- THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE LADIES.
♪ IF YOU WANT TO EAT ANIMALS ♪
♪ I CAN'T STOP YOU ♪
♪ BUT YOU MUST KNOW ♪
♪ YOU ARE NEVER GONNA FEEL ♪
♪ MY [BLEEP] ON YOUR CLIT ♪
[BRIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ IF YOU WANT TO EAT ANIMALS ♪
♪ I CAN'T STOP YOU ♪
♪ BUT YOU MUST KNOW ♪
♪ I AM NEVER GONNA STICK
♪ MY [BLEEP] UP YOUR ASS ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I'M NOT GAY ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BUT I'D RATHER SUCK ♪
♪ A VEGAN [BLEEP] ♪
♪ THAN LICK A CARNIST [BLEEP] ♪
♪ ♪
GO VEGAN!
[STRUMS]
- ALL RIGHT, HE IS IN NO POSITION
TO BE PICKY ABOUT WHO HE GOES DOWN ON.
THAT PUSSY [BLEEP] ACTIVIST IS JOHN.
HE MAKES LOTS OF MUSIC VIDEOS,
AND LIKE EVERYTHING VEGANS DO,
THEY'RE A BIT JUDGE-Y AND OFF-PUTTING.
A VEGAN WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR
IS THE ABSOLUTE LAST PERSON I WOULD EVER INVITE TO A PARTY.
LIKE AUTISM AND PANIC ATTACKS,
VEGANISM IS SOMETHING WHITE PEOPLE INVENTED
BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE REAL PROBLEMS.
VEGANS CLAIM IT'S ALL ABOUT PREVENTING SUFFERING,
BUT NOBODY SUFFERS MORE THAN THE GUY
CHOKING DOWN CASHEW CHEESE.
JUST STOP TRYING TO CONVERT US.
THIS ISN'T CHRISTIANITY.
YOU DON'T GET TO GO TO A SPECIAL VEGAN HEAVEN.
AND DON'T GET THEM CONFUSED WITH VEGETARIANS.
VEGETARIANS WILL STILL USE SOAP TO WASH THEIR BODIES.
IS THERE DAIRY IN THIS? I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT A FORENSIC SCIENTIST.
IT TASTES GOOD, SO PROBABLY, YES.
AND IF YOU SHOW UP TO MY SUPER BOWL PARTY
WITH CAULIFLOWER BUFFALO WINGS,
I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT.
JUST SIT THERE HOGGING ALL THE CELERY
WHILE YOU TRY TO FIGURE OUT FOOTBALL.
PERSONALLY, I DON'T CARE WHAT JOHN PUTS IN HIS BODY,
AS LONG AS HE KEEPS MAKING HIS SWEET, SWEET MUSIC.
THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,
WHERE THE ONLY DIET MORE POPULAR THAN GOING VEGAN
IS BULIMIA,
FOR THIS WEEK'S CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.
[UPBEAT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]
♪ ♪
ONE RADISH SANDWICH,
HEAVY ON THE I CAN BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER
ON 1,000-GRAIN BREAD.
- THANK YOU. - THAT'LL BE $24. NEXT!
- UH, FOOT-LONG MEATBALL HOAGIE WITH BACON.
♪ ♪
- GO ON AND GET, YOU HETEROSEXUAL CARNIST
SON OF A BITCH!
JOHN! - HEY.
- HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY? - HOW ARE YOU?
- WHAT CAN I GET YOU TODAY?
- CAN I GET A 1/2 POUND OF TOFU,
EXTRA THIN?
- YOU GOT IT.
♪ ♪
[WHIRRING]
IS THAT THIN ENOUGH FOR YOU?
ANY THINNER, IT REALLY GUNKS UP THE SLICER.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A VEGAN?
- I'VE BEEN VEGAN SINCE 1998
AFTER READING A BOOK CALLED "OLD MACDONALD'S FACTORY FARM."
- IS THERE ANY SCENARIO WHERE YOU CAN EAT
MILK, EGGS, OR DAIRY?
LIKE, WHAT IF YOU HAD YOUR OWN COW?
- YEAH, IF YOU HAD YOUR OWN COW
OR IF YOU HAD RESCUED CHICKENS.
THE WAY I LOOK AT IT IS THAT
THERE'S NO CONSENT INVOLVED.
