[fake crying]
T: Oh! M: Did that hit you right in the nuts?
T: Yeahahas
[laughter]
M: Ahhh!
M: Ow.. Fuck
M: [gondolier impression] ♪It's a me, Markioso, making pizza♪
M: [gondolier impression] ♪with my friends!♪
All: [gondolier impression] ♪And we love Italy♪
All: [gondolier impression] ♪with our hearts♪
All: [gondolier impression] ♪and our hands♪
All: [gondolier impression] ♪when we make pizza♪
All: [gondolier impression] ♪we make love♪
M: Hi! It's me, Markiplier
M: We spent 10 hours doing this intro and we're just gonna roll with it!
M: Because we just came from I-tal-iano and we're here to share with you the secrets of pizz-ah
M: Which if you didn't know originates from ancient...
M: Estonia.
M: Yes!
M: Estonia
M: Where the history of stone-baked pizza came from
M: If you think back in your family everybody probably has a recipe for pizza
M: But we do not.
M: We are what you call... pizza inept
M: We're pizza 'blind'
M: We don't know...
M: We never knew...
M: We never saw...
M: But we believe that anything is possible
M: and through dreams we can make pizzas come to LIFE!
M: And with me is my friend Tyler
M: "The cheese" Scheid
M: When you think of that creamy delicious melty cheese with oozing suave nature of it...
M: I can't help but think of Tyler...
M: And his chiselled... features
M: And then who among them can even possibly best that
M: ETHAN
M: "The crust" Nestor...
M: Oh yes...
M: The very same as the one who made the pancake so many eons ago...
M: Who knew he was so talented?
M: Who knew he was so handsome?!
M: Who knew?!
M: How tasty he could really be?
M: I did...
M: You wanna k-know. You wanna know why?
[slaps the table]
M: IT'S ME!!
M: Markiplier..
M: "The sausage"
[Ethan laughs]
M: Spit was not required on that one
M: Yes! I know! Shocked as you may be...
M: Back from the dead my sausage shall not be killed!!
M: And I am here to tell you the secrets
M: We may not be able to make pizza on our own, but combined!
M: I think we can unlock the secrets
M: And may the best man make the best pizza
M: Here are the rules
M: We have the ingredients to make the pizza here
M: And we have this easy yeast
M: To allow us not hindered by our blindness..
M: We have three minutes
M: To make the best crust we possibly can.
M: And when that time is done then we shall have to place toppings upon it.
M: And make pizza.
M: Are you ready?!
M: This is so serious!
E: Yeah, yeah, yeah
M: Don't laugh
M: Are you ready?!
T: Of course!
M: Good...
M: Then shall we begin?
M: Three!
M: Two!
M: One!
M: Boop!
M: Ehh...
M: Oh that's so weird...
E: Called yeast...
M: Are those like actual bacteria in there..?
M: No time! Gotta go! [Ethan laughs]
M: Live!
M: Oh, I didn't warm it
M: That's good enough
M: Live!
M: Live!!
M: Live yeast! Live!
M: Ehhh
M: [gondolier impression] ♪Italiano♪
M: [gondolier impression] ♪Etemio♪
M: [gondolier impression] ♪La-da-di-da♪
M: Pweh!
M: Wait, I got this one, I got this one
M: Nailed it!
M: Do a side by side on that one guy doing it!
M: Exactly. Excuse me
E: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
M: As the ancient I-talians used to say..
M: Grunting makes the dough.
M: So you grunt- E: [grunting]
M: Yeah, there you go
M: Why are you trying to make eye contact when you're doing that?
E: [whispers inaudibly]
M: No, only with Tyler...
[moaning]
M: Euheugh
M: Take it! Take it all!
M: Anybody know what movie that's from?
E: Uh, uh, Beauty and the Beast.?
M: No
M: Wrong!
M: [gondolier impression] ♪It's a mio♪
[Ethan laughs]
M: Time?
Kathryn in the background: 10 seconds
M: Oh boy!
[grunting, music speeds up]
M: Dough down!
[Ethan and Mark giggling]
T: [laughing] Oh my God!
M: That's so tiny...
E: I don't know what I did...
[old action-style noise]
M: Ohh!
M: The Italian gods have blessed us!
M: This spread appeared like magic in front of us
M: So, I think what we need to do is
M: W-We need to take the ingredients and we need to put this on our pizza!
E&T: [whispering] Yes, yes
M: Because we've been allowed- we're on the right track!
M: But... how to proceed? We've got so many things. I guess-
M: We all must go our separate ways now
M: Before we do that
M: I wanna... I wanna judge here
M: That's a really nice dough
M: That dough though
E: Fantasic! Not just good, great. T: I'm- I am really
M: I feel like you're trying to hide it, is the thing with the flour
E: I don't know what you're talking about. [laughter]
E: What dough? M: Ah yeah, that's my question.
