♪♪
-Let's get to the news!
President Biden returned to the White House this morning
after spending the weekend at his beach house in Delaware.
Things must be pretty rough in Washington
if you think to yourself, "You know what would be great?
The beach in November."
[ Laughter ]
According to a new pool, 61% of voters approve
of the bipartisan infrastructure bill,
at least until Biden signs it.
Former President Barack Obama
spoke today at the U.N. climate summit in Scotland
where he warned that without immediate action
global temperatures could rise
by as much as two more buttons.
[ Laughter ]
The "Sesame Street" character Big Bird
announced over the weekend on social media
that he received his coronavirus vaccine shot.
"We'll take him!" said the Packers.
[ Laughter ]
Good graphic.
[ Laughter ]
It's a good Photoshop. You wait all day.
I don't see 'em -- I see 'em when you see 'em.
And I'm pretty happy about it. You know?
According to a new report, President Biden farted
while speaking to Britain's Duchess Camilla Parker Bowles
at the U.N. climate summit, which brings us to a segment
called, "How Is There Not Video of This?!"
How's there not video of this?
Do you know what kind of currency that clip would be
for monologue writers?
Think of how many times you've seen his falling up the stairs.
Now imagine if instead of falling up the stairs
he was tearin' ass in front of a royal?
How's there not video of this?
I'd rather not even know what happened...
than know what happened, but I'll never see it.
Be like if you just heard about
that news reporter stomping grapes.
[ Laughter ]
Well.
Maybe that'll cheer me up. Can we just show that?
-Oh. Oh!
Oh! Ogh-ogh-ogh-ogh!
-Yeah.
Yeah, that helped.
-This has been "How Is There Not Video of This?!"
-That's right.
Apparently, Britain's Duchess Camilla Parker Bowles
hasn't been able to stop talking about
how President Biden let out a loud, long fart
when they spoke at last week's U.N. climate summit.
To be fair, he warned her that he was about to cut methane gas.
[ Laughter ]
Does that mean that's wor-- that she --
I just would have thought
a duchess would have a different word than "fart."
Learn a new thing every day.
A couple in New Zealand recently grew a potato
that was about 17 pounds and named it Doug.
It's what many in New Zealand
are calling "our top story tonight."
[ Laughter ]
Several inmates at an Oklahoma jail
recently filed a federal lawsuit that claims
they had been tortured by being forced to listen
to the song "Baby Shark" on repeat for hours.
So if you're wondering whether we need prison reform,
I'd say we definitely...
♪ Do, do, do, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Do, do, do ♪
[ Laughter ]
Finally, today was celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey's
55th birthday.
He spent the day exactly the way he wanted to --
screaming at the person who baked his cake!
♪♪
11 democratic senators
sent a letter to President Biden yesterday,
calling on him to explore options to lower gas prices,
which has to be so aggravating,
for a guy who's been hawking Amtrak for 40 years.
[ As Biden ] Oh, are gas prices too high?
God, I wish I had an idea for you.
[ Laughter ]
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis filed paperwork yesterday
to run for reelection in 2022, which, in Florida,
is just finishing the maze on the back page of Highlights.
[ Laughter ]
The writer who wrote that is from Florida.
[ Laughter and applause ] I don't want anyone to think
that it's just like us global -- whatever, coastal elites.
Global elites.
[ Laughter ]
Republican Representative Paul Gosar on Sunday
tweeted a digitally editade -- edited, excuse me --
animé-style video that appeared to show him
attacking Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
and President Joe Biden.
You edited yourself into an animé cartoon?
[ Laughter ] You're like that kid
in elementary school who insists he knows kung fu,
but legally isn't allowed to show you.
[ Laughter and applause ] "My hands are registered
with the FBI, so..."
[ Laughter ]
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos jokingly threatened
actor Leonardo DiCaprio yesterday on Twitter
after a video surfaced showing DiCaprio talking
with Bezos' girlfriend at a gala.
What a scandal!
DiCaprio was talking to a woman over the age of 30?!
[ Laughter and oohs ]
West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin
is reportedly in talks for a book deal.
Well, technically, someone else will write the book,
then, he'll cut out all the good parts.
[ Laughter and ohs ]
And that's budget comedy.
[ Laughter ]
Ooh, you came from budget comedy and here it is.
[ Laughter ]
In a new interview, New York Mayor-elect Eric Adams
suggested that cryptocurrency should be taught in schools.
Oh, no, are we going to end up missing this guy?
[ Laughter ]
France's Catholic Church announced yesterday
that it would financially compensate sex abuse victims
by selling assets or taking on loans,
which explains this new listing on Zillow.
[ Laughter and oohs ]
[ Cheering ]
Looks very nice.
According to a new report, a 39,000-ton pile
of unsold clothes from fast fashion retailers
has accumulated in the Chilean desert.
Now, all they have to do is build four walls around it
and throw up a sign.
[ Laughter and applause ]
According --
According to a new study, going to bed too early
or too late may disrupt the body's natural rhythm
and increase the risk of cardiovascular disease.
