♪ ("Angry Video Game Nerd" Theme) ♪
♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♪
♪ He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk and down it with beer ♪
♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪
♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd! ♪♪
Kid Kool is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't even want to wipe your ass on it.
Your worst fuckin' enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage!
Satan doesn't even have any games in hell that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!
Wanna see for yourself?
Let's go.
Kid Kool was developed by a game company called Vic Tokai, who also made Decap Attack and Psycho Fox.
All these games share the same basic design.
For example, if you compare Kid Kool with Psycho Fox, you can see it's very similar.
For the record, the Japanese version of Kid Kool came first.
Even though these other games are much more refined, it's unfortunate that the Kid Kool disease has spread.
So if you played the other games, you already have an idea what Kid Kool is like
except it's MUCH worse.
Is that Kid Kool?
What happened? He looks nothing like the guy on the cover.
Now that's what you call cool! Shaking his fist at a wizard,
a dragon humping his leg...
The storyline is about a king who's dying of illness and needs seven different herbs to cure him.
Yeah. I bet the game designers were smoking seven different herbs.
So he sends Kid Kool out to find them.
There's not much in the ways of attacking, other than jumping on enemies and throwing your weapon which you get on occasion.
But it's not really a weapon. It's some kind of furry animal that looks like Elmo's ballsack.
There's a day to night transition. The sky changes all kinds of weird colors like purple and red.
But at least it's not like Simon's Quest with a fuckin' box that appears in the air and interrupts the damn game.
No, this one has enough problems as it is.
It's relentlessly difficult with air puffs that shoot out all over the place with no pattern whatsoever.
There's a guy sitting on a seagull's white poop curl shooting lightning faster than Sonic the Hedgehog can shit out turbo turds.
Spelling errors; yup, you gotta have some of those.
Not that "cool" was ever spelled correctly in the first place.
It just makes it more "kool" when it's with a K.
It's also weird that it actually shows you what happens when you die.
The king has the power of immortality and can bring you back to life.
As if we really needed that explanation.
How about just "Continue?" "Yes" or "No", and then start the game up again?
And the whole point of the game is trying to save the king.
If the king has the power of immortality, couldn't he just use it on himself?
All of these things are just petty poop.
It's time to move on to the major problems. Seven HORRIBLE design flaws. Seven deadly sins, if you will.
Here we go...
Number One: not being able to go back.
To get your little red friend, your only weapon in the game, you have to find him by running over a bush.
But if the bush gets too far to the left, you won't have enough roaming space.
And if you lose the weapon after a checkpoint, you'll never be able to go back.
Let's give these flaws a name.
Let's call this "One-Way Bullshit"!
Number Two: running too fast.
There's two speeds in this game: slow-as-ass and fast-as-shit.
When you go fast, you don't have time to react to what's ahead of you.
But you need to go fast in order to gain momentum to leap great distances.
When you start running, just consider yourself dead!
Let's call this "Two-Geared Diarrhea"!
Number Three: jump control.
Part of the problem is that you can't make any jump from a stand still.
You have to be running fast.
Another problem is that you have no control over your jump when you're in midair.
The game designers really should've taken lessons from Super Mario Bros.,
the time-tested approved way to make a side-scrolling platform game.
Any subtle tap of the D-Pad steers Mario's jump. But in Kid Kool, there is no such thing.
Let's call this "Jump Fuckness"!
Number Four: skipping over water.
There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt.
Think it looks easy? It's not.
You have to run across in which the first three skips happen automatically,
and after that, you fall in the water.
You have to hit the jump button ON the third skip.
Your accuracy has to be 100% perfect.
I'm not even sure of the exact timing.
Ever try to throw skipping stones and you can never do it but one of your friends can do it just right?
Who knows? It's just a skill that shouldn't be required of this game.
Let's call this "Top-Side Aquatic Ass"!
Number Five: vertical scrolling.
What is the deal with this?
Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game?
You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen!
That is so irritating!
How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down?
How are you supposed to stomp on enemies?
Look at this!
LOOK AT THIS!
We'll call it "Air Suspension Shit-Lift"!
Number Six: invisible items.
Secret blocks are fine when done right, but here, they're always placed about just to make your life miserable.
Anywhere you try to jump, you hit your head and get killed!
These things should not be all over the place.
This should not be a guessing game where I have to jump everywhere to make sure there's no fuckin' blocks!
Again, it's like Simon's Quest where you have to throw the Holy Water everywhere just to make sure there's no invisible holes.
We'll call this "Invis-O-Bitch"!
Number Seven: having to drop down.
Whenever you have to jump down, you have no idea where you're gonna land and end up getting killed!
There's no way to know, because you can't see what's below until you jump!
So it's just another guessing game.
We'll call this "Free Fallin' Fuck Balls"!
So that's Kid Kool for ya.
It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy, disaster of a game.
It has: One-Way Bullshit, Two-Geared Diarrhea...
It's heavy on the Jump Fuckness with loads of Top-Side Aquatic Ass...
It has frequent Air Suspension Shit-Lifts, a ton of Invis-O-Bitches...
And some Free Fallin' Fuck Balls for good measure!
How did they make the game this BAD?!
It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief.
There couldn't have been THAT big a demand for Kid Kool. What was the hurry?
In order to do something good, it takes TIME.
And in the end, what do you get?
A false ending that tells you the king died, because you weren't fast enough.
Are you kidding me? There was a Time Trial?
That's what the counter was for on the top of the screen?
So you're telling me I beat the game, but I didn't beat it?
Fuck you!
I went through all that torture just to be given the middle finger salute?!
This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control.
CONTROL! And that's the hardest part to explain, because unless you've PLAYED the game you don't really understand.
I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like Karate Champ or Dr. Claw's Dump N' Pump, but those don't compare.
Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player!
It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded!
You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game!
Kid Kool is NOT Kool!
(game clatters in trash can)
♪♪♪