- Today I'm gonna share some peaceful approaches
and steps that you can take practically
to wean your baby or toddler from breastfeeding.
Now big disclaimer here.
If you love breastfeeding, if it's working for you,
then by all means keep going.
Many children around the world and throughout history
have nursed well into their fourth, fifth
or even sixth and seventh years of life.
And if that's working for you, if that's how it works
in your culture, then that's absolutely fine.
But today I'm gonna be answering a question
about how you can wean if it's not working for you.
Or if you're done, that's okay too.
This is a question I recently got from Phoebe
and she writes, "Hi there, thank you so much
"for your truly inspirational and honest videos.
"I'm having a real challenge with weaning my son
"off the breast and I'm struggling
"to find a peaceful approach.
"He happily tastes food and participates in mealtimes,
"but most of his caloric intake is my milk.
"He's just turned one and is still feeding
"roughly every hour which means he's just
"not hungry enough to eat real food.
"If I try to delay or distract, it only redirects him
"for about 10 minutes and he gets very upset
"after a few tries, crying, hanging on to me, et cetera.
"I've been really ready to stop for quite a few months
"and I'm now starting to resent breastfeeding.
"He's not getting the nutrients he needs,
"especially because he's a big boy
"and quite physically advanced for his age.
"I don't want to have to battle with him
"or leave him feeling abandoned or disconnected,
"but I'm struggling to find
"a respectful way to end our journey.
"Any advice would be amazing, especially because
"my mother figures have very traditional parenting views
"and bottle fed their children, so I'm trying
"to figure it all out on my own.
"Sorry for the novel, thank you again
"for all your wonderful content, Phoebe."
Now I just wanna say, I am not a nutritional expert
and I'm not a pediatrician and I know that a lot of you
watching as you hear this question,
all sorts of thoughts come up for you.
Like he is getting enough caloric intake
as long as he's nursing on demand.
Or you shouldn't stop nursing because it's not time yet.
He's only, you know, one years old or however old he is.
I think he's, yeah, he's turned one.
So you have all of those thoughts in your mind
and the truth is that I'm not even going to address those.
I'm going to work off the assumption and the belief
that I hold that it is okay for parents to be done
breastfeeding, and when they are done,
there are peaceful, gentle and respectful ways to wean.
So that's what we're gonna be talking about today
and if you feel like, no I don't want to wean,
it's not right and it's not the right thing
and we should breastfeed forever
and we should normalize that,
yes we should normalize that.
But it's also part of our culture and it's also normal
to wean, both of those things are legitimate
and in different cases, different things make sense.
So let's go into my answer to Phoebe and to anyone else
who's trying to wean and I personally do wean my children.
I don't wait for them to self-wean
because I feel as Phoebe feels,
that at some point I feel done.
I feel that I start to get resentful of it.
I feel like it's not working for us.
I feel like it's limiting my children's ability
to start to eat proper food.
I've had that experience too and I can relate to that
and I don't think it makes us any less of a breast-feeder.
You know, even if you don't breastfeed at all,
you're still a wonderful parent and everything's okay
and there's zero judgment, so let's just focus
really on the topic at hand which is how to wean
in a natural, respectful and gentle way.
Number one, you need to get clear on your why.
Whenever we wanna set a boundary or make a change
in our lives, it's really crucial that we get grounded
and crystal clear on why we're doing that.
It's gonna be very hard to face our challenges,
to face a crying child, to face a child who's begging us
to nurse and to set a boundary if it's not really very,
very rooted in a why, in a reason that makes sense
and logic and common sense or a deep intuition.
So you have to get crystal clear on your why no matter
what boundary you're trying to set,
especially with weaning which is so emotionally pulling.
So in this case, Phoebe wrote two important reasons.
One is she said he needs to be hungry enough
to eat some real food to meet his caloric needs.
Now I'm trusting Phoebe knows this and she's checked
this out with her doctors or whatever,
but for whatever reason in this case,
he's nursing every hour which is admittedly
often for a one year old, right?
Or maybe even for a newborn, that sounds often to me.
So he needs to be hungrier, that's a good reason.
That's an important reason.
The second reason is that Phoebe herself is feeling
touched out and getting resentful of nursing.
That's another really good reason.
Now, can she reframe around this,
can she change her mindset?
Sure, she can, but she can also set a boundary.
Both are legitimate responses.
So when she grounds herself in these reasons,
she knows that they're worthy of conviction,
she knows that they're important.
And when she feels like wait, there's a real reason
I'm saying no to nursing right now
or I'm spacing out the nursing, there's a real reason
I want to wean and then she's able to go forth and do it
and follow through because it's not just for no reason.
So think about this with whatever
boundary you're working to set.
If it's establishing a bedtime or stopping a certain
behavior like hitting or being destructive,
there's a real reason that you're setting boundaries around
those and they're important, those reasons are worthy.
