Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all over the world about self-government
and good family relationships in this video, I'm going to be talking about
understanding narcissistic behavior and relationships.
In this video I'm going to be talking about narcissistic behavior and I'm going to give a big
list of things that you can watch for so that you can identify narcissistic behavior. I'm also going
to talk about what those narcissistic behaviors do to our relationships. So, how they impact us and
then some things that you can do to start taking steps to heal from psychological abuse caused by
narcissism. Narcissism can look different from person to person because people's personalities
come out in the way they choose to manipulate. But just to understand narcissism very simply,
narcissism actually has three different categories. There is the plain narcissism which is
manipulating and controlling a person to get your way and not really caring very much about what
happens to them. Okay then there's sociopaths. So, sociopaths they are going to the point
of hurting a person and feel good about hurting the person so they actually like the feeling
of hurting somebody else and then there's the psychopath. The psychopath will hurt a person and
then it felt so good, they'll just do it again. All right so all three of those categories fall into
the narcissistic category. The plain narcissism is definitely the most common but it can lead
to other levels of narcissistic behavior. So, it's super important for us to understand
what this looks like so that we can start to examine if it's happening around us. Now
I have to tell you just because one person has one of these characteristics or has manipulated in
one of these ways that I might talk about, that does not mean that they are a narcissist. So
we've got to be very careful about that. We can't go around diagnosing everybody as a narcissist,
especially if we don't have the degree to do it and if the person has not you know been
seeking for any kind of help. Sometimes we can see narcissistic behavior but not be a hundred percent
sure if the person is a narcissist or not. Although sometimes if you know that that person is pretty
narcissist and you have the tendency, then this list will help you know what to watch for. What
I'm hoping is that if you have been surrounded by a person who you think might be a narcissist,
that you will be able to learn from some of these things. What tricks they play on you
so that those tricks don't work anymore. Narcissists are usually very charismatic people
so they're the type of people that like to you know talk about solutions to all the problems,
they seem to have a lot of energy, getting up and going all the time and people want to follow them
because of this charisma. But the one thing that you need to know is that for a true
narcissist, that charismatic side even though it's usually part of their personality type
is often used as a façade. So, they fake being totally together and totally with it and then
whoever they choose as their target person ends up getting the brunt of all of their emotion,
their manipulation, they don't use the charisma with them as well unless it's part of the
manipulation. So, people don't often know, this is how it affects the relationship people don't often
know that a narcissist is a narcissist because it depends. if you're the target or maybe the ally
with the narcissist, you may know that person is showing some narcissistic tendencies
but you've only been selected as an ally if you're kind of clueless sometimes to what's going
on and if you think that person is the best ever and could never do wrong. so then that means that
usually the only person that knows about this crazy other side of the person is the target,
is the victim of the narcissism. This makes it so difficult because it's hard to be able to tell
someone what's happening to you when it seems like to everybody else that this is the best person
ever and they know all the right answers. They can say everything principally, religiously everything,
that doesn't mean that that's how they're treating you. Many narcissists use the unpredictable game
where they're super nice to you one time, they dote on you, they reel you in and then they drown
you. You know then they just dunk you under the water and they hold you there and then after
you're almost dying, they let you come up for air and you're not sure if you can trust them and then
they're really nice to you again and they done on you, they take you somewhere, they build you up
a little bit and you think oh, they've changed. Okay that was just a bad moment so everyone
has a bad moment, I'm sure it'll be okay and then they drown you again and this cycle happens again
and again and again and they keep stringing you along in the relationship with them because they
have these nice moments which makes you think if you're trying to help them that they're making
progress. But they're not making progress. They're just keeping you there as the person that they
want to abuse or use and they know that because of your good hearted tendencies, you probably will
stay with them for a long period of time before you'll be finally fed up and by the time that you
are finally fed up, they're going to tell you it was your fault anyway and they're going to have
all of these facts that they're going to point to you that somehow you were the one
that really led toward all of that misbehavior and that you're probably making it up too. So, there's
a lot of lies, a web of lies that you have to sort through and it's so hard because you're trying to
be charitable and forgive the person and help the person but guess what? A true narcissist is almost
impossible to help. You can't help them change, they have to want it and lots of times things have to
get so bad for them that they might want it but they don't usually give up their games because
it serves them so well. They can control people so well if they just find the right person to control.
So healing a narcissist from your side of things is very difficult. I do have another video about
adults and narcissism and some things that you can do to heal from that narcissism but I have
to say that you know it's really hard to just fully cure someone with niceness and that's the
real disheartening thing about a true narcissistic person. All right I'm going to keep going down this
list of things you might want to be watching for but before I do, click that subscribe button now.
There are so many videos on this channel related to not just narcissism but many other behaviors
and relationship development. You're not going to want to miss them so subscribe now. Now let's talk
about blame. So narcissists like to have someone to blame. There always has to be a scapegoat, somebody
that they're gonna throw under the bus so that they can get whatever they want. So oftentimes
the person that they're abusing is who they blame. So they say well you did this so I had to do this.
This is the most common, they get in your head so you're like wait did I? Did I do something? Did
I not recognize that I did that and so it really confuses you and then they also blame other
people in their lives. They're like well so and so you know my parents, this is what they did and so
you know I don't know and so they seem like they're broken so they've got their little excuse,
that's a big thing. So, we have to watch out for blame. Another really big blame and this one
probably isn't noticed as often but it's true and I have known some true narcissists who their thing
that they blame is their emotional baggage. You know they've had such a hard time. It wasn't
that other people necessarily did something to them but it's like well, I have anxiety you know
or I have stress or I've got depression or I have you know whatever it is. I'm bipolar, I'm
whatever and so not that those things shouldn't be taken seriously but that really throws people off
their game because it it brings everybody into caretaker mode and so then they get anything
that they want. So, all they have to do is decide that they have some sort of diagnosis or even
if they have had a diagnosis, use it as an excuse to control other people and then voila. They are
always the victim even though they are the ones who are actually abusing the other people. Very,
very messy to try to discern all of that. The narcissists always looks for backup. So like
I mentioned, they have their ally. They have often times whole groups of people that are their allies.
