(creaking)
(cabinets creaks open)
(rustling)
(beeping)
(microwave whirring)
(creaking)
(popcorn popping)
(rips)
- Ben, what are you doing?
- Shhh,
be quiet.
You're trying to sleep.
Shush, don't be quiet.
- [Narrator] Every insomniac ever.
(sighs)
(dramatic music)
(sighs)
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
(sighs)
(grunting)
- Come on!
(sighs)
(groaning)
(clock ticking)
(snoring)
(alarm clock beeping)
- I just slept for 15 minutes.
Yes!
- [Narrator] Ugh.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, well I'll put the phone down by 11
then I could still get a good night's rest.
Okay it's past 11 but I'm still not tired yet
so I'll just stop at 12.
That's still a good amount of time to sleep. Yeah.
Okay I'm almost done with this article.
Ooh what's that?
(upbeat music)
Ohh that's spicy.
Okay done with that Twitter argument,
what time is it?
Oh my God!
(sighs)
I might as well just stay up the whole night.
I'll do better tomorrow.
- [Narrator] Every, oh, what time is it, ever?
(quirky music)
(sighs)
(quirky music)
- Well if I'm gonna be awake,
I might as well just like clean my apartment or something.
(vacuuming)
(birds chirping)
(yawns)
(dramatic music)
I gotta stop taking Ambien.
- [Narrator] What is sleep?
(bedtime music)
(dramatic music)
- Oh (beep) I forgot to call Jack today!
Oh God, he's gonna think I'm such a flake!
Am I a flake?
(scoffs)
I left Sarah's ninth birthday party early,
but it wasn't my fault I threw up!
Was it my fault?
- [Narrator] Yes, I've tried melatonin.
- I just have the hardest time sleeping at night
and I don't know what it is.
It's unexplainable.
Anyways, I'm gonna talk to you later.
I'm gonna take a nap.
(snores)
Oh, whoa.
I just slept for two hours, that's crazy!
(yawns)
Still tired though, I'm gonna go back to sleep.
(snores)
(crickets chirping)
Why can't I sleep!
- [Narrator] Oh great,
I have to wake up in three hours, yay!
(dramatic music)
- Oh, no.
You're not real.
- Well it's true that I may be
a collection of clothes and shadows
in the corner of your room.
Do you really wanna take that chance?
(groans)
Yeah that's right,
hide under your sheets, you little sissy.
- [Narrator] I just wanna sleep.
(bedtime music)
(dramatic music)
- There are still orcas living in captivity
and nobody even cares.
It's so sad!
Can I foster an orca?
- [Narrator] Staring at my ceiling for hours is fun.
- Ah, warm milk.
This oughta do the trick.
(groaning)
How could I forget I'm lactose intolerant?
(sobbing)
- [Narrator] My only dream is to have dreams.
(sighs)
- Listen, I know it's really difficult for you right now
to not be catching any dreams,
but I'm doing my best, okay?
I'm sorry.
(sad music)
Wow I really need friends.
- [Narrator] Ah, I'm finally going to sleep
and it's time to wake up.
- Sorry I'm so out of it, guys.
I got like two hours of sleep.
- You're so lucky.
I barely slept an hour.
(scoffs)
- You actually slept? Lucky.
I would kill for a half hour of sleep.
I didn't even get any last night.
- Oh, you guys think I meant last night?
I've only gotten two hours of sleep
this entire week!
- Yeah well I've been awake
for probably like 80 hours
at this point, straight.
- Huh, you think that's cool?
All the owls in my neighborhood
have swarmed around my apartment
to seek my wisdom
on how to be awake during the night.
- [Narrator] Freddy Krueger is better than this.
(bedtime music)
- I should check my ex's Instagram.
(dramatic music)
He went to Joshua Tree?
With her?
- [Narrator] How come I only fall asleep
when I have to read an important textbook?
(gasps)
- I just had an amazing idea!