So just remind yourself of that and ground yourself
in your own common sense and in your own logic here.
Number two is make a decision and write it down.
Write down your boundary.
When it comes to nursing, there are lots of different things
you could decide to gradually stop doing.
You could decide, I'm not gonna be comfort nursing,
for example, if my child falls down, gets hurt,
needs to snuggle with me, I'm going to now snuggle them
and comfort and soothe them without nursing
so that it doesn't continue to be an emotional habit.
You could decide that I'm nursing in the mornings
and the evenings and once in between.
So three times a day, but I'm not nursing every hour.
You could decide that I'm not nursing anymore frequently
then every two hours or every three hours
and I won't do it more frequently then that.
So if I've just nursed, we have to find other things to do,
other ways to soothe you, other ways to snuggle
and connect, other food to eat until two hours
or three hours have passed.
You could decide I'm only nursing in the living room
or only in the bedroom, right?
It could be linked to a place, especially when you're home.
I only nurse there so that for example, I stop you having
a sleep crutch where you fall asleep nursing.
You learn to fall asleep by yourself
and I nurse you in the living room and then we go snuggle
in the bed until you fall asleep,
but I don't nurse you at that time.
So there are lots of different boundaries that you can set,
but I find that it's really important to write them down.
First of all, it's important for yourself
because it sends a message to your brain,
this is something that I mean,
this is something that I need to focus on.
It reminds you of the decision you made
'cause yes, we're exhausted, tired parents
and there's decision fatigue and just general fatigue
and you might not remember what you said.
Did I say every two hours?
Did I say every three hours?
And that might sound a little controlling and rigid,
but look, when you wanna get results,
you've got to actually put a stake in the ground
and say this is what I'm committing to.
Otherwise you can just cruise and continue nursing forever
which is fine if it's fine with you.
But it doesn't sound like it's fine with Phoebe
and wasn't fine with me, so I needed to set
boundaries for myself to say, okay,
here's what I'm willing to do.
Here's what makes sense for us right now.
We're gonna nurse morning and evening,
for example, but only gonna nurse in the bedrooms.
Or we're only gonna nurse every three hours
and just really make that clear.
Now with that, you also wanna establish alternatives.
How are you going to comfort your child?
How are you going help them fall asleep?
What are you going to feed them?
Are you going to offer them a drink
of water instead of nursing?
Or to sit on your lap or a special blanket
or they're favorite toy or reading a book together?
It's not about distracting, 'cause we're not like,
oh look over here, shiny object, don't think about nursing,
forget nursing, it doesn't exist.
We're not trying to distract them,
but we are trying to transfer the needs that were met
by nursing to be met by something alternative
and that's more appropriate now
for this new stage that we're entering.
So what's another way of meeting those needs?
Maybe the needs for closeness is
about reading a book and snuggling together.
The need for hydration is about drinking water et cetera.
So establish the correct alternatives as well.
The next step is to get other people on board with this
to help you as your accountability buddy,
as your support person, right?
If you have a partner, if there's a nanny in the picture,
if there are friends who you see on a regular basis,
just speak it out loud, as you write it out loud,
you might want to hang it on your door,
especially in the middle of the night you forget
what you said, you said every three hours,
but now the baby's crying so you might as well nurse.
And you kind of let your boundary slip
because you're tired or because no one's reminded you
and no one supported you.
When you write it down, you not only establish it
for yourself, but you also share it with the people
around you and you make sure everybody's on board.
The next thing is to think gradual.
Everything, every kind of new behavior is easier acquired
when it's gradual, I mean some things we wanna go
cold turkey, but most things are a process.
Especially with children, with childhood development.
It's a process, so the process might be spacing it out,
those boundaries that you're writing down
should be boundaries that are spaced, right?
Maybe now it's every hour and that's too much for Phoebe,
so she's feeling resentful, but if she pushes it
to every two hours and then every three hours
and then twice a day, well that might become something
that she even wants to carry on for another year.
Who knows, maybe suddenly the resentment will calm
and she'll feel like she's enjoying this
and she'll want to carry on because she set that boundary
and she gradually grew the space in between.
Or maybe the nursing will just fizzle out.
Lots of kids will just kind of forget about it
at that point, it just won't happen anymore.
So we wanna kind of think about it as a gradual process.
But one that you're committed to.
You've written it down, you know your plan,
you know your timing, you know your dates,
you know your alternatives and you're getting
the other people around you on board as well.
And remember, you're rooted in your why.
You know why you're doing this, it makes sense.
It's an important thing to do and you have that conviction.
Also related to getting other people on board is
it might be really helpful for your child
to be with someone else during that time
that you're trying to space out the nursing.
Get Daddy on board more or a mother's helper
or big sibling or a cousin or a neighbor
or just be with other people as well.
If someone else can come, if Grandma can come
and take him for a walk during that time.
You know, being around you and having access to you
and being used to turning to you to nurse for comfort
and just as a regular habit is harder to break
when the baby is constantly with you.
So if Daddy can take him for a walk
or Grandma can take him for a walk
or you can get out of the house without him,
that might be really helpful, or even if he's in a stroller
and he's seeing the world and he's watching birds fly by
instead of just being on your lap and smelling the milk
and being so close to you and wanting to more,
that will be easier.
So set him up for success, set yourself up
for less frustration and less handling the tears
and the emotions by making those little breaks
so you're not constantly together.
Leading on from that is that you do need to accept
and even invite in the crying.
When you've set the boundary like it's not time to nurse
right now, there's gonna be some big
emotional reaction to that.
It's gonna be sad for him, he's going to want it.
He's not going to feel just, oh okay,
nevermind, I'll wait my turn.
You know, it's not gonna be so easy,
so I want you just to prepare yourself for emotion,
for the fact that there will be tears
and you can just soothe and comfort
and invite in those tears and say, I know,
you've really wanted to nurse right now.
It's disappointing that we have to wait, it's hard to wait.
And just let him cry, let him cry, let him cry,
let him cry and tug and pull and try
and you're saying, no and you're finding alternatives.
I know, can we find something else that you love to do.
Let's read a book instead, let's drink water.
But not in a way that you're trying
to just distract him from that.
Try it in a way that you're trying to help him to meet
his needs without giving in on your boundary.
But, as much as you can, just sit with the tears,
sit with the sad feelings, acknowledge them,
validate them and empathize with them.
That is good, that is healthy, that is healing.
It's okay to be sad that you're
not allowed to nurse every hour.
That's okay, you can handle that and I can handle that.
And I'm here, I get it, it's not your preference.
It's not what you most want.
And you don't need to pity your child.
This isn't some terrible thing you're doing to them.
You don't need to feel guilty that you're somehow not
an okay mum 'cause you're setting this boundary.
Many, many, many mothers before you have done this
and many after you will because we need to
because sometimes we just need to set
these boundaries and that's okay.
And our children can handle it
and they're allowed to be sad.
They're allowed to be sad, they're allowed to grieve
and mourn and kind of be disappointed that they have to
give up something that they love or that they can't get it
as often as they'd want, that's okay.
Finally, if your child actually understands enough,
if they're verbal enough and understanding enough,
then you can actually involve them in the process.
You can ask them where would you like to nurse?
In your bedroom or in the lounge, right?
You could ask them, what would you like instead?
Would you like a bottle of water
or would you like a bowl of oatmeal?
You can make these choices with them so that they're
more empowered in the process and it's less
something that's happening to them.
I sent Phoebe all of these answers in a response
and I just wanna read you what she said.
She said, "That makes so much sense.
"It's so simple, but when you're in it,
"you just can't see it clearly."
And I know that's so true, right?
When you're in something, it's harder to see it clearly.
It feels like the biggest deal.
It feels like you'll never get through this transition.
I just wanna tell you, you will.
You will wean your child, they will be absolutely fine.
You will do it in a beautiful connected way.
You'll maintain you're attachment.
Everything will be okay and there are lots
of shades of gray in the middle.
She said, "I had tried to keep a feeding schedule,
"but kept getting derailed with different wake up
"or nap times, so having the timed gaps
"will be so much easier."
She's referring to the idea of saying,
if I've nursed just now, I'm gonna wait two hours.
And then gradually I'm gonna expand it to three hours
and then to four hours, et cetera, after a few days, right?
So she said, "Thank you so much for helping me get clear.
"I don't know how you've managed to raise four children.
(laughing)
"Can't wait for your next video."
Thank you so much Phoebe for writing in
and I'm so, so glad that this has helped.
Now if you're feeling burnt out from parenting.
If you feel like you're just dragging yourself
through the days and you desperately need a break,
then I invite you to listen to this week's podcast episode
which is all about that and I will link to that below.
If this was helpful for you and you think it might be
helpful for anyone else, please share it out.
You can tag me on Instagram @ParentingJunkie.
I absolutely love to share your stories on mine
and shout you out over there.
I would love it if could slam on the like button here
so that it can become more discoverable for more parents.
And most importantly, head on over to the blog.
TheParentingJunkie.com/blog and leave your comment there.
What I would love to hear from you is
have you ever weaned a child from breastfeeding?
If so, or from the bottle by the way,
if so let us know what helped you to do it
in a conscious mindful way and if you haven't weaned,
I'd love to hear if these steps are steps
that you think might be helpful
for you on your weaning journey.
I know that these conversations can help other parents
and the best place to have them, especially with comments
turned off on YouTube, is over on
the ParentingJunkie.com website.
Thank you so very much.