Cristiano Ronaldo signs for PSG!
Hello. The greatest footballer of all time speaking...
- Cristiano, it’s Lionel… - Lionel who?
- Lionel Messi. - Never heard of you.
Oh, haha. Here you speak to him...
- Haha - Cristiano, it’s Neymar.
- Neymar who? - Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior
Oh, Neymar da Silva Santos Junior? Hi! It’s Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro.
It’s nice to speak to someone with an equally awesome name.
- We want you to join PSG. - Not interested. I’m happy at Ronventus.
But you only just finished 4th in Serie A last season...
...and you crashed out of the Champions League against FC Piss Porto.
- Playing for Juve can’t be fun. - It isn’t...
...but I get to see Alvaro Morata in shooting every day... That’s pretty fun.
Come on, Cristiano. Imagine it… me and you, the two greatest footballers of all time, tearing it up in the Champions League…
- Sorry, who is this? - Come on Cristiano, stop playing hard to get! You know you want to!
- Fine - I admit it. I DO want to. - Knew it!
- But first I have a list of demands… - Go on…
- #1, I want Kylian Mbappe’s number 7 shirt. - It’s yours.
- That was easy. - Kylian Mbappe has just told us he is leaving this summer.
Turns out he wanted your number 7 shirt at Real Madrid…
- See you later, b*tches! - Of course he wanted my #7 shirt at Real Madrid.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t want Eden Hazard’s #7 shirt, would he? It would be at least 6 sizes too big...
Mind you my Real Madrid shirt would be at least six sizes too big… but for very different reasons...
- Siuu... - Is that all your demands?
No! #2. I want to be the official PSG penalty taker...
- Fine, I’ll win them… ARGH! you slot them home. - Wait a minu...
- Deal. #3. I want to be the official PSG free-kick taker. - Deal.
- No way! I’m the official PSG free-kick taker. - But I’m the greatest free-kick taker of all time!
- True… - Thank you!
- ...if the point of free-kicks is to maim people in the wall… - What?!
- I don’t know what you mean! Deal off! - Wait… fine...
- You can be the official PSG free-kick taker. - Thank you.
That lack of a spine is precisely why you haven’t won the Champions League since 2015.
- What? Deal off! - The truth hurts, Lionel!
- Just like defending your free-kicks. - Come on guys...
- ...let’s be mature about this. - What Neymar is trying to say, is grow up Lionel.
Deal off! Back to plan B…
Plan B - f*** that! I’m not playing with Martin Braithwaite!
Look, I’m sorry Lionel let’s get this deal back on-track.
As a gesture of good-will, I’ll let you take the free-kicks.
- See, Lionel? I told you this could work. - Fine. Apology accepted.
- Thanks for being the bigger man, Cristiano. - What?
- No. That was an accident. I swear! - Bullsh*t
- On my sister’s life! - Fine, I believe you.
- Have you any more demands? - Oh yes!
#4, Mauro Icardi is not allowed within 10 metres of my girlfriend.
- Deal - Yes, that’s in all of our contracts.
#5, I want the same wages as you both.
- Deal. - Again, that was easy.
Aren’t PSG worried about FFP?
No. We’ll just ring UEFA and tell them not to look at our accounts again.
If they don’t turn a blind eye, we’ll kidnap them and arrange for them to be sent to Kabul.
So that’s how PSG get away with it? The club threatens to send UEFA to Kabul, Afghanistan?
No! I said they’ll be sent to Carpool… Carpool Karaoke with James Corden.
- Oh, even worse! - So is that all your demands?
No. #6, you must sign Gareth Bale to play with us...
- Gareth Bale? - Really?
No of course not you dickheads, that was a joke…
#6, when we’re playing away I get to share a room with Segio Ramos.
Playing away with Sergio Ramos? Sure thing, big boy.
Not in a gay way…
That’s a relief... you do know we’re owned by Qatar.
I’d also suggest keeping hugging and kissing during goal celebrations to an absolute minimum.
- You don’t want to end up in a Qatari prison. - Anything else?
Well, I was going to demand the club gets rebranded from PSG to PSCR7, but it’s best to quit while you’re ahead.
Hey Lionel, if only that was possible during 2-legged Champions League ties, right?
- What are you laughing at? - Come on, Lionel. That was pretty funny.
- Is that everything? - Apart from everyone having to pass the ball to me, yes. That is everything.
- So we have a deal? - Er, one second, someone else is calling… Carlo Ancelotti?
- Cristiano? Cristiano?! - Snake? Snake?!
- Plan B it is... - Noo!