[Disclaimer read by Freeza]
[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
KING KAI: *Oh*...
KING KAI: *Oh*... *my*...
KING KAI: *Oh*... *my*... *God*.
TENSHINHAN: Y'know, you keep reacting, trying to prompt us to ask what's going on.
You could just tell us.
KING KAI: Alright, fine!
Freeza
Freeza got cut
Freeza got cut in half!
YAMCHA: HU-WHOOA!
TENSHINHAN: Wow - I didn't think Goku had it in him (!)
KING KAI: He doesn't. Freeza did it to himself...
FREEZA: HAAAAH! MY ORGANS! Stay in there! Stay in your home! Daddy needs you!
GOKU: Wow, Freezer. You really were a *cut* above the rest!
FREEZA: UUUOOOHH...
GOKU: But too bad you didn't make the *cut*!
FREEZA: UUOOOHHH...
GOKU: Guess you could call this a slice of life.
FREEZA: Please stop!
GOKU: Alright then, I'll cut you a break. I'm gonna split.
FREEZA: Wait! Wait! Wait!
I, I know I've a lot of terrible things... killed quite a number of people, some of which you liked...
uh, but may I ask you... as one neighbor to another...
can you spare a cup of energy?
GOKU: Well...
KING KAI: NO!
KING KAI: NO! NO!
KING KAI: NO! NO! NO!
KING KAI: NO! NO! NO! NO!
TENSHINHAN: I'm not even asking any more... KING KAI: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
TENSHINHAN: I'm not even asking any more... KING KAI: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
TENSHINHAN: I'm not even asking any more... KING KAI: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
KING KAI: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
GOKU: HIIYAAH!
Now, be responsible with this energy! Don't use it to hurt any more people! Or on the drugs.
FREEZA: What? But... why?
GOKU: I'm gonna go now. Got a long trip home.
I'd ask if I could take one of your legs with me, but you're probably hungry too. Bye!
FREEZA: Uuh-huuuh?
'He's... really just leaving me here...'
'He gave me his energy and... left me...'
'Maybe this is a sign...'
'Maybe I should change...'
'Maybe this is, my second... and last... chance...'
'*Maybe*... I was wrong.'
*Naaah*!
GOKU: God dang it Freezer, now I have to give you more!
FREEZA: *No* *no*-*no*-NO-NO-NO-NO--
EEEYAAAAAAAAAAH...!!
GOKU: 'Huh... don't see him anymore. Guess he took the energy and left.'
'Speaking of which, where am I going?'
KING KAI: HAAAH...
KING KAI: HAAAH... AAAHH...
KING KAI: HAAAH... AAAHH... HUUWAAAH...
KING KAI: HAAAH... AAAHH... HUUWAAAH... AAAHH...
YAMCHA: I-- TENSHINHAN: Don't you dare.
KING KAI: ...HAAAAH...
OK, you win! Goku blew Freeza up!
TENSHINHAN: See? Was that so hard?
KING KAI [off-screen]: Well, not as hard as it's gonna be to get off Namek.
GOKU: 'Where am I? Where's my ship?! Everything looked the same before, now looks all the same but on *fire*!'
'Uh - a ship!'
'Alright, gotta find it!'
KING KAI: 'Goku, hurry!'
GOKU: The controls! Where is it? Where is it?!
KING KAI: It's about to blow!
GOKU: 'Come on, come on...!'
*There*!
*YES*!!
KING KAI: ...Oh, my God...
GOKU: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY--!
{BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM}
KING KAI: It's...
[Sad, mournful music] KING KAI: It's... it's over.
YAMCHA: What?
KING KAI: Goku could not escape the explosion. Namek is gone... and so is he.
YAMCHA: No... Goku, *no*...
NOOOOOOOOO!
(Sobbing)
[Sad, mournful music suddenly ends] TENSHINHAN: Why do you care?
YAMCHA: Hah, wha?
TENSHINHAN: Why do any of you care? Are you forgetting the whole reason that they went to Namek in the first place?
Now we have *two* sets of Dragon Balls!
YAMCHA: Well, yeah, but you make it sound like death has no consequence!
TENSHINHAN: It really *doesn't* - we're literally waiting to go back. Hell, this is Chiaotzu's second time!
CHIAOTZU: Next time I get a free sundae!
YAMCHA: Huh...
KING KAI: Hah...
TENSHINHAN: Yeah.
KING KAI: So, who wants to tell Bulma?
YAMCHA: Let me do it. Bulma's my girl.
KING KAI: PFEH! Yeah, OK. Go ahead, stud.
MOURI: And now that I have devoured Guru, I have become the new Grand Elder!
BULMA: Huh... seems legit.
YAMCHA [telepathically]: Hey, Bulma! It's me, Yamcha.
BULMA [t]: Oh, hey, hold on a moment, my ex is calling me.
YAMCHA [t]: Hey girl, let's get t--... wait, "ex"? What's that about?
BULMA [t]: Yeah, I'm breaking up with you.
YAMCHA [t]: Pwha...? But *why*?
BULMA [t]: You haven't called me in *months*.