YOU CAN'T HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH THE HENS AND ASK,
BUT IF I WERE IN A SITUATION--
SAY IF I WERE AT AN ISLAND SOMEWHERE
WITH ME AND A CHICKEN AND I HAD TO,
I WOULD KILL AN ANIMAL AND EAT THE ANIMAL TO SURVIVE,
BECAUSE THE WILL TO LIVE IN ME IS VERY, VERY STRONG.
- CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A CARNIST VAGINA AND A VEGAN VAGINA?
- I PROBABLY COULDN'T.
I'D HAVE TO DO A TASTE TEST, MAYBE, BACK AND FORTH,
BECAUSE THEY'D PROBABLY TASTE VERY SIMILAR.
- MM-HMM.
- REALLY, I'VE BEEN SO BUSY
DOING MY ART AND ACTIVISM
THAT I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN WITH A WOMAN
IN TWO YEARS NOW.
- BY CHOICE?
- WELL, I HAVE SOME WOMEN WHO ARE INTERESTED IN ME,
BUT I GUESS I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY.
- BUT IF YOU WERE ON AN ISLAND WITH A CARNIST WOMAN,
YOU WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM KILLING HER?
- IF SHE DIED, MAYBE I'D EAT HER BODY, YOU KNOW, TO SURVIVE.
- I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
- NO.
- CAN BEING A VEGAN REALLY MAKE YOU
PERFORM BETTER IN THE BEDROOM?
- I THINK SO BECAUSE CHOLESTEROL CLOGS ARTERIES.
YOU HAVE ARTERIES IN YOUR PENIS, FOR INSTANCE,
AND SO YOU INGEST THE CHOLESTEROL,
AND IT CAN CAUSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
I HAVE NO PROBLEM GETTING AN ERECTION
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, SO...
- ME NEITHER. - GOOD.
- I'LL RACE YOU. - [LAUGHS]
- I HEARD YOU WROTE A SONG ABOUT ME OR FOR ME.
- I DID. YES.
- DO I GET TO HEAR THAT? - ABSOLUTELY.
I'LL EVEN THROW IN SOME PELVIC THRUSTING FOR YOU.
[LAUGHS]
- SEEMS LIKE A BONUS. I'LL TAKE IT.
- ♪ DANIEL "TOSH.0" ♪
♪ IT'S TIME TO GO ♪
BOTH: ♪ VEGAN ♪
♪ VEGAN ♪
♪ DANIEL "TOSH.0" ♪
♪ IT'S TIME TO GO ♪
♪ VEGAN ♪
♪ LET'S MAKE SOME PLATES AND DANCE ♪
♪ AND MAYBE GET TOGETHER ♪
♪ FOR SOME ROMANCE ♪
♪ WITH SOME SEXY VEGANS ♪
♪ SEXY VEGANS ♪
♪ VEGANS ARE SEXY ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
- THAT IS A GOOD SONG.
THE PART WHERE YOU GOT REAL--FLIRTATIOUS THING,
THAT WAS A LITTLE SCARY, BUT I LIKED IT.
- THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT SONG WAS
DON'T USE ANIMALS AS INSULTS.
- YEAH, LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
I'VE SEEN LOTS OF VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET
OF POLICE BRUTALITY, FOR INSTANCE,
AND SO PEOPLE WILL CALL POLICE PIGS.
- SURE.
- BUT THE PIGS I'VE MET ARE REALLY AWESOME CREATURES.
- MAYBE BEING CALLED A PIG IS A COMPLIMENT,
'CAUSE I THINK WHEN I CALL A COP A PIG...
- YEAH.
- HE SHOULD TAKE THAT AS,
"OH, I'M A VERY INTELLIGENT FARM ANIMAL."
- YEAH, WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO INSULT PEOPLE WHATSOEVER.
I THINK IT'S BETTER TO SAY WORDS THAT BUILD PEOPLE UP.
- OKAY, WHAT IF I SAY YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, A HORSE'S [BLEEP].
- [LAUGHS]
I WOULD TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT, SURE.
- SO SHOULD ONLY A PIG BE ALLOWED TO CALL SOMEONE A PIG?
LIKE, BLACK PEOPLE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE
THAT ARE ALLOWED TO USE THE N WORD?
- YES, I USED THE N WORD IN A VIDEO ONCE,
AND SOMEONE SAID TO ME, "JOHN, YOU KNOW,
WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T SAY THAT,"
SO I DELETED THE VIDEO, AND I DON'T SAY IT ANYMORE.
- HUH. YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON.
- I LEARNED MY LESSON.
