-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, it was a big day here in New York,
as Andrew Cuomo announced that he is resigning as governor.
During his remarks, he said it was best that he step aside.
And then every woman in the room took two steps aside.
During his announcement,
Cuomo said that he's stepping down in 14 days.
I'm sorry, but is this really a
two-week-notice type of situation?
It's gonna be tough for Cuomo.
With a track record like this, his only future is either
president or Supreme Court justice.
So, you know...
[ Laughter ]
Cuomo's replacement will be
Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul.
And this is -- Yeah. [ Crowd cheering ]
This is strange.
Right after she was announced as New York's next governor,
CNN offered a prime-time show to her sister.
-Really? -Yeah.
What a day.
The news definitely can't get any worse
for powerful guys named Andrew.
-Prince Andrew facing a new lawsuit filed by
Jeffrey Epstein accuser Virginia Roberts Giuffre.
-Okay, maybe it can get worse.
Today, the queen called Harry and Meghan and was like,
"Can I crash with you for a while?"
It's been such a tough year,
the queen now answers the phone like,
"Oh, good Lord, what now?"
When his lawyer said he'll never get another job again,
Prince Andrew was like, "Another what?
Job?"
How about we shift gears to some positive news, huh?
Today, the Senate passed President Biden's
$1.2 trillion infrastructure bill with bipartisan support.
That's -- [ Cheers and applause ]
That's good news. That's positive.
That's right -- a trillion dollars to fix
our roads, bridges, and airports.
So after they finish LaGuardia,
that will leave us with about 40 bucks.
It's amazing we can pass a $1 trillion infrastructure bill,
yet we can't find the new host for "Jeopardy!"
Speaking of crazy things, Florida governor Ron DeSantis
is threatening to withhold pay from any school officials
who require masks.
I'm nervous about DeSantis.
I mean, right now people in Florida are like,
"When can Cuomo start?"
You know what I'm saying?
That's not good, you know?
As employers around the country urge their workers
to get vaccinated, the owner of an eyewear store
ran into a strange concern from one employee.
Watch this.
-An optical-business owner says he can't convince
all of his employees to be vaccinated.
One employee said she was concerned because she thought
a vaccine had caused the characters in the film
"I Am Legend" to turn into zombies.
[ Laughter ]
-So I'm guessing the requirements to get a job
at that store are not that demanding.
Seriously, vaccine or not, you might want to
stop that woman from coming into the office.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news.
Last night was the final episode of "The Bachelorette."
We love that show. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And one of the big moments from the episode
was when the final contestant, Blake, met Katie's Aunt Lindsey.
Take a look at how their conversation went.
-So, what made you want to go on this season
after you flunked out of the last one?
-Yeah, flunked. [ Both laugh ]
Yeah, I've been dumped twice.
There was two Bachelorettes that showed up.
One left -- -And neither of them wanted you?
-I guess not.
-Like, you ultimately mean nothing.
Like, hate to break it to you, but, like,
you better be secure as [bleep] coming into our family,
because at the end of the day, you're here because
we want you here, not because we need you here.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
-It's nice when someone welcomes you into the family
by quoting Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas."
That's right -- the season finale of "The Bachelorette"
was last night, and Katie and Blake are officially engaged.
You know that show can get pretty emotional,
so I thought we could help.
Here's a clip from the episode re-voiced
with the least-emotional person we know, Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Whispering ] "Let's Get Siri-ous."
-[ Robotic voice ] My entire day and evening
with Blake was truly perfect.
Yum. Yum.
And the fact that we could open up the way we did
during the dinner, it really changed our relationship.
Last night was, I think,
everything I could have hoped for.
Me, too.
Mwah.
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
Mwah.
Mwah. I love you.
Mwah. Love you, too.
Mwah. Bye. Bye.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Alright. [ Cheers and applause ]
"Mwah, mwah, mwah."
That's right -- as I said, it was a three-hour finale
of "The Bachelorette," and a lot of people
are talking about the "After the Final Rose" special,
when Katie -- You know what I'm talking about?
Katie confronted her ex, Greg.
Yeah, but you don't have to take my word for it,
because here to re-enact this moment
with actual lines from the show are Tariq and Questlove.
Guys. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thanks, Jimmy.
Tonight, I'll be playing Katie, who is finally about to accuse
her ex, Greg, of lying about his intentions.
-And I'll be playing Greg,
who is about to experience Katie's full wrath.
-Great. Well, whenever you guys are ready.
♪♪
-You're saying I'm not "validating" you enough,
but it's like, you got a First Impression Rose.
You got a first one-on-one.
The second one-on-one, every single group date.
Oh, man, I feel like
you were never ready for an engagement.
-I'm honestly so confused as to why you would think that.
Um, I wouldn't -- Wow!
-You didn't even bother to say goodbye.
You say you love me,
but I don't think you know what love is,
because that was a time I needed...
I needed you the most...
and you ran away.
-Well, I understand that you found what you're looking for.
-Oh, absolutely!
I am very happy.
Oh, but -- but that doesn't take away from
the anger and the way you treated me --
using me to get the experience, the exposure,
dare I say, the acting practice at my expense!
-[ Chuckles ] The acting?
-I mean, it was pretty good.
Until the end, when you kind of F'd it up and ran away!
-Look, I hate to break it to you,
but as much as I wish I was, I'm not Meryl Streep.
-Oh, we know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow. Oh, my God! That was unbelievable.
That's Questlove and Tariq, everyone.
That was actually unbelievable.
Oh, my -- Wow. Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ] That's very nice.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, thank you. Good to see you.
Questlove and Tariq, everybody. Yeah, there you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, get this.
I read that Disney just released the prices
for its new "Star Wars" Galactic Starcruiser hotel,
and it can cost you up to $6,000 for a two-night stay.
While over at the Marriott,
6 grand will get you the entire Marriott.
Yeah, 6 grand.
Even worse, when you ask for the "Star Wars" honeymoon suite,
they say it's booked by a brother and a sister.
[ Audience groans ]
-Come on!
-That's... -Come on. Luke and Leia.
-Well, finally, I saw that Pepsi and Boston Beer
are teaming up to create an alcoholic Mountain Dew drink
called Hard Mountain Dew.
Here's a photo.
Yeah.
Meth is actually a gateway drug to that.
What's crazy is that half of America refuses the vaccine
but will have no problem putting that into their body.
Can we see the cans again?
They look like what a kid draws to show his parents
what his nightmares are about.
Hard Mountain Dew is actually a lot healthier,
because the alcohol helps kill whatever
is in normal Mountain Dew.