YAMCHA [t]: *I have been dead*!
BULMA [t]: Oh, well, that's not stopping you NOW, is it?
YAMCHA [t]: Do not do this right now!
BULMA [t]: Hey, you wanna know how this is ending? Hey Vegeta, wanna come live with me?
VEGETA: Only if its got a pool.
YAMCHA [t]: HE'S THE REASON I'M *DEAD*!
BULMA [t]: Well then, I guess he's just more of a man than you, isn't he?
YAMCHA [t]: Oh, you dirty *BITCH*!!
KING KAI: Yeah, OK, I'm gonna take over, this isn't going anywhere.
YAMCHA [t]: Now you listen here...!
KING KAI [t]: Tenshinhan.
{THWACK} YAMCHA [t]: DOOHH-HOOHH, MY GOOD LEG!!
KING KAI [t]: OK, listen.
Gohan's fatherless and the Namekians are homeless. So... that's a thing.
Now have fun delivering the message, I've gotta go cast up Yamcha's leg.
YAMCHA [t]: WHY...?!?!
[King Kai hangs up]
BULMA: Huh... well, uh... Gohan, Goku's dead.
GOHAN: Dammit!
BULMA: Namekians, your planet blew up.
NAMEKIANS: DAMMIT!
BULMA: Ssso, until we can use the Dragon Balls...
who wants a big old sleepover?
MOURI: You think you can accommodate the entirety of my people?
BULMA: My Dad's a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist.
[♫ "Back in Black" ♫]
Speak of the devil!
[♫ The Imperial March ♫] GOHAN: Wait... I feel a dark presence on that ship...
CHI-CHI [in a deep, dark tone]: WHERE'S MY BABY?!
NARRATOR: And so, the Namekians were relocated to the Briefs' compound.
DR. BRIEFS: So honey, you say all of these are your friends from high school?
BULMA: Yes, Dad.
DR. BRIEFS: Tell them to keep out of my Scotch!
NARRATOR: The Namekian adults learned golf!
GOLF COMMENTATOR: Tricky bit of putting here; very difficult to read from this angle and the green's up and running rather fast today.
Mouri looks like he's aiming slightly to the right of the hole, and...
good for par.
{CLAP}
NARRATOR: The Namekian children learned strip poker.
DENDE: Alright, sprouts... lay 'em on the table.
NARRATOR: Gohan caught up on his studies...
CHI-CHI: You read it!
CHI-CHI: You read it! You learn it!
CHI-CHI: You read it! You learn it! You love it!
GOHAN: But Mom, I've already read Huck Finn.
CHI-CHI: Yes, but this one has the N-word taken out!
NARRATOR: Piccolo... did his usual thing; only with company.
NAIL: 'So, uh, you wanna go hang out with our race?'
PICCOLO: 'Nnnno.'
NAIL: ''Cause, you know, this may be the last chance we'll ever get.'
PICCOLO: 'No.'
NAIL: 'Well, you're boring.'
PICCOLO: 'And *you're* ruining my meditation.'
NAIL: 'You're not meditating, you're *napping*! I know the difference.'
NARRATOR: Vegeta did what he does best...
VEGETA: Sayonara, bitches!
DR. BRIEFS: Son of a bitch took ma Scotch!
BULMA: Call me!
NARRATOR: And soon four months (or one Namekian year) passed, and the Namekian Dragon Balls became ready for use.
DENDE: During our time squatting here on Earth, we taught the Dragon how to speak English!
BULMA: Oh, well that's convenient.
DENDE: Rise, Porunga!
BULMA: Wait a second, I just thought of something. Maybe we shouldn't do this out in the middle of the--
[Godzilla roar]
RANDOM LADY: Aaah! Gojira!
[People shouting "Gojira!" "Godzirra!" "Godzilla!" etc]
POLICE OFFICER: Attention everybody. [Clears throat]
Godzirra, Godzirra. Godzirra, Godzirra, Godzirra. Godzirra, Godzirra.
RANDOM DUDE: Godzirra!
ANOTHER RANDOM LADY: Uwoa, Gojira!
ANOTHER RANDOM DUDE: Aah, Godzilla!
[Etc...]
PORUNGA: You have summoned the great Porunga! Make your wish, and I--
DENDE: OK, listen, I'm sure you get this a lot, but can we just get, like, six wishes?
'Cus we're just gonna bring you back in four months and do this crap again.
Plus, we're just bringing some schmucks back to life.
PORUNGA: Well, that is unconventional. But considering the ease of these wishes, I will accommodate--
DENDE: And a planet.
PORUNGA: Oh, that's just a dick move!
DENDE: Alright, let's get the hard one out of the way.
Dragon! Build the Namekians a new Namek!
PORUNGA: Donezo.
DENDE: Sweet. Alright, you guys do whatever you want.
BULMA: First: Tien and Chiaotzu!
CHIAOTZU: Oh hey, we're back! Kinda want that sundae though...
TENSHINHAN: *Chiaotzu*...
CHIAOTZU: I'll wait.
BULMA: Next: ...Yamcha.
YAMCHA [o-s]: Wah! Water in my cast! I'm gonna get gangrene! Aaah!
DENDE: And I guess you wanna wish back your dad now, huh?
GOHAN: Actually, we wanna save him for last.
DENDE: ...Yeah. Like I said, you wanna wish your dad back, right?
GOHAN: Dende, we have to wish Krillin back.
DENDE: Urrrgh... fine.
We wish back... *Krillin*.
KRILLIN [repeatedly]: WAH!
GOHAN: Krillin! You're alive! KRILLIN [repeatedly]: WAH!
KRILLIN [repeatedly]: WAH!
GOHAN [o-s]: Eh, just give him a minute. KRILLIN [repeatedly]: WAH!
KRILLIN [repeatedly]: WAH!
GOHAN: And now, last but not least:
Bring back my *Dad*!
DENDE: Bring back his dad!
PORUNGA: I cannot do this.
GOHAN: Hahahaha, uh... what?
PORUNGA: The one called Goku is still alive!
GOHAN: Wh-what? He is?!
BULMA: That's great! Then just wish him here.
GOHAN: Dragon, will my father here!
PORUNGA: Uhh, sorry. Can't do that either.
GOHAN: ...OK, what?
PORUNGA: The one called Goku wishes not to return!
GOHAN: Pardon?
DENDE: He said your father wishes not to return--
GOHAN: I heard what he said! I want an explanation!
PORUNGA: Well, I'm sorry. Wishing all your other friends back to life and building a *planet* has left me a *little* worn out!
He doesn't wanna come back. End of story. Now if you have another wish for me, I can try that.
Otherwise, bite me.
DENDE: Gohan, I... I know it must be hard... but maybe your dad is off somewhere else, doing something really important.
I just want you to know that... that I'm here for you and, and that... I... I love you.
GOHAN: Wh--... what?
DENDE: Wha...
DENDE: Wha... what did I...
DENDE: Wha... what did I... d-did I say it too soon?
DENDE: Wha... what did I... d-did I say it too soon? Oh God, I said it too soon!
DENDE: Wha... what did I... d-did I say it too soon? Oh God, I said it too soon! Oh God, I f**ked it up!
DRAGON! Take everyone from Old Namek and put them on New Namek!
[Calm, soothing music]
DR. BRIEFS: What a *fa*--!
VEGETA: This ship will take me where I need to go. Now I can train, without *anyone* bothering me--
[♪ "Ghostbusters" ringtone ♪]
VEGETA: ...The hell is that? A phone? [♪ "Ghostbusters" ringtone ♪]
[♪ "Ghostbusters" ringtone ♪]
NAPPA: Hey! It's me. Don't ask me how I got this number; I've got people.
VEGETA: What the hell is *going on*?!
NAPPA: OK, listen. I figured out that they used the Dragon Balls to wish back
*everyone* that was killed by Freeza's men. Technically, you worked for Freeza when you killed me, so
BAM, Nappa's back baby! WOOHWOOH!
VEGETA: What about all the ones *you* killed?
NAPPA: Well, technically I worked for you, but that has *changed*.
I'm in Hollywood now!
VEGETA: What, are they doing a live adaptation of "Mr. Clean"?
NAPPA: Ha! That's hilarious! Find me the guy who writes your material and give me his number, because I'm a producer now!
VEGETA: Of course you are. What do you even *do*?
NAPPA: Actually, I'm in charge of this new project; wrote it myself!
It's about this one guy who's killed tragically by his best friend, but then comes back as a ghost and haunts him!
I call it, "Citizen Nappa"!
Merchandising rights alone are gonna make a f**king mint! We just singed on this great new actor, too - name's Mark Satan.
Need to work on the first name, thinking "Hercule". What d'ya think?
VEGETA: I-- NAPPA: What do I care, you're not on my Board!
VEGETA: But I--
NAPPA: Listen - I'll see you around, and when you're back on Earth, give me a call.
We'll do lunch! Ciao!
[Nappa hangs up]
VEGETA [o-s]: ...God...
VEGETA [o-s]: ...God... damn it...
VEGETA [o-s]: ...God... damn it... Nappa...
[♫ Cha-La Head-Cha-La (2005 version) ♫]
♫ Sparking! ♫
♫ Hikaru kumo o tsukinuke Fly Away (Fly Away) ♫ (Piercing the shining clouds, I fly away (fly away))
♫ Karadajû ni hirogaru panorama ♫ (While a panorama spreads through my body)
♫ Kao o kerareta chikyû ga okotte (okotte) ♫ (Kicked in the face, the Earth gets angry (gets angry))
♫ Kazan o bakuhatsu saseru ♫ (And makes a volcano explode)
♫ Toketa kôri no naka ni ♫ (Within the melted polar ice)
♫ Kyôryû ga itara tamanori shikomitai ne ♫ (If there’s a dinosaur, I want to train it to balance on a ball)
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Mune ga pachi-pachi suru hodo ♫ (Just as loudly as my heart pounds)
♫ Sawagu Genki-Dama ♫ (The Spirit Bomb roars)
♫ Sparking! ♫
(Finished.)