be really disappointed I can understand why
you feel that way that is a very intelligent mom right
very self-aware mom very compassionate mom that's a team player mom who
understands the value of teaching her child to understand that his emotions
are valid and that they are it's totally fine to express them and this child ends
up feeling seen and now he's developing a healthy sense of self at the same time
he's learning skills about managing his own emotions and managing the emotions
of others the fifth thing that you want to do is you want to express so you know
when it comes to a child or it comes to an employee you get these people to
express how they feel ask them why they feel the way they feel so it's sort of
like an exploration you're asking you're asking for more information now when
you're dealing with yourself what you want to do you want to get quiet and one
of my favorite tools is journaling right so you want to light a candle go into a
dark room you know have a small light on your desk and just journal about how you
feel from soup to nuts the entire experience and dig deep you want to
learn to develop an analytical mind about your emotions this way you're not
triggering and you're not reacting to your emotions you know an emotion showed
up and now it's your time and your job to analyze that emotion what we're
trying to do is approach our emotions from a patient perspective so highly
emotional intelligent people understand that there's an undercurrent right that
there's a reason why I feel the way I feel and I'm willing to explore that a
little bit more I understand that is not healthy to react to my emotions anymore
if you come from a trauma background you might have tremendous empathy for
everybody else but you might not have empathy for the self it's so important
that you learn to work on that first quality learning to have empathy for the
self so learning to master our emotions is all about three things learning to
master our emotions is about increasing our level of self-awareness so we can
learn to find the space between our thoughts and you can watch my respond
not react video and that'll help you with
that understanding where our motions coming from is what I call childhood
subconscious programming learning about codependency thinking about what type of
at home you were raised in and what kind of ideas you were taught about life and
even about yourself can help you become more emotionally intelligent we are
learning to understand that our emotions come from somewhere and they deserve to
be explored it's sort of like you go into your basement and you find that the
basement is flooded and instead of looking for the hole you just keep
dealing with the water you just keep taking buckets and taking them outside
but the water keeps returning dealing with their emotions is sort of like that
so we have these emotions which are just energy in motion and what we're trying
to do is find out where the source is coming from where is the whole wall like
I said earlier we recognize that our childhoods have a ton to do with how we
respond and our emotions this all helps us learn the value of managing our
emotions so many of us and those of you who watch my channel and follow my work
we struggle with emotions what we have to put into our heads dear ones is we
have to recognize that the goal from today on is to learn how to manage our
emotions rather than just react to our emotions when you master your emotions
you're mastering your world and your get to master your reality because thoughts
and feelings become expressed in the 3d world better known as manifestations my
name is Lisa Romano I'm a life coach and best-selling
author and the creator of the twelve we breakthrough coaching program which
helps you up your emotional IQ it's all about healing from codependency
narcissistic abuse and learning how to deal with the programs and the patterns
that would pass down to us through our families of origin learning to master
self is an amazing amazing journey and the more you can master yourself the
better your life experience will be and better will be the life experiences of
those who touch I run my class twice a year once in February and once in August
I moderated myself with the team and I'd be honored for you to check it out at
WWDC romano com1 lucky youtube winner a month is going to win a one-year
membership to my breakthrough or your membership site which holds
programs meditations podcast interviews and included in the membership is a live
group call every month with me on Facebook what you have to do is click
the subscribe button and click the notification bell to enter to win the
one year-long membership I so hope that this video has inspired you to
understand the value of upping your emotional IQ especially if you come from
a trauma background it's not your fault if you have triggers it's absolutely not
your fault if you live in survival but it's so important that we recognize the
value of learning to manage our emotions so that we are no longer pulled around
by our knows by emotions emotions can be managed and I just hope that this video
has helped you understand that a little bit more clearly and has given you some
direction and some thoughts to chew on as you up your emotional IQ now i'ma say
dear one says I balanced the love and a life that is absolutely in you bye for
now until next time