Many parents ask me "How do I get my child out of power struggle stage?" Well
that's what we're going to talk about in this video. I'm Nicholeen Peck and I
understand power struggles. Both teenage power struggles and toddler power
struggles. We're going to be focusing today on how to get out of that stage.
I am a strong-willed person. In fact, all of my children are strong-willed. I
suppose it's because I married a strong-willed husband as well. So,
genetics. I guess. Do you have strong-willed children? and
what do they do when they don't get their way? Or when they want to get your
attention, do they power struggle? This is a super common behavior for
strong-willed people. It shows a sign of intelligence just so you know so that
means you might have a child that's pretty smart. But let me tell you
something about power struggles. They aren't a stage. Now I know in the toddler
years there is some frustration that happens because the communication isn't
quite there when there are certain ages. That part is a stage, being frustrated
because they can't get their words out. But when you are saying, "Come here." And
they say no. And when you say, "Eat your vegetables." And they say no. And they
throw it. That is actually not a stage. That is a behavior. And that is something
that they have learned works for whatever reason. At the very least
they're trying it out on you. So, let's talk about how to handle those types of
behaviors with our toddlers. Because I know they can be really trying. We love
them so much, they're so cute. They say the darndest things. And then sometimes
they say the darndest things, right? And we don't like those moments. How can we
have more of the better moments? This is what we're talking about today. As with
any stage of development, parents have to have a plan for how they're going to
communicate. Now lucky for you, there are 4 basic skills that work for any
stage of development. In fact, these books right here are perfect for little
children to learn the 4 basic skills. So, the 4 basic skills are following
instructions, accepting no answers, disagreeing appropriately and accepting
consequences. Each one of these skills has a skill set attached to it.
For instance accepting a no answer which is super useful for toddlers
goes like this: You look at the person, you keep a calm face voice and body. Then
you say "okay" or you disagree appropriately. And then you drop the
subject. Which means no whining, no complaining. You're not going to talk about
it anymore. Do you believe that a toddler can do
this? They can. They totally can. All of my children were able to do this. And
thousands and thousands of other people's children have learned these
skills as well from me. Do you believe that they could disagree appropriately?
Because they can. They absolutely can. Now, sometimes their language is a little bit
more simple. Regular disagree appropriately sounds something like, "Mom,
may I disagree appropriately about not being able to go outside to play?" And
then the mother says, "Yes, you may." Because we always want to show them that
engaging the logical processing part of the brain is much better than engaging
the emotional part of the brain and having a tantrum and power struggling. So,
then they say, "Mom, I know you don't want me to go out and play because it's time
for dinner. But I told Susan that I would go out
right after I set the table. Do you think I could go out for another maybe 5
minutes just until dinner's done?" What's mom going to think then? What a
mature skill. I think if mom were smart she would say, "Yes, sweetie.
That is a great disagreement. I think you can go out for another 5 minutes.
Maybe even 10. I'll call you in as soon as dinner's done." Big hugs then. High
fives. Happiness for all. So, what does this sound like when it's a toddler? When
a toddler disagrees appropriately, it sounds a little bit more simple. And
sometimes kind of hard to understand. But that's okay they're doing the process
and it's still the same. They say, "Mom. Can I disagree appropriately?" And so then
mother says, "Yes." "Mom, I understand don't want me have cookie but I want cookie."
That is disagreeing appropriately. If you couldn't understand that, what it was
supposed to say is, "I understand you don't want me to have a cookie, but I
want a cookie." it's basic. And they can't even really pronounce appropriately but
they can do it. And then you'll praise them for it and give them a cookie. It's
so much better that they use that skill then by using their whining skill that
takes place in mid brain in the emotional part of the brain. That's not a
helpful skill for them to get in the habit of using. So, what if your toddler
does not use that disagree appropriately skill or the accepting no answer skill?
Well then, you've got to know what to do next. This is the teaching
self-government choices map. This choices map helps to use the skills we teach in
the program. It doesn't teach all the skills but it tells you when to use
certain skills. Now, you can see over here on the dark side of the chart that it
tells when a correction is given, when another correction might be given. And
then when a person might be out of instructional control. If your toddler is
whining complaining, yelling, screaming hitting, biting, any of those things; even
if your teenager is doing it, they are out of instructional control. So, then you
see right below that gold bar, there are 2 boxes. One of the box says rule of
3. If you have an older child, you are going to use the rule of 3 to help
them choose not to continue power struggling. If you have a younger child,
maybe age like 6 and younger, then you're going to be using the calm down
place. The calm down place is not the same as timeout. The calm down place is a
trigger spot. It's a place that they go just to be calm. And they know that's
what the place is for. Because you will pre teach it to them ahead of time. So,
when they start going out of control, then you will say, "it looks like you
might be going out of instructional control. We are going to go
to the calm down place." And they might have to go there kicking and screaming.
You gently with as much calmness in your heart as possible thinking, "It's okay,
it's okay." You might be telling yourself that because you're getting angry and
stress does not help this. In fact, they will feel it and power struggle more. So,
what you'll do is you'll gently take them to the calm down place and then
you'll tell them "As soon as you choose to be calm, to say okay with a calm face,
voice and body..." Which is one of the steps for all of these skills the 4 basic
skills. ..."then mommy will come and give you a big hug and a high five and we'll talk
about it." Talk about it means you'll do a correction. You'll practice things the
right way and then they will get the opportunity to earn an age-appropriate
extra chore. Children need the opportunity to calm down. You've got to help them
understand how they get calm and we're a safe place is to get calm. When children
are older, they can still occasionally use a calm down place. But hopefully they
have already learned when it's calm for them and was not. And you can use the
rule of 3 to help them more quickly go from out of control and power
struggling to calm. Power struggling is probably one of the most difficult
behaviors that we deal with as parents. There's a lot that I could teach you on
this topic. In fact I have another video I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy. If you
click in the corner of this video, you'll go to a video called How To Avoid Power
Struggles. It will go more into skills and communication styles, some of the
details you're going to need to really bring those power struggles under
control.