-Hi, James. -Thank you for coming back.
-I haven't seen -- You know the last time I saw you?
The last time I saw you was when you were hosting
that campaign rally for Roy Moore in Alabama, and --
Oh, my God! Were you on fire! -Thank you very much.
[ Laughter ]
That was the last time you saw me, yeah.
-Oh, I adore this show so much.
You know, of all the talk shows -- this is truth --
this is the one that I pretend to care about the most.
-Thank you! That is very nice. Thank you.
-I think "Carpool Karaoke" is so strong.
And "Mean Tweets," I mean, it's just --
You are a master of social media,
which I think is powerful.
[ Laughter ]
And even though I wasn't your first choice
for a guest tonight, I understand that.
But it doesn't really bother me
'cause Charlie Rose is such a different type.
-No. I will say...
[ Laughs ]
I will say, though, you look fantastic.
-I do? -Yes, you look fantastic.
You look great. You do.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm aging. I'm aging now. -No. You don't age.
-Oh, I look like I've been carried out of Shangri-La.
-No, no, no, no. You look fantastic.
-Well, listen. Let me say something about you.
And I know that men aren't supposed to say this
to other men, but you look stunning.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Stunning? -Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I will take it. -I call your look
"American Psycho Chic,"
and I don't even know what that means.
-You invented a new word. -Really, I mean --
Thank you. -You never age, Jimmy.
You don't. You don't.
I bet you're the only late-night host
that goes to a pediatrician.
-Thank you. That's -- [ Laughs ]
Whatever you're paying your makeup artist,
I would double it. -Wow.
And that chair that --
that new booster seat you're wearing --
gives you new presence, I'm telling you.
-It gives me a presence. It does, right?
-Jimmy and I, we've known each other for many years.
We have great conversa--
Tell them, which I found interesting,
what you were telling me backstage about why you feel
that people should go to the bathroom
where God intended them to. -No, no, no.
-What is that --
-Let's talk about something more topical.
-Oh, okay. Whatever.
-How was your Thanksgiving?
Did you have a happy Thanksgiving?
How was it? -Oh, it was great.
You know, I mean, the Chinese food came like in eight minutes.
-[ Laughs ] You didn't have Turkey?
-I will tell you Thanksgiving in Hollywood
is very weird now 'cause of all the scandals
and, you know, stars are afraid to say,
"Can you pass the breast or thighs?"
I mean, you don't want --
-You don't want to -- Yeah, don't even bring it up.
-No, no, no.
Now, you know, if someone
unbuttons their pants under the table,
you don't know if they're full or just lonely, you know?
[ Laughter ]
You were on the -- I saw. You were on the float.
-I was on, yeah, the Thanksgiving Day parade.
I was on the float.
We had so much fun. The Roots.
We had the best time. -You did?
-It was so fun. We loved it.
I had the greatest time.
-I was in a float, too, yeah. -I didn't see you.
-Yeah, well, I'm -- This is -- I'm not that guy,
but evidently people said that I was the best Mrs. Claus ever.
-Congratulations. That's great. -I like a compliment.
-But Thanksgiving, you have Canadian Thanksgiving?
-Yeah, well, we actually --
You know, I'm Canadian-American, as you know, born in Canada.
[ Scattered hollering ]
Gee! That was very good. -That was a good one.
That was like a, "Wah-ah-ah-ah."
-It was a combination of a man being cheerful
and also passing a stone.
[ Laughter ]
-It's that rare combination. -Oh, rare combination.
-It's a rare combination. -No, no, no.
Well, you know, Canadians,
we have our Thanksgiving in October.
-That's right. -October 6th.
Which is your Columbus Day.
And we have different traditions, you know?
We like to stuff the turkey through the beak.
That's unusual.
You know, you do it in a different way.
-That is unusual, but you do that in Canada.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, you know, we'll sit around and tell each other
what we're thankful for, and then we'll apologize
if it feels like bragging, you know?
-That's very Canadian of you. -We eat a whole potato
because mashing requires too much aggression.
-You're very peaceful in Canada.
-And then at the end of the dinner,
we stand together and all sing songs about public healthcare.
-Oh, isn't that beautiful?
Isn't that a beautiful thing to do?
I want to talk about --
You're on tour still with Steve Martin right now.
-I am, yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We have two names for this --
"An Evening You'll Forget for the Rest of Your Life"
and/or "See Them Before They're Dead."
-[ Laughs ] No, that's not true.
-Well... -No.
You're -- But I love --
Martin! Martin, wait! Martin!
Marty! It's me!
-Clear! Boof!
-No, you guys are -- But it's fun to go on tour.
You and Steve have been friends for a long time, right?
-Oh, my God. Well, he's --
There's no better friend, unless you need a favor.
But --
[ Laughter ]
No, I love Steve. You know, he's the palest.
You can't get a whiter human being.
Oh, my God. You get the feeling that when Steve was born,
the doctor said, "It's...a pillow."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, he was actually kicked out of a barbershop quartet
for being too white.
He had a DNA test, and it came back 90% vapor.
-You hate to hear those stories. -Absolutely.
You're doing Thursday, January 18th,
in Fort Myers, Florida.
-Sure am, Jimmy. -January 19th, Friday.
[ As Jerry Lewis ] Hey, that's a good date.
-[ As Jerry Lewis ] At the Duke Energy Center of the Arts.
-Hey, Jerry, are you going to come to any of these shows?
-I will be coming to the Friday, February 16th, one
in Baltimore, Maryland. -Hey, that's a good time.
-That's a good one. I'll be at that one.
-[ Normal voice ] And I'll be there, too.
-[ Normal voice ] Martin Short, everybody! The one and only!