So many narcissists are really sociable. Okay so they they go and they gather up friends and these
friends could attest to their character. They know these people are just so great, they would never
do anything wrong so they have these groups that they gather for backup. So if anyone ever tries
to attack them, no one would ever believe it. These are called flying monkeys. In Sharon Thomas's book,
Healing From Hidden Abuse, she uses the term flying monkeys. I love that term because it makes me think
of the Wizard of Oz you know the wicked witch of the west and how she had her flying monkeys
that would just go do whatever it is and they thought she was so great, laughing up and down.
They were going to go and terrorize other people and not even know that they were doing wrong
because they were just controlled by her and her power. So this is the same thing. A narcissist
gathers these groups of people and so you can think of them as a flying monkeys. The people that
think that that narcissist could do no wrong and so of course they're going to help with something
even to the point of hurting another person because they think they're doing the right thing
because the narcissist is so wise that they must know and they've instructed them in that direction.
So, a lot of useful idiots or flying monkeys get used in order to create the full manipulative,
fake picture that the narcissist is trying to create so nobody catches on
to the psychological abuse. Narcissists try to keep the survivor or their target person isolated.
This is a big sign of narcissism so they will isolate them financially, they'll try to steal
their money, hide it for them so they can't use it. They might keep them you know locked up like
no, don't get a job. You know you can't have a job or try to keep them selves like needy enough
that that person has to stay with them all the time so they don't get out and see other people
very often or when that person does get out to see people then suddenly they start saying oh I don't
feel very good, can you come back home. Come back to me, come back to me. I need you, I need you and
that need pulls on the heart of that good person and then they go back for more psychological abuse
which is really sad but it happens. Narcissists like to buy people's affections so they buy it
with attention, power and sometimes just gifts. Like oh here, here's a handbag that costs you know five
thousand dollars. Don't you love me and now all of a sudden that wife or that friend feels
like no one's ever done anything this nice or got me something this big before, this expensive
and so now they feel like the love must be truly there even though they have hard days sometimes,
that's another fake. Narcissists like to use the red herring trick. So if you're familiar with
logic and debate, you know that the red herring trick is where they start to throw out something
that's just a distraction to what's going on. So in order to get their way with their victim
on a regular basis, then when the person, the target person is starting to protest about something
then this is where they throw out the red herring, something that's gonna take the protesting
off track. Maybe point something that that person did or that somebody else did or all of a sudden
there's a new trauma or something like that and so the person can't keep focusing on trying to
stand up for themselves and then when it didn't work then they kind of just like give up, which is
another thing. So, the narcissist likes to wear down their target. If they can get them worn out on a
regular basis then they're super easy to control. I know this sounds incredibly freaky but sadly
this is what people do. Narcissists like to fake emotional problems. Okay so they'll pretend that
they have an emotion when they really don't and that just gets all the attention
focused on them so that the other person isn't noticed who might really need some attention.
They also will change their emotions drastically. So, one minute they're happy and oh I'm your best
friend and the next moment it's like boom, I change my emotions and I'm going to attack somebody else
and I'm super offended and all these things. So for some people are like oh, is that bipolarism
and lots of times it's just narcissism or sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies. Just keep
in mind it can look like bipolar. There are some different characteristics of bipolar that set it
apart. I don't have time to go into all those right now but just know that that changing and that
drastic changing of emotions is something to watch for. Narcissists oftentimes express a lot of caring.
So sometimes they don't care at all. They're like I don't care and that's their big thing that they
act like they don't care about certain things but then behind the scenes, they're overly caring
about stuff. So this is another thing. They care too much about certain things, they get hyper focused
on massive details and blow them out of proportion, that's another common characteristic of narcissism.
Emotions are really used by the narcissist. So oftentimes they're over inflated like
incredibly happy or now all of a sudden depths of despair. So watching for these erratic changes in
emotions could let you know that the person is trying to manipulate with those emotions
and they're seeing what trick works better for you. So super important. Another thing that
narcissists do is they like to turn the tables on people. So, there might be you know they're
working with you on something and then all of a sudden boom, they turn the tables and now all
of a sudden they're against you and they've used everything that you gave them to now attack you. So,
this is a strategic attack that takes a lot of patience and planning but they're willing to do it
if they feel like they get what they want out of it, that's what the narcissist wants. They just want
what they want, they want everyone to give them what they want. They feel like they deserve what
they want. They feel like their personality and their skills are big enough that they should be
able to get what they want and other people might have to sacrifice to give that to them, that is the
narcissistic mindset. This is why it's super hard to cure a person from narcissism because they have
a falsely inflated sense of ego and they are objectifying all the people around them
and extorting a lot of those people as well. So one key thing that I recommend for anybody
who's in a narcissistic relationship or trying to deal with someone who has narcissistic tendencies
is to read this book, Healing From Hidden Abuse. This is a fantastic book that will help you
identify more what is going on. Also, focus on your own self-awareness and your own calmness.
I have other videos that you're going to want to watch on this channel that are going to help you
develop some of that self-awareness, create the boundaries that you need to keep yourself safe.
So, if you've enjoyed this video then I'm pretty sure you'll like one of my next videos. Either
handling narcissistic behavior in children or handling narcissistic behavior in adults.