ONE TIME, I EVEN WENT IN BLACKFACE
'CAUSE I WAS TIRED OF ALWAYS HAVING WHITE PEOPLE
IN MY VIDEOS, 'CAUSE I'LL PLAY ALL THE CHARACTERS.
- JOHN, THAT IS A BAD IDEA. - I KNOW.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO HAVE A BLACK WOMAN,
SO I PUT MAKEUP ON,
AND I WAS VERY RESPECTFUL WITH THE CHARACTER.
- SURE, YOU WERE.
- SHE WAS INTELLIGENT AND EVERYTHING.
BUT PEOPLE SAID, "JOHN, YOU KNOW,
"THERE'S A BAD HISTORY WITH BLACKFACE,
SO DON'T DO THAT AGAIN."
- I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE LIVING
FOR THE PAST 45 YEARS, BUT...
- I KNOW. WELL, YEAH, I MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
- WILL YOU SEND US THAT BLACKFACE VIDEO?
I PROMISE I WON'T PUT IT ON TELEVISION.
- OR SHARE-- YOU CAN'T SHARE IT
WITH ANYONE ON THE INTERNET, EITHER. IT'D BE FOR--
- NO, I JUST WANT TO WATCH IT MYSELF.
- YEAH, UH, SURE.
- THE ANSWER'S NO.
YOU SHOULD NOT EVER SEND THAT VIDEO EVER AGAIN.
- OKAY.
- YOU'LL GET YOURSELF IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
HAS THERE EVER BEEN ANY PUSHBACK
FROM THE VEGAN COMMUNITY?
- YES, THEY SAY I MAKE VEGANS LOOK LIKE WEIRDOS.
- ARE YOU MAKING ANY MONEY OFF THESE VIDEOS?
- A LITTLE BIT. I'VE MADE 700 BUCKS.
- OVER HOW LONG? - FOUR YEARS.
- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S NOT--
THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO LIVE OFF OF.
JOHN, IF YOU ASK ME, PETA'S GONE TOO SOFT,
WASTING THEIR TIME WITH ALL THESE NUDE PHOTO SHOOTS.
EVERYONE KNOWS MEAT IS MURDER.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP MURDER,
AND THAT'S WITH MORE MURDER.
SAYS SO RIGHT IN THE BIBLE.
I WANT YOU TO MEET ME BACK HERE AT MIDNIGHT.
- MIDNIGHT? WHY SO LATE?
- MM, OKAY, 9:30.
[YELLING]
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪ ♪
WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
WE HAVE TO CUT THE HEAD OFF THE SNAKE,
AND THE BODY WILL DIE.
- ♪ NEVER USE THE NAME OF AN ANIMAL ♪
♪ AS AN INSULT FOR A HUMAN ♪
- IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION, JOHN.
WE'RE NOT KILLING ANY SNAKES.
WE'RE GONNA KILL THE TOP MEAT PUSHERS.
- I'M NOT GONNA KILL ANYONE.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
WE'VE EACH GOT SPECIAL SKILLS.
YOURS JUST HAPPENS TO BE PLAYING MUSIC
THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES.
FIRST UP, SAM THE BUTCHER.
- FROM "THE BRADY BUNCH"?
- YEAH. YOU KNOW HIM?
- I THINK HE DIED A WHILE AGO.
- OKAY. ONE DOWN.
- ♪ SLITTING THROATS ♪
♪ STOPPING HEARTS FROM BEATING ♪
♪ THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT ♪
♪ MEAT IS MURDER ♪
[DRAMATIC ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ TAKING A LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU DON'T NEED TO ♪
♪ THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS MURDER ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YOUR BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME ♪
♪ IT'S M-U-R-D-E-R ♪
[GUNFIRE]
♪ ANIMALS DO NOT WANT TO DIE ♪
♪ JUST SO THAT HUMANS CAN FRY ♪
♪ THEIR BLOODY, BLOODY CORPSES ♪
♪ MEAT IS MURDER ♪
[GUNSHOT]
♪ CHOKE ON THAT, YOU FAKE-ASS COLONEL ♪
♪ NOW YOU'RE FINGER-LICKIN' DEAD ♪
♪ IF YOU'RE EATING BENIHANA'S ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT TO SMELL YOUR VAGINA ♪
♪ ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MURDER ♪
♪ MURDER ♪
♪ IT'S MURDER ♪
- JA RULE BET ME A GRAND
THAT I COULDN'T GET THAT GUY TO SAY "MURDER" 12 TIMES.