With the score at two-one to the Grosser,
we were given the easiest challenge in the history of Top Gear.
Go to the centre of London and park.
On the way we stopped for a cup of tea and an argument about running costs.
My last service bill...
£212.09. There it is.
-£212 for a hosepipe! -Yes. What was yours?
Read it and weep. That's the last service bill.
Eh?
50...
I misread that at first!
£15,950.59.
Yes. £15,900 for the service.
There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest.
What did it do, buy you a Golf?
In London our cars were plainly so much better than anyone else's.
Look at you. Look at you in the back of your Beemer.
You just look like a businessman, not a dictator.
Look at him living out his Chairman Margaret Clarkson fantasy.
Don't blow your horn, James,
or I'll blow mine back and then your ears will bleed.
Sure, our £25,000 cars were a bit enormous,
but then you need a lot of space when you're talking about this level of luxury.
This is my cocktail cabinet here.
Air-conditioning, of course, with mounting points for your shot glasses.
Here is an interesting early safety feature.
Window goes down. Window goes up, but stops a couple of inches short.
Then you press a little button
and it closes. That's so you don't cut your finger off.
Look at this bus. Why does he have to do that?
You wouldn't do that to most 600 drivers, mate.
You'd be in the boot without your head.
Soon, though, without executing anyone, we were in the West End.
And all we had to do was park.
How hard could that be?
No... Double yellow lines. Single yellow line, double yellow line.
Turned out to be a nightmare because when we did come across a space,
it always had a Smug Mobile in it.
Look at them!
Two gee whizzes taking up one space, that's just selfish.
In May's Britain, that would be punishable by six months in prison.
Happily though, electric car drivers have no style.
So, we headed for the one place we knew would be gee whiz.
Savile Row. There's always a parking space on Savile Row.
James, that's a parking space. I'm going to have it.
Now we could put this challenge to bed.
I'm good at parallel parking. I lived in London for 18 years.
-How am I doing? -Badly.
Well, I am going to park if it kills me. Come on!
No. What exactly would you like me to do?
God, this is embarrassing.
And that's affecting traffic going into Harrogate.
Finally, we're getting a lot of calls about severe congestion
and delays around Regent Street in central London.
Don't know what's going on, but callers are saying it's a nightmare,
so avoid it for the time being.
That's it for now. More traffic news in around half an hour.
It's not going to fit, is it?
So, bravely, I gave up.
I'm really sorry about that.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
[bleep]
I do not know how long a standard London parking bay is,
but I suspect it's about a foot shorter than the Mercedes big.
Eventually, we did find two end on spaces.
However...
Where do you put the money?
Cards only.
Annoyingly, the instructions were tiny, very tiny.
Because of all the different languages spoken in London, it's all just signs.
What's that? Flag minus plus... It's...
That's where you put your PIN number, I'm sure.
Right, put your card back in.
-"Selection avec bouton bleu..." -That must...
"Pagmento".
Where's that from?
-Hit everything. -No, you've just cancelled it.
-What was the matter with money? -"Remove card". We haven't paid.
We've been thwarted.
At the next place we found, you didn't need credit cards.
However...
Customers are required to set up an account.
You will need a valid credit or debit card. All transactions are subject...
You are responsible for entering the correct vehicle and location...
and normal parking regulation over our network delivery...
Click check to find an alternative spaces when necessary.
-How long have we been now? -All my life.
Bravely, we gave up again and headed for a traditional multi-storey.
Look at that, a ticket to park a car.
This was great.
They take your money, however it comes, and in return, you get spaces.
Yes!
I am in. I'm parked.
Ah.
Oh, no!
I can't get out.
And James couldn't get in.
Doesn't fit.
Which was making everyone very cross.
Shut up!
Okay, fine. You want to have a horn race? Ready, steady...
Now, that's a horn!
And it got us thrown out.
It was becoming apparent that the large car driver cannot stop in London anymore.
And because there are now so few petrol stations,
it is also extremely difficult to keep going.
Oh, bloody hell!
Jezza, I've run out.
Hang on, I'll come and give you a hand.
In a normal car, this is not embarrassing. However...
Jezza, help, help, help!
Just push it. I'm going to get... I'm going to get raped or something.
-Come on, man, turn the wheel. -Put your foot down!
Hang on!
Come on, pump it, James, pump it!
-Two miles an hour! -That's the fastest he's ever been.
Anybody not doing anything?
London, it is a fantastic city.
But unfortunately, if you have a car like James's,
you can't go there anymore.
-Has it gone in your mouth? -Yes, it has.
Just admit that mine's the superior car.
It's got more petrol in it. I would admit that.
It is the colour of an afterbirth, James. Afterbirth car.
There is only one way we can settle this.
What I have here is a list of famous people
who, in the past, have owned a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
Elton John, Liberace, Dick Emery...
Remember? "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you."
And James May.
What do they all have in common?
What you're trying to say is, because I've got a Corniche,
I must, by association, have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits.
-That's it, yes! -Right, okay.
-Fair enough. -Spangly jumpsuit man.
Let's have a look at the Big's famous former owners. They are...
-Is Max Mosley on that list? -No.
It's worse. It's worse. Look, Amin, Brezhnev, Ceausescu, Tito,
Hoxha, Hussein, Castro, Klerk, Hirohito,
Pot, Tung and Elvis Presley.
-An impressive list. -It is an impressive list.
But if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder
millions of people, or you're going to die on the bog
trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
So, really, it comes down to a simple choice.
-Camp... -Or camp commandant.
Exactly!