- Somethin' recently happened to me,
that I feel like we all can relate to,
I'll go ahead and say it.
My boyfriend wants to adopt a pet raccoon.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
I like tellin' people that, early on in my sets,
because it lets them know three things about me:
number one, I am queer, number two, in a relationship,
number three, it's interracial.
(audience laughing)
We don't do that. (audience laughing)
Just one of my rules, as a black person,
you cannot adopt a pet that, at any point in time,
could also be used as a racial slur against you.
(audience laughing)
So why I can't get a raccoon, it's why I can't get a monkey,
it's why white people should stop gettin' labradoodles.
Oh, y'all didn't know we was callin' y'all labradoodles.
(audience laughing) My bad, that's on me.
I said queer intentionally and explicitly,
because that's what I am.
To me, queerness is the 'I'm hungry,
'but I don't know for what', of sexualities.
(audience laughing)
My sexuality is just a salad from McDonald's,
it's confusing to some, appealing to others,
either way, I'm lovin' it. (audience laughing)
Ya know what, maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm bi,
because I am attracted to very feminine men,
but I'm also attracted to very masculine men.
I recently told, (audience laughing)
I recently told a guy at coffee that information,
I said, 'I identify as bi or queer,
'because that's more honest and reflective
'of my sexual and romantic journey,
'but if you were to call me gay, wouldn't get mad,
'gay's not a bad word.'
In fact, sometimes gay is just easier shorthand
for straight people to wrap their brains around,
when they don't wanna have to use the terms we come out with
every three months, to categorize,
quantify and qualify sexuality.
And he said that is a lot,
to write on one cup. (audience laughing)
And I said, 'You right, my bad, homie,
'my name is Jay', and you guys, he still got my name wrong,
he just wrote gay on the cup.
(audience laughing)
Put that there.
I hear from those varying pitches that there are
some straight people out there.
That's nice, listen, I like straight people,
I do a lot of straight outreach, usually at urinals.
(audience laughing)
Just handin' out pamphlets, don't get crazy.
Okay, here's a little bit of honesty,
I used to be straight, then I got better.
(audience laughing) There's a vaccine for it,
did you know?
That's right, vaccines don't cause autism,
vaccines make your kids gay.
(audience laughing) And by that,
I mean they let your child live long enough
to figure it out. (audience laughing)
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you, because, last week, I did that joke
for what I can only describe as a very pro-Polio crowd.
(audience laughing)
Between you and me, I'm just happy that joke
still has legs.
(audience cheering and applauding)
No, you guys, I'm serious,
I did used to be straight, I used to date girls,
because we've all made mistakes.
I like to think of the female body
the same way I think of the south,
in the sense that I'm from there,
and I've visited,
but I don't know if that's where I wanna
raise my kids. (audience laughing)
Also, it's not the heat, it's the humidity.
(audience laughing)
Ah, come on, you guys, that is a perfectly pH-balanced joke.
(audience laughing)
That joke is a seven. (audience laughing)
I could go back, ladies, I could go back,
I could go back, that is a threat.
Yeah, it could definitely happen.
I could go back to datin' girls,
but me goin' back to girls,
that's like Lebron James goin' to the Lakers
in the sense that it would cost a lot of money.
I'd probably have to bring some of my boys with me,
(audience laughing) and, at the end of the day,
you ain't gettin' no ring.
(audience laughing)