It's finally happened.
It took 11 long weeks, but it's finally here.
I punched my tenth Subway sandwich card at Subway.
Yes, free sub for T-No tomorrow.
No, no, I'm-I'm just joking.
There obviously won't be a tomorrow,
because today this happened.
JOHN ROBERTS: ...preserve, protect, and defend...
...preserve, protect, and defend...
...the Constitution of the United States...
-...so help me God. -...so help me God.
-Congratulations, Mr. President. -(cheering and applause)
No matter how many times you watch that,
I don't think you'll ever get used to it.
It's like seeing your dad's dick.
(laughter)
Like...
like, I knew it was gonna be there,
but it's still upsetting.
One of the main things Donald Trump has promised
is that he will drain the swamp.
He said he will drain the swamp that is Washington.
And when you look at his inauguration crowd
compared to President Obama's,
you can see Trump kept that promise on day one.
Washington is drained.
Mission accomplished, Trump.
Oh, if you... if you did miss the inauguration
or if you want to suffer one more time,
let's do a quick recap. So, uh, basically, it starts,
uh, just before noon Eastern Time.
And here we see President-elect Donald Trump
approaching the dais as hellfire spontaneously bursts
from Earth below, um,
followed by members of Congress performing the traditional wail
of their submission to the new overlord.
Yes, the peaceful transition of power.
I'm just joking. I'm joking, guys. Of course. I'm joking.
I mean, it was much worse than that.
First, obviously, Trump got some formalities out of the way.
Chief Justice Roberts,
President Carter,
President Clinton,
President Bush,
President Obama,
fellow Americans,
and people of the world,
thank you.
Why would he be thanking people of the world?
It's not like they voted or participated...
Oh...
Oh.
(cheering and applause)
I get it. I get it.
Now, here's the thing, historically--
and not just in America-- most functioning presidents
generally try to make their inauguration speech
one of unity and positive vision.
And you would hope the 45th president would have brought
some of that, but it turns out
hope was the exact wrong thing to have.
America's infrastructure has fallen
into disrepair and decay.
One by one, the factories shuttered
and left our shores.
Mothers and children trapped in poverty...
...rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones
across the landscape...
...and the crime and the gangs and the drugs...
We all bleed the same red blood!
-The ravages... -Destroying...
-Ripped... -Robbed our country.
This American carnage
stops right here
and stops right now.
"Um, did anybody have 'carnage,' 'blood,' and 'decay'
"on their inauguration speech bingo card?
Did anybody have that? Yeah, yeah?"
Is that the first five minutes of a presidency
or a
"Blood and decay.
The bones."
You know, no matter how
at least we know how Trump will remember it.
January 20, 2017
will be remembered as the day
the people became the rulers of this nation again.
(cheering and applause)
Well, actually, I have a feeling January 20, 2017
will be the day time travelers go back to
to try and save the future.
That's what I think we'll remember it as.
In fact, in fact,
around-around 11:30 today,
part of me was expecting Marty McFly to show up,
like, "Doc, Doc, I'm so glad you're here!
We got to stop him!"
"For the last time, I'm not Doc!
"I'm Bernie Sanders!
Why does this keep happening to me?"
(applause)
But-but for many people, the truth is,
today's speech didn't matter.
What really did and what really hit home was,
once the ceremony was over,
and the Trumps were escorting the Obamas to their helicopter
one final time.
And they flew off into the sky,
directly at Lester Holt.
Look at Lester. He's like, "Are they coming for me?
What's hap..." It's almost like Obama was flying,
like, "I'm leaving, and I'm taking all the black people
with me. Come on, Lester. Come on."
And while the Obamas took to the sky,
the Bidens took to the rails. Yes, look at that.
I love that Joe Biden is just holding one suitcase,
like he's been living out of a single bag
these past eight years.
Of everything that happened though,
for me, the person who most captured the feeling of the day
was First Lady Michelle Obama.
It was all over her face, all over her face the whole time.
It started in the morning at the White House,
when Melania gave Michelle a gift
that she clearly didn't want.
Clearly did not want.
She just hands it over to Obama.
And look at Obama. Look at him. He's like,
"Uh, just, uh, throw this anywhere. I'm moving.
It doesn't matter. Yeah. Throw it in the trash."
And-and, by the way, by the way,
in case you're wondering what was inside that box,
it was just a tiny note from Melania that said, "Help."
The entire day, Michelle Obama's face
was the barometer for most of America's feelings.
Look at that face. Look at that.
She's not... Oh, hell no.
Oh, hell no.
Look at that face.
That face...
is every emotion rolled into one.
That's like... that's like "Bye, Felicia,"
"Boy, bye," "I'd like to speak to your manager,"
"I'm so done" all rolled into one.
And you know what? It's not hard to imagine
why Michelle was feeling that way,
because not only did Donald Trump move into the White House,
but Republicans now control the House, the Senate,
32 state legislatures and 33 state governors.
Today almost felt like that scene in a Disney movie
where the villain gets the upper hand.
You know that feeling you get?
Like, remember when Mufasa died, and then Scar was the king?
Yeah, I was there that day.
(laughter)
Damn you, Disney!
Because today feels just like that.
It feels like a Disney down day
'cause Trump controls everything, which makes me sad.
(audience sighing)
But on the other hand...
it also means that...
(cheers and applause)
(imitating Trump): No excuses! No excuses!
None! No excuses!