﻿Shame is the gremlin who says: [...] "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of
that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is it's not guilt.
Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is,
"I am bad." Guilt is, "I did something bad."
Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying,
suicide, eating disorders. And here's what you even need to know more. Guilt,
inversely correlated with those things. Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable,
conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. [...] For men, shame is not
a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one: do not be perceived as what?
Weak. But the truth is [...] vulnerability is
not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily
lives. And I've come to the belief—this is my 12th year doing this research—that vulnerability
is our most accurate measurement of courage. If we're going to find our way back to each other,
we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame.
If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and
judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.
The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.