E: What's this dough that you're referring to?
M: Alright. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna do the toppings.
M: We're gonna - we have free form. This is art. Artistic expression.
M: Wherever we get to do, whatever we need to do, and we'll do that.
M: And then we do that and then that's the way it will be done.
M: Make sense? E: Mhmm
M: Is your pack still on? How's your ass?
E: Oh, I don't know, how's my ass?
M: Oh, you're low on battery! E: Oh no!
M: Oh you're good, how am I?
E and T: Oh, you're good!
M: Yeah. You're about to die.
M: Alright, so, just have at it!
M: Are you gonna even have enough for a pizza?
E: I don't think so. [Mark giggles]
E: You ever make pizza as a kid?
M: Nope. We were too poor. We couldn't afford pizza.
M: We didn't even have an oven!
M: We had what we called "the brick," and it was this thing that we would sit on to heat up.
M: And ya know, it wouldn't get very warm, but at least it would have the comforting feel-
M: My da- [giggles] My-
[sighs]
E: Go for it.
M: The comforting feel of my dad's ass on everything he cooked [laughs]
M: [laughing] I mean that's really what I....
M: Cherished the most about the stone.
M: You know, it was good. It was good.
[laughter]
M: I remember our coming of age when my brother and I were old enough to sit on the stone [laughs]
E: [giggling]
M: The old Fischbach Family tradition. I don't know if any of you guys knew about that one.
M: But yeah, that's what we did.
E: Yeah, I didn't do that.
[laughter]
M: [high pitched] What?
M: You're kidding me!
E: Nah.
M: Aww E: We had an overn
M: [stuttering]
M: That's sad
M: So what I'm doing is I'm-
M: I'm making a physical recreation of the stone
M: From memory, I've created E: [laughing]
M: [laughing]
M: Th-the impression the ass cheeks left on it over-
M: It got worn down E: Mhm.
M: It was- It was like a stoneware cookware
E: Yeah
M: You know. It gets passed down- the flavor
[laughter]
M: You're not supposed to wash it
M: You know what I mean?
E: [giggling] The flavor of your dad's ass?
[laughter]
M: [laughing] You know what I mean Tyler?
E: Robust.
M: Robust
M: Ooh!
E: I can't do that with mine M: Ah!
M: I don't want to do that with mine
M: Oh boy
M: I remember oiling up the stone [giggling]
M: [laughing] For my dad
E: For Papa
[laughter]
E: Late nights I would be there, sitting, oiling the stone
E : [laughing] Father would come down in his robe
[laughter]
M: And then joy would fill cause I knew it was time to eat
[laughter]
M: Anyway-
E: As soon as a single cheeks sat upon that stone
E: I knew it was time
M: Memories you know-
M: Ahhh-
E: Good family dinners-
[laughter]
M: Anyway!
E: Nothing quite like a home cooked meal!
[giggling]
M: You sure your family didn't do that, Tyler? E: [laughing]
M: It seems like Ethan's family suddenly started to do that
[laughter]
M: Oh boy
T: No, but I did decided to do a variation off of the traditional and insert a ricotta stuffed crust
M: [whispering] Present!
E: [whispering] Oh, thank you
M: Ricotta what?
T: Stuffed crust
M: Oh!
M: This feels like making a lunchable
M: Except somehow worse
T: Does your dough look grey?
M: No, man
T: No, I'm looking at Ethan's
M: Ohh, yeah his-
M: Yeah- no, his looks super weird
M: See I'm a simple kind of guy
M: I like very basic ingredients-
Amy off-camera: Don't stick your hand back in that!
M: Oh, yeah. Sure, okay. E: [laughing]
M: I like simple ingredients
M: Simple, traditional pizza ingredients
M: You know, the good stuff
M: The cheese, the sauce,
M: Extra sauce!
M: You know.
M: It's all about bringing the flavour together, you know
M: Wha- If it's- If it ain't broke don't fix it!
E: Mm mm mm
M: Yeah, that's what I always said
M: You want some?
E: Sure! M: Here you go, buddy
E: Thanks
M: You- You're welcome
M: And now-
[giggling]
M: Look, it's an elephant!
M: I can't pick it up
M: Oh god, I should have made it on the pan!
M: Ohhh no, my elephant!
M: Oh no-
M: Dad, what have I done?
E: I'm going for the very controversial-
E: But my favorite kind of pizza:
E: Ham and pineapple.
M: [disgusted noises]
E: And this ham-
E: [laughs] Lemme tell ya-
[laughter]
E: Is fake ham
E: [whispering] Watch
M: Oh, Oh! E: [laughing]
M: Oh my god!
M: Ugggghl!
M: That's trypophobia ham! E: [laughing] Oh, no
E: Ready? Mmm!
E: Yum! M: Uggh!
E: Yum yum yum! M: [disgