- Hi, Topaz here, founder of The Skin Deep.
Sometimes you just need the right questions
to illuminate the connections you have
with the people in your life.
That's why we created The And card game
so you can play them at home.
Visit theskindeep.com/shop and enjoy.
Thanks.
(clicking)
(scribbling)
- What have I done that surprised you most this year?
(sighs)
- Well, I mean, I think I'll use
that as a springboard to share the memory
that I shared with you, where I was going
through your backpack to get-- (laughs)
I don't even know what I was getting.
You asked me to get something for you.
- Sure I did.
- I was snooping around, seeing what I'd find.
Oh, look.
A dirty diaper.
It's yours.
I knew it.
- A chicken coop.
(laughing)
- That's exactly it.
I remember I was going through your backpack
because you had asked me to get something,
and I went through and it was literally a ferret's nest.
- Oh that's right.
It was dirty diapers.
- It was, no, but it wasn't dirty.
It was a completely rotted banana,
but not like, it was like a month old.
It wasn't like a week old.
- Semi-ripened.
- It was.
- Ripened banana.
- It was things just completely stuffed in,
and at the same time, you were
on the phone with the insurance agent
about the fire, and I was listening
to you, and it was watching these two
seemingly unable-to-exist-at-the-same-time realities
that were part of the same woman.
And it gave me the most incredible sense of joy,
and it was watching you just execute,
execute, execute with a baby on your hip
and with all the other things that you have on your plate,
also being an incredible mother at the same time.
And just getting to watch you do both
of those side-by-side was a real joy for me.
- Thank you.
- What is a memory that you never wanna forget
from this past year?
(sighs)
- I think it was four weeks ago that we all got the flu.
And you were on Nia and I was on Ray
because he was inconsolable, and I remember
just holding him in the middle of the night
and it's completely dark, and we're
just both burning so hot, and all
I wanted to do was just lie on my bed and sleep.
And I had this little baby who was
completely dependent on me for his wellbeing,
and so, time and time again, I got
up out of that fucking bed and I just stood
there and rocked him and held him
'cause it was the only way he would sleep.
And he would just keep crying and crying,
and I just kept singing to him,
literally all night long.
I'm here with you.
I'm here.
I love you.
Mama loves you.
Mama's here.
And we'd just, we got through,
night after night, and just that sweet moment
of just feeling so fully this, that's like that.
The depths of parental love, and just feeling it,
feeling it so clearly in the middle of the night,
night after night, while I'm burning up and he's burning up.
It felt so sweet.
I just felt so sweet.
And it was so hard.
But just feeling that love for our children.
- Okay.
- That's one of the things I wanna remember.
Where is there room for growth in our relationship?
(sighs)
- In order to achieve growth,
one must spend time on something,
and that, for me, is, I was just saying
to you before just how much I miss you.
- Yeah.
- I just miss you so much.
- I miss you so much.
- And that's something that I think we were really.
I mentioned this the other night
when we passed by each other in the bathroom
at 12:15 a.m., and it was the first chance
I'd gotten to really just get to take a moment
and just be present with you.
And I said that I missed you, and the
other part was the feeling of being back-to-back.
I think this has been the hardest 12 months
we've had in a decade.
- Really?
You feel that way?
- We didn't sleep in the.
We divided and conquered,
and I went in slept in a bed with Nia.
We didn't even sleep in the same bed.
- For five months?
- Five, six months, whatever it was.
It was almost half a year.
Our relationship is incredibly solid
and requires maintenance, and when
we don't give it that maintenance,
it's so easy for those little barriers of film to pop up.
And to slowly but surely have this--
- Yeah, there's been layers of disconnection.
- Those thin layers of disconnection.
- But it's hard for me to hear
you say this has been one of the hardest
or most disconnecting years that we've--
- Since 2010.
- We've ever had.
'Cause I guess, and it's eye-opening for me.
'Cause to some extent it's like
I just feel like we're on hold.
We're gonna get through this first fucking year.
- Right.
- But it doesn't, I don't feel
like there's cracks in the ground.
You know what I mean?
I don't feel like you're going
anywhere or I'm going anywhere
or there's any possibility for that.
At least unless you're telling me different.
(laughing)
You know what I mean?
So it's surprising for me to hear
you say how distressing it's been,
and it does offer some insight of
how hard it is.
I know I've been largely.
I know.
I know I've.
What am I trying to say?
I just, I know that this last year has been very hard.
And we haven't had the time for us.
But are you expressing that you're concerned?
- No. - Okay.
- No, absolutely not.
It's not that I feel concerned.
It's that I feel disconnected.
And I feel more disconnected for a longer period
of time than I have felt in a long time.
- I noticed that too.
When we do get in our spiffs, it does feel
like it's easier and longer.
- Yeah, I feel like we'll stay disconnected.
We'll stay disconnected for a longer period of time
than I ever remember us being disconnected.
And again, there are two kids and
all of the things that go along with it.
It's ongoing.
And that, for me, is just.
I feel like our relationship is the bedrock of my life.
And to see those cracks form.
I'm not going anywhere.
I know we'll spackle them up.
But to feel those cracks form and think, wow.
We talk about things very vulnerably.
There's nothing that we hide.
Everything is out in the open.
And I hear about, hearing other--
- I have one thing that I might need to tell you.
- What did you buy?
- No.
No.
Well, there is a plot at the community garden
that is coming up.
- Like for a gravestone?
What do you--? (laughing)
- Well, I asked them if it was possible
to have animals on it.
- Oh, that's, I'm taking care of chickens?
- I was going to get some chickens.
- But not in our--?
- Not in our house.
- Okay.
That's okay.
That's fine.
You want someone else to take care of chickens?
Go for it. - Well, we would
probably take care of them at the community garden.
- Look.
If chickens die at a community garden,
it's no skin off my back.
I'm sorry.
So I don't have to take care of 'em.
If they're in my backyard, I have to take care of 'em.
So that's fine.
So you can--
- That was just the.
If you saw, look, if there's nothing
we don't tell each other, that was the thing.
- That's not really-- - It was my big secret.
- You told a community garden that
you wanted them to get chickens.
That's--
- But we technically, they would be our chickens.
- Why am I not?
Yours and Is?
Okay, fine, that's fine.
But I just, with how honest and,
most of the time.
- Mostly honest.
But I-- - Yeah, yeah.
I hear what you're saying.
Yeah.
- So I just, yeah.
Thanks for hearing me.
- I didn't mean to interrupt you.
- No, no, no, not.
I don't.
I feel like I got to say what I was going to say,
which it was my appreciation for parents that have kids.
'Cause it's hard.
- It's hard. - It's really hard.
How have I grown the most in the last
few years that I don't realize?
(dithers)
- Hey, so if that video moved you, if you dug it,
if you wanna see more of 'em, be sure
to subscribe and hit the notification button
so we can keep you updated about our weekly releases.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks for joining.