HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, PEOPLE
WATCH THIS SHOW FOR A LOT OF DIFFERENT REASONS, MOSTLY,
OBVIOUSLY, FOR INFORMATION.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE
THEY TELL ME THEY THINK OF ME LIKE A DAD.
I OFTEN HEAR THAT FROM MY OWN KIDS, WHICH IS NICE.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, PEOPLE TELL ME ALL THE
TIME THAT THEY THINK OF ME AS THEIR "TV DAD."
WELL, I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT AS A DAD IT IS TO SPEND QUALITY
TIMES WITH KIDS, ESPECIALLY IN UNCERTAIN TIMES LIKE THESE.
SO I GUESS I SHOULD SIT YOU DOWN AND CHECK IN ON HOW THINGS ARE
GOING WITH THE FAMILY.
THAT'S RIGHT, DAD'S CALLING A FAMILY MEETING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( GRUNTS )
HEY, BUDDY.
TAKE A LOAD OFF.
LISTEN.
I WAS HOPING WE COULD HAVE A LITTLE RAP SESSION HERE, YOU
KNOW, CONNECT, JUST SORT SOME STUFF OUT LIKE YOU GOTTA DO
EVERY SO OFTEN.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY A FATHER FIGURE.
I DON'T HAVE ANY REAL POWER AROUND HERE.
THAT'S WHY I'VE ALSO INVITED A FATHER FIGURE WHO HAS ACTUAL
AUTHORITY: YOUR POPS, JOE.
COME ON HERE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, POPS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S SO IMPORTANT YOU DO THIS
EVERY SO OFTEN.
IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO HAVE THESE MEETINGS.
>> I KNOW.
THEY DON'T LISTEN ALL THE TIME, THOUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
EXACTLY.
SO, LISTEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- ALL RIGHT, SIT DOWN, FELLA.
SIT DOWN.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
YOU CAN'T CLAP YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS MEETING.
WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
>> HEY, CHAMP.
HOW YOU DOING?
>> Stephen: POPS AND I ARE WORRIED ABOUT THE SUDDEN
CHANGES.
WE KNOW YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE CHANGES THE FAMILY IS GOING
THROUGH.
>> HAPPENS TO EVERY FAMILY.
BUT I'M TELLING YOU, THIS TERRIBLE FEELING YOU'RE HAVING
RIGHT NOW?
IT'S NOT PERMANENT.
IT WILL BE OVER IN FOUR YEARS MAYBE 8.
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING IN THIS FAMILY: LIFE IS LIKE A
GRANDFATHER CLOCK.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, LIFE IS LIKE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK-- MAYBE
THE PENDIUM HAS WING TO ONE SIDE BUT IT THE SWING BACK TO THE
OTHER.
>> POINT IS, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET A NEWER CLOCK.
OR BETTER YET, JUST LOOK AT YOUR PHONE.
>> Stephen: TIME IS RIGHT ON THERE.
HEY, BUDDY, WE'RE NOT DONE.
SIT DOWN.
WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED.
DO YOU NEED SOME BUG SPRAY FOR THE ANTS IN YOUR PANTS.
THAT'S A DAD JOKE.
GET USED TO.
THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
>> LOOK, WE'RE NOT MAD.
WE'RE JUST DISAPPOINTED.
>> Stephen: I'M ACTUALLY MAD.
I'M ACTUALLY VERY MAD.
WE OVERHEARD YOU USING SOME PRETTY SALTY LANGUAGE THE OTHER
DAY.
WE KNOW YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.
WE TONIGHT WANT TO HEAR THOSE SWEAR WORDS FROM YOU--
"HOGWASH" OR "BALONEY" OR "MALARKEY."
>> Stephen: JOE, JOE, WE'RE ON CBS.
THEY'RE GOING TO BLEEP HALF OF THAT.
>> I'M SORRY.
I'M SO GOSH DARN DISAPPOINTED -- >> THAT IS THE ANGRIEST I HAVE
EVER SEEN THIS MAN!
LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
>> SORRY, I'M SORRY.
>> Stephen: LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO YOUR POP!
YOU MADE HIM SAY THE "D" WORD.
ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?
>> I THINK SO SO.
>> Stephen: LOOK, I DON'T MEAN TO COME DOWN TOW HARD ON YOU,
BUDDY, I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S THE JOB OF YOUR CAD TO BE A BEST
FRIEND.
>> WELL, I DO, I DO.
LOOK, HERE ARE SOME LEFTOVER FIREWORKS.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE THEM, I WANT YOU TO GO OUT, AND I WANT YOU TO
GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN, HAVE SOME FUN.
YOU KNOW,UN, YOU DON'T-- YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, KIDDO, DON'T
THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED YOU'VE BEEN CUTTING SOME CORNERS WHEN
YOU'VE BEEN MOWING THE LAWN LATELY.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S A THING IN THIS FAMILY, LIFE IS LIKE A GRANDFATHER
CLOCK-- >> NO, NO, WE ALREADY DID THAT.
WE ALREADY DID THAT.
>> Stephen: WELL, THEN WHAT'S THE SAYING?
>> THE SAYING IS, "ANY JOB WORTH DOING IS WORTH DOING WELL."
>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST TO MOW THE
LAWN.
IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SOMEBODY ELSE IS ABOUT TO GET THE JOB OF
MOWING THE LAWN AFTER YOU, EVEN THOUGH AS FAR AS YOU CAN TELL,
THAT PERSON HAS NEVER TOUCHED A LAWNMOWER IN HIS LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, KID, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IS MOWING IT.
THE POINT IS THE GREATEST LAWN IN THE WORLD.
AND NO MATTER OUR DIFFERENCES, WE'RE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS
UPKEEP.
AND I'VE GOT TO BELIEVE THAT IN THEIR HEART, THE NEXT MOWER IS--
IS GOING TO DO THE BEST THEY CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT LAWN, THAT
EVERYONE FEELS SAFE TO HAVE A PICNIC ON IT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL METAPHOR.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> METAPHOR?
METAPHOR.
OKAY.
LOOK, I'M TALKING ABOUT MOWING THE LAWN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> Stephen: SAME THING.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING.
LISTEN, BUDDY, JUST REMEMBER, WHEN YOU'RE DOING A JOB, ALWAYS
GIVE 110% AND ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR BOSS.
>> ESPECIALLY IF HE HAS THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: GOOD POINT.
LISTEN TO THIS MAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HERE'S-- HERE'S 20 BUCKS.
GO HAVE SOME FUN.
>> HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT-- I NEED TO BORROW THAT 20
BUCKS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW-- I'M-- I'M LOSING MY JOB PRETTY SOON.
I'M LOSING MY JOB PRETTY SOON.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE LOSING YOUR JOB.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT, BOSDZ?
>> WELL, I'M GOING TO FOLLOW MY PASSION, YOU KNOW, SPEEDBOAT
RACING.
I LOVE DANGER, YOU KNOW.
AND YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, KID.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU'VE GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
SPEAK OF LIFE I THINK IT'S MAYBE TIME WE HAD "THE TALK."
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED!
UP HERE.
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
PERFECTLY NATURAL.
POPS, TELL HIM ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.
>> HERE'S THE DEAL-- THEY'RE DISAPPEARING AT AN ALARMING
RATE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BOTH BIRDS AND BEE POPULATIONS.
THEY'RE PLUMMETING.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD GET THOSE POPULATIONS BACK
UP?
SEX.
BUT YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW ABOUT THAT STUFF.
>> LOOK, GO ASK YOUR MOTHER.
YOU KNOW,, YOU KNOW, WHAT.
YOU'RE A KID KID.
HERE-- HERE'S 20 BUCKS FROM YOUR POP.
GO HAVE SOME FUN GRRM THAT WE LOVE YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
>> BUT WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU.