Are you dealing with a narcissist in your life
and you think that maybe they might be a covert narcissist?
By the end of this video,
you're gonna have 10 signs that you are dealing
with a dreaded, ugh, covert narcissist.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung.
I'm an attorney
and I help people negotiate with narcissists
and if you are so ready,
so ready to shift that dynamic and finally,
finally feel like you're the one in control
of the narcissist
make sure to subscribe to my channel
and hit that notification bell.
All right, let's talk about this covert narcissist.
This is the one that I really can't stand the most
just between you and me,
because I had to deal with two of them
who'd actually targeted me.
It was horrible. I mean, horrible.
I can't even describe how much it really sucked, frankly.
And they weren't even people
that I was romantically involved with.
I mean, one of them was in my business life and one of them
it was a family member and it was just horrible.
So this is the problem with these guys, okay?
They seem really nice.
To the rest of the world, these people are wonderful.
They're amazing.
People say they're so genuine.
They're so kind, you know,
they might even think that they're humble.
These are the people that aren't like out there being brash
and bragging and like what you think
of with the normal garden variety narcissists, right?
These are the people that are actually quite the opposite.
Sometimes they can seem humble,
sometimes they present themselves as victims,
I mean, they might even be sickly or something like that,
sometimes they even tell you straight out
that they're depressed,
they can sometimes claim to be very spiritual,
they sometimes say, you know,
that life hasn't given them
you know, a fair deal, a fair shake or whatever.
But when you're around them,
even though the rest of the world thinks
that they're wonderful,
there's just always something that's off.
You can just tell that there's just something
underneath the surface that's just not right.
And you just kind of have a pit in your stomach
and these little things are happening.
There's these little red flags and they're not huge things.
It's not like you get with like super toxic people.
I mean, these are like little things that, you know,
they don't seem that horrible
but then it becomes sort of what I call death
by a thousand cuts.
And when they engage in behaviors against you,
a lot of times there's what we call plausible deniability,
whereas basically like if they get caught doing something
there's a way to explain it away.
And that explanation steams plausible.
It doesn't seem right
but then you end up kind of like buying it sometimes
because you're not really sure what to say
or people in your world might say,
"Oh, I don't think that they meant it that way.
I mean, there's so nice.
They must have been inadvertent.
And you know, they would never do anything that bad.
I mean, there's certainly not malicious.
And so when I was dealing with the two
that I had to deal with,
there were so many signs
and I had to deal with them in these relationships.
And by the way,
if you wanna know more about specifically covert narcissism
in relationships
definitely check out my video on that topic.
But anyway,
there are so many traits really in a lot of ways
but in my experience
the ones that I had to deal with here are my top 10.
The ones that really stood out to me the most,
I mean, these are the people,
they just feel hollow inside when you're around them,
they don't, there seems like there's a vacancy,
there's something that's not quite right,
not quite there.
Or they're sort of like chameleons,
whoever they're around that's who they kind of take
on that personality of that person.
So that's number one.
And you'll find that, you know,
that they'll be jealous of other people,
who is that person to have what they have
or they covet what other people have.
They're often very competitive.
That was my experience
with the two narcissists I had to deal with.
I felt like they were constantly trying to one up me
or somehow show that they were better than me in some way.
Or I just felt like there was this constant competition
which when I'm with my real friends and my real people
and the other people in my life,
I never have that feeling
like we're just supporting each other,
it's good, we're having a conversation,
but there's this undertone of something going on
with the covert narcissists.
Number three is this underhanded criticism.
And it's so, they're really good at it.
To be honest with you,
I'm not good at this kind of stuff
but they're really good at it.
So there's sort of like this
they have this way of sort of like working
their statement in with their criticism.
So it's like, "Oh, I saw that you handled this.
That was great that you handled that.
But I noticed that you forgot to do this.
I took care of it for you."
You know, like little like cut there, you know?
And you're sort of like,
"What, wait, where did that come from?"
Right? So underhanded criticism is number three.
Those flying monkeys.
Covert narcissists love, love them some flying monkeys.
Yeah. They love the flying monkeys.
They love to get other people involved,
to make sure that you know
that the world thinks that they are wonderful
and so if you think there's anything wrong with them
then it's definitely your problem,
or they're either against you for them,
it's they want you to feel isolated.
It's a bullying tactic,
it's a weakening tactic.
They're trying to destabilize you,
they're trying to show you
that you know that they've got more power than you.
And remember that narcissists never attach themselves
to people who don't have value.
No, no, no, no.
There's no narcissistic supply if you don't have value,
they attach themselves to you
because you have so much value.
That's the crazy head game of this whole thing. Okay?
So triangulation is definitely one
of the things that I saw regularly.
Number five is,
I can barely even say this 'cause it's just so painful
They love to take credit for your ideas.
They love to watch you do everything.
You know, you end up doing everything
then they take credit for the ideas
but they'll step up if people are watching.
So if they lay back and let you do everything
unless somebody is watching
then they'll step up and make sure
it looks like they're doing something.
And one of the things in this kind of taking credit thing
that is sort of kind of related
is that they constantly are staring at you
and studying you because they're trying to figure out
how to sort of almost like be you.
There's this weird adulation thing going on with them
as well, while they're devaluing you,
and if you wanna know more about why narcissist stare
at you definitely check out my video on that.
It's so creepy and weird.
They'll withhold information,
they'll withhold compliments,
they'll withhold praise,
they'll withhold anything
that could potentially give you something
that they're now not gonna have
or they can't really share.
I mean, there's scarcity mentality at its like most extreme.
So even if they give you the information
to have something else that they have, like, you know,
the same bed sheets that they have or something
and now you're gonna be on equal footing,
they cannot do that.
So they withhold information, they withhold praise,
they they can't have you be equal to
or potentially better than them so they withhold.
Next thing is creating drama.
Oh, I mean,
they create drama in so many different ways,
by roping people in like, you know,
we talked about the flying monkeys.
They also like to drop little bits of gossip to people
which will maybe pit people against each other
or pit people against you, something like that.
And sometimes the really good,
the really good ones
are really good at packaging up these little bits
of gossip to make it look like care or concern.
So concerned about her, you know,
"She had really too much to drink at the party last night,
I wonder what's going on with that."
You know, something like that.
Or they present as the victim, you know,
"I just don't know why she won't talk to me anymore.
I was so good to her."
I, you know,
or "I can't believe that this is happening
after I did so much for them."
You know, something like that,
they're presenting as the victim
to try to get flying monkeys to think that, you know,
you did something to them in some way.
Okay? And the next one is, this is one of their faves.
One of their absolute go-to bag in their bag of tricks
they will do things that they said that they didn't,
they will not do things that they say they're going to do,
and then you have to like,
kind of like follow up with them
and find out what's going on with that.
And then, you know,
they might even try to gaslight you
or we never had that conversation
or you never said that, you know,
and then if you try to call them out
or you actually do catch them
then they suddenly become the victim.
"Oh, my life is a mess,
and oh, I can't believe you're saying this to me,
and I've been so wonderful,"
you know, or something like that.
So that's another way of being passive aggressive.
Another way is, you know,
what we talked about earlier with that underhanded criticism
those backhanded compliments
or a refusal to communicate at all
that's another way of being passive aggressive.
So I wanna know if any of you have seen any of these things
in your relationships,
and if you have give me a
All right. So the next one is not being protective.
They definitely do not have your back.
If something happens to you,
sometimes they might even take the other person's side
and you're kind of wondering why they're taking
the other person's side and they'll say,
"Oh, no, I'm not taking their side."
And, you know, whatever,
but you just feel like they don't have your back.
And the last one is hoovering.
And this is definitely something that I experienced
with the two covert narcs I had to deal with as well.
You feel like they're withdrawing from you,
they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing.
And so once you start to go,
"You know what, I'm outta here.
I'm tired of being treated this way.
I'm tired of doing everything.
I'm tired of all these red flags.
I'm tired of the death by a thousand cuts (mumbling)
I'm out of here."
They start to feel you walking or leaving
or pulling back in some way,
then all of a sudden they'll rush in
and do the things that they were supposed to do
in the first place
which actually makes it worse because now you're like,
"Oh, so you did know what you were supposed to be doing
but you just didn't."
But they're very careful then to only
do just as much as they need to
or hoover or love bomb or, you know,
whatever they need to do to get you off of your, you know,
idea that you're gonna,
that their supply is gonna walk out the door
and then they'll go back to their ways, you know.
So they just do the bare minimum
but they do hoover to come back
and try to get you to, you know,
forget about whatever it is that you were gonna do.
Leave or call them out or whatever.
So, but again, it's like just the bare minimum,
just enough to get you back where they want you to be.
So those are the 10 that I saw the most when I was dealing
with the two covert narcissists that I had to deal with,
would love to know below,
And if you like the video,
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I'm Rebecca Zung.
And if you haven't grabbed
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I am so glad that you're here.
Especially if you're dealing with narcissists
or you're getting ready to negotiate with them.
And please remember that today is a perfect day
to start negotiating your best life
wherever you are is the jumping off point, right?
So I'm so glad you're here
and that you stopped by my channel
and I will see you in the next video.