- (Chewbacca roars) - SHUT UP!
(narrator) After buying the Star War's franchise,
Disney decided to branch out from its typical
science-fiction watching audience to a new demographic
that like stupid reality shows.
They're watching the ratings carefully and will do anything
to make sure the show doesn't suck balls.
Disney presents Star Wars: Blind Date!
Let's meet our bachelors for this week's episode!
This cute little guy is Anthony Padilla.
And this cute little fluffy muffin is Ian Hecox.
Let's get this blind date started.
So, wait, my date's name is...Feltiperoorgnumnum Trevaggian...ack?
- What's yours? - Jenny.
Why does yours sound so hot?
Oh daaaaaaaaamn!
Do you think those our dates over there?
(Ian) They're so fricking space hot!
You know, just because you add the word "space" in front of everything,
it doesn't make you sound cool or futuristic, right?
Uh, yeah, it space does...
Space dickhole!
Ratings are good so far, but the audience wants to see
some actually good looking people, quick!
So, wait, wait, wait, guys...
You're Feltiperoo...whatever the frick...
and YOU'RE Jenny?
Correct.
Great.
This Feltiperoorgnumnum Trevaggianack girl?
Super hot! So I decided to just man up, get over my nervousness,
and give it a shot.
(coughing) Space slut!
What?
Did it hurt when you fell to Tatooine from the Death Star?
'Cause you look like a Sand Person to me.
Dude, they're called Tuscan Raiders, space racist!
Shut up!
Shall we?
Male viewership is in decline.
We need something that they'll like!
(sexy dubstep music)
Alright! Ratings are back up again.
So, Jenny...uh...
What do you do to make your face look so...pretty?
(gurgling) I use a lemon extract moisturizer
with a natural lilac cream base.
Wow...you really...have the v-voice of an angel.
Male viewership is in decline.
We need something to appeal to THEM.
(lightsaber hums)
(screaming)
Dude, what the hell?!
Sorry, man! To qualify as an official Star Wars product,
we're contractually obligated to have at least one lightsaber battle
every three minutes.
But we can't forget about our female audience either!
What?!
Whatever. Prepare to die, bitch!
(screaming in pain)
WHAT THE SPACE F*CK, MAN?!
(screaming)
They probably should've given us some lightsaber training first.
Well, you're just not a Jedi master like me.
(lightsaber hums)
(screaming in pain)
SERIOUSLY?!
The ratings are terrible!
- (warning alarms) - We need some reality TV tropes to ramp up the drama!
Anthony, I have something to reveal to you.
(dun dun dun!)
What? (dun dun dun!)
This baby is yours! (dun dun dun!)
Uh...we've never even kissed?
Space sex is dangerous, bro.
We need more drama!
Stop right there.
You're under arrest for sending nudes to The Emperor.
That's what you get for putting your dick pic on the Space Internets.
I had a weird rash...down there
and I was trying to send it to my doctor.
How exactly do you get those two things mixed up?
My doctor's name is Sendto Internet.
It's an Indian name! Don't be racist.
The show is sucking so much Ewok ball sack!
Let's add one last huge twist.
(every one gasps)
Hello, Ian and Anthony.
Jenny?
What happened to your ugly, broken, ratchet-ass face?
That was just makeup!
I'm actually a Victoria Secret model/billionaire
and I wanted to find a man who loves me for what's inside of me.
Like your pancreas.
And I was going to give one of you a million dollars
and take you on a romantic honeymoon.
(wind whistles)
A romantic space honeymoon?
(dun dun dun!)
That's always been my dream!
F*ck my life!
(screaming in pain)
After realizing his space f*ck up, Ian commited space seppuku.
No, no! Ahhhh!
Anthony was blamed for Ian's space death,
and is now on space death row.
And Disney, well...they made $7 billion off Ian action figures.
(white snow)
(TV announcer) The new Star Wars Ian action figure!
(little boy) Come on, Ian! Let's go play!
(TV announcer) Now with intense seppuku action!
(little boy) He murders himself so hard!
(narrator) Thanks Disney Star Wars!
(man with gruff voice) Well now that you're done with that, check out
the Pokemon Red and Blue Honest Game Trailer.
It's fricking hilarious!
Just click on that video on the right!
How about I trade you my Diglett for your Charizard?
(narrator) Or buy two copies of the game to trade with yourself
like a friendless loser!
Deal!
And if you wanna see some bloopers and...this...
I was gonna pogo stick on my penis
and create a trail for the bear with the honey--
- (Ian) Where were you leading the bear? - It's above you.
..click the video on the left!
And if you haven't hit that subscribe button, do it NOWWW!
You're probably wondering why I'm talking like this.
Well, there's a little man that's squeezing my testicles
and it hurts real bad.
- Okay, Jeffrey, you can stop now. - (Jeffrey) But I like it!
I know. I like it to, Jeffrey, but please stop.
(Jeffrey) Fine.