good morning it is Wednesday April 24th
about 4:30 a.m. I just took three
medications booze barboo program and
duloxetine when I have an episode
hallucinations
I will hear these very loud voices very
close to my ear it's almost like a
whisper but it's loud if I had to
describe it it was like if a shadow good
yell feeling a little deflated I'm
really stressed out and stress really
exasperate exacerbates the symptoms of
schizophrenia I have some concerns with
anyone standing directly behind me I
have also seen these like shadows on the
walls that come along with the voices
like a monster clawing across the wall
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my name is Allie Burke and I live with
paranoid schizophrenia
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the mornings are hard especially you
know during the week I mean it's hard
for anyone to get up at 4 o'clock in
morning me having to take anti-psychotic
medication it's like it's really hard to
get up I set like five alarms in the
morning and sometimes I still can't get
up and my dad will come in and be like
don't you have to go to work I am 32
years old and I live with my dad
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paranoid schizophrenia is a brain
disorder which can cause a multitude of
symptoms the way that it manifests with
me is paranoia I am afraid of being
poisoned so I have some concerns with
you know anyone like standing directly
behind me being too close to me and also
leaving my drink down where I can't see
it so that is an everyday thing for me
even with medication some things that
the medication has helped me with is the
hallucinations such as the voices and
the you know the shadows that I see I do
on occasion still hear voices it's in a
language that I can't understand and
there's another voice that tells me that
I'm useless and worthless and not worth
anything and that I should just quit and
give up everything that I do
so I take these three medications and
morning there are two antidepressants
and one anti-anxiety me being tired is
definitely a side effect of an
anti-psychotic medication that I take at
night my boyfriend and I are going to
see a movie today this morning before
the movie I'm going to work on some
stuff I'm the senior VP of a nonprofit
organization stigma fighters essentially
is a platform to give people with mental
illnesses a voice I do work a lot for
the day job and then I have my writing
stuff and I'm working on a couple of
projects right now it's a couple other
people with schizophrenia so it's a lot
it's a lot to do and not enough time
I never really realized as a child that
there was something potentially wrong
with me
I just thought that's one of those scary
things that you have to deal with when
you go to bed at night the monsters come
out and that's really how I looked at it
pass forward a little bit I was in
college and I started hearing the voices
while I was taking a test and that was
the first time I had ever heard them
during the daytime the next couple years
were really difficult they started
getting worse and worse and I started
seeing these like shadows around so
eventually I went to see a psychiatrist
and they prescribed me some medication
which would be many many years of me
trying different medications and trying
to figure out what works for me that
time they diagnosed me with
schizoaffective disorder but a couple
years later they changed it to paranoid
schizophrenia it's very scary to know
that at anytime you know something could
happen where you're gonna see something
that maybe other people don't see or
you're gonna hear something that other
people don't hear it's not a hundred
percent that I can predict that I'm
going to have an episode today it is
going to happen sometimes and that I
think is just the nature of how the
disorder affects me personally but there
are triggers that I have identified
forms itself which includes like stress
and feeling overwhelmed I don't know how
conclusive this is but there's some
information out there to suggest that
smoking or vaping can reduce the side
effects of antipsychotic medication
it keeps me calm especially in
high-stress days
the Internet has been very helpful in
connecting with people with
schizophrenia a friend of mine found me
on my Facebook page he's an artist and
he actually made an illustration of me
these are the medications that I take
there's books there because he knows
that I'm obsessed with reading it was
very difficult at first because I didn't
have insurance my first doctor was
trying to work around that and at the
time the medication that worked really
well for me did not have a generic it's
taken me pretty much since I was 26
probably until I was 31 to get the right
mix of medications so these are the two
medications I take at night
- I paksa for is the antipsychotic and
the ambient is the sleeping pill
I do come out here a lot I love the
flowers I grew up in this house you know
it's a good environment for me I have no
idea what any of the stuff is but it's
also beautiful so I love it if I'm
having like a bad day or I'm having some
symptoms I can just get close to the
animals and they'll always be there they
love you unconditionally no matter what
you're going through so come on in or
out interrupts okay
pick one
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hello it's good to see your face so I
wanted to give you a call and talk a
little bit about the book that we
discussed kind of about you know our
experiences with schizophrenia I think
that's important to include in my
backstory as well I think people saved
my life I'm so thankful to those people
those strangers stepped in and literally
I personally didn't know anyone with
schizophrenia when I was diagnosed so I
think it really helps to have someone to
relate to and and to give you advice
from time to time
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I'm going to my boyfriend's house we
were together for two years
and we took some time apart because of
how I was struggling with schizophrenia
he pays attention and kind of knows when
I'm having a hard time so he he is
amazing
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yes
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are you driving I'll Drive
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that we've ever seen an Avenger movie
together in the theater happily we
weren't able to get tickets in the very
back which is usually where we sit
because my paranoia makes it difficult
for anyone to be behind me but they
weren't available so I am a little
cautious about going but I'm a huge fan
so I'm just gonna I was living with
DeLong I was just really struggling with
mental health I was in a bad way I was
depressed I was anxious I didn't feel as
if I was in a position to support him in
a relationship so I said going to to
move in with my dad and see how that
goes and of course we found each other
again about five months ago and it's
been absolutely amazing it's been a
great moment we can with each other so I
do sometimes regret leaving but at the
same time in the state of health that I
am in now I really feel that it was the
right thing to do both for me and for
him you know what are you getting check
this out I know you
so when I walk into a restaurant that's
you know kind of busy for example I
would usually look for a table like this
which i think is very lucky today
because you can't always find them it's
fear really someone is trying to harm me
someone is standing behind me German
army and it's funny because yesterday
that she was telling me that I was good
with making sure that she gets a booth
or something against the wall she said
I'm good with it but actually you think
to be honest it comes naturally I know
it's not rational for me to not want to
look away from my drink in a restaurant
but I can't shake it
thank you so much thank you so much I do
have plans to to move in with DeLong
besides my dad I couldn't think of a
better person more supportive person to
start a life with
I'm very fortunate because not everyone
with this illness is able to access
medication like I can I don't know where
I'd be today without my insurance I'm in
my 30s and I live with my dad but my
fear is that I won't be able to work and
I won't be able to qualify for a
disability and you know I won't be able
to have a home or have a car that fear
comes from people that are in that
situation there are people with
schizophrenia who don't have a home and
don't have anyone to support them it is
very real thing that's going on in our
world and scares me
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