So, just to be safe, let's all
randomly change our clocks twice a year for no reason.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Nike has filed for trademarks
for a new line of virtual clothing.
It'll be the first Nike clothing line
made entirely by virtual children.
[ Laughter and ohs ]
Now...
...when you guys didn't take to the T.J.Maxx joke,
I had a feeling -- [ Laughter ]
I had a feeling this one was going to be pretty bumpy, and...
[ Laughter ]
...called it.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo
over the weekend wished his dog Captain a happy fourth birthday
in a post on social media.
Unfortunately, Captain unfollowed him a long time ago.
♪♪
According to a new report from the Labor Department,
U.S. consumer prices are surging more than they have in 30 years.
Okay, how much more bad news is Biden going to get?
[ Laughter ] At the end of the month,
we're going to find out the turkey he pardoned was
at the Capitol on January 6th.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A federal judge ruled last night that former President Trump
cannot shield White House records
from the House Select Committee
investigating January's Capitol attack.
Oh, he really wants to, though.
He's acting like a boyfriend
who just had his phone snatched out of his hand.
"You don't have to hold it to look at it!
[ Laughter ]
I will just show it to you, but don't scroll!
[ Laughter ] Uh, scrolling uses up battery!
[ Laughter ]
During a visit to the White House on Monday
to celebrate winning the 2021 NBA Championship,
the Milwaukee Bucks gave President Biden
a custom jersey with the number 46 on the back
and he was really excited because he thought it was
his approval rating.
[ Laughter ]
Twitter yesterday launched its so-called
Twitter Blue subscription service in the U.S.,
which will cost around $3 per month
and allow users to undo tweets before they post.
Or, for $6 per month, you can get Twitter Gold,
and they'll just delete your account entirely.
[ Laughter ]
After missing this week's game, due to COVID,
Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers said,
in a new interview, that he has had
"a lot of time for reflection while in quarantine."
Unfortunately, he does all his best thinking
in the shower and, as you can see...
[ Laughter ]
Television host Dr. Oz is reportedly considering running
for a senate seat in Pennsylvania.
What? Who would ever want Dr. Oz to be their senator?
The only thing crazier would be
wanting Dr. Oz to be your doctor.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It was announced today that actor Paul Rudd is
People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive,
reclaiming the title he first received
in 1938.
[ Laughter ]
A middle school history teacher in California
was recently removed
after telling students last month
that Donald Trump was still president.
Though, for what it's worth,
I bet she's still telling people she's a teacher.
[ Laughter ]
Rapper Kanye West's clothing brand Yeezy
settled a lawsuit this week with the state of California
over shipping delays
and agreed to pay nearly $1 million,
or, as it's known at Yeezy,
a shirt.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, according to a new survey,
40% of Americans said that they strongly approve
of "Sesame Street's" Big Bird announcing on social media
that he got a coronavirus vaccine.
They were less comfortable, though, with hearing
why Oscar needed the hep C vaccine.
♪♪
President Biden is set on Monday
to sign the bipartisan infrastructure bill into law,
provided they can get Joe Manchin off of it.
[ Laughter ]
After New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu
announced this week that he will not run next year for Senate,
Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is reportedly upset
that Sununu did not give him advance notice
or -- hear me out --
that's just how he looks.
[ Laughter ]
That photo was taken at Six Flags.
[ Laughter ]
During their virtual summit next week,
Chinese, President Xi Jinping is reportedly expected
to invite President Biden to the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics,
but, for his part, Biden says he'll only go
if he qualifies.
[ Laughter ]
According a new poll, 76% of Americans said
that Facebook makes society worse.
Said Zuckerberg, "Right, but what do you think of Meta?"
[ Laughter ]
Apple CEO Tim Cook said, in an interview this week,
that he's worried about the amount of time
people spend "scrolling mindlessly" on their devices,
which is kind of like hearing that your weed dealer
is worried you sleep too much.
[ Laughter ]
The Canadian fast-food chain Tim Hortons announced
a collaboration with pop star Justin Bieber
to launch three new flavors of doughnut holes.
When they first come out, they'll be cute,
but then, they'll become really annoying.
[ Laughter ] Then, all of a sudden,
you'll be like, "Wait a minute.
Are these doughnut holes actually good?"
[ Laughter ] Before realizing you are
way too old to be enjoying them.
[ Laughter ]
A 105-year-old runner,
Julia "Hurricane" Hawkins, recently set a world record
in the 100-meter dash for her age group.
The new record is eight meters.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm totally fine with your reaction.
[ Laughter ]
According to new reports, reality star Kim Kardashian's
shapewear brand SKIMS' collaboration
with the luxury fashion brand Fendi
sold out in just one minute,
continuing the Kardashian family trend
of immediately selling out.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, today is
actor Leonardo DiCaprio's 47th birthday
and, when he blew out the candles,
he was still Leonardo DiCaprio.
[ Laughter ] "Hey, I got my wish!"
And that, you guys, was a monologue.
♪♪