Oh yeah!
Yeah!
Yes!
Oh my God I'm so smart.
I'm gonna wake up in the morning
and think I'm so awesome!
Nice!
(birds chirping)
(inhales)
(groans)
Cats, but with more legs.
I'm gonna be fucking rich.
- [Narrator] Mmm, what time is it?
Oh God, not again.
(groans)
- Maybe a little news will lull me to sleep.
- [News Reporter] And that's when the terrorists
hijacked the flaming yacht,
and drove it into the orphanage
before diabetic puppies.
Merry Christmas, and goodnight.
- Well, I'm never going to sleep again.
(snoring)
- [Narrator] I'm just kidding, I can't sleep.
(sighs)
- Okay, I can do this.
I've meditated,
my mind is at ease,
I've had tea,
you're going to sleep.
(bedtime music)
Except for that memory from fourth grade
when I peed my pants
and Eliza Birdstein called me out and I lied
and I told her I just got baptized that morning
but the priest was in a rush
and decided it was just as effective
to do it over the clothes.
Or that time I forgot my lines during Act 1
of "Bye Bye Birdie" and after a full minute of silence,
the only thing I could think to mutter out was,
"Bye bye birdie."
Or that time at Dave & Busters
when I was with Danny
and I threw up on the skee-ball machine
but wanted to play it cool
and act like it wasn't that big deal,
so I just kept playing
and rolling the skee balls through my own vomit!
Or that time that I was at band camp
and I just--
(alarm beeping)
(sighs)
Time to start my day.
- [Narrator] Let's play the game
meth phase or sleep deprivation.
(groans)
- I'm too hungry to fall asleep.
But it's so bad for you to eat right before bed.
You know what?
I can have something light.
Yeah, like a classic small little night snack.
That's what I'll do.
Okay so I'm only gonna have like three olives, that's it!
Now that I've activated my stomach,
I'm only gonna get hungrier
so like maybe just like half a pickle.
Those two things were so salty.
I need to balance it out with something sweet.
Slice of cake! Yes!
That was a pretty small slice of cake.
All right, so I know I'm not being very healthy,
so I've gotta balance it out
with something like protein, like a ham.
Ooh, entire ham, yes!
All right, this is becoming less of a snack
and more like a full meal.
And we know it's not good to eat before bed,
but hold on,
if I treat this as breakfast,
and my sleep as like an eight hour nap,
then we're golden!
Oh, that's perfect! All right.
Time for dessert.
Slice of cake!
Ooh, I really should finish that half a pickle.
It's weird that I put it back.
Why would I do that?
I'm a bad roommate.
- [Narrator] What day is it again?
- Honestly, I don't even know if I've ever even had
an REM sleep.
Like I don't even remember ever having a dream, ever.
- Yo, I've been taking so much Zambien,
that's Zannie and Ambien together,
and I'm still just flying off the handle.
- Hey um, do you guys think maybe
bragging about not sleeping
is kind of weird
and not good?
- Sounds like someone got a half hour of sleep last night.
(laughing)
- God!
- Little snoozer!
- [Narrator] Every insomniac ever.
(vocalizing)
(spraying)
- Ugh, can't believe I'm using my good skin spray, bro.
- Be quiet, dude. Shush. Don't be quiet.
- I knew I wasn't supposed to have a second cupcake,
but, I didn't know she had cats,
I didn't know that the cats would be in the cupcakes.
(whimpering)
- Go to sleep.
I dare you.
(coughing)
- Oh my God, that's (beep) genius!
God, I rock!
- Welp, that was that.
We're all tired.
I think every single one of us
is tired right now.
That's the one thing uniting the world.
If you wanna watch more
good (beep) shit,
we got it.
So check it out,
it's somewhere around here.
Also we got smosh.store,
some good old stuff over there.
And if you haven't subscribed,
frankly, if you haven't subscribed at this point,
I don't know what you're doing.
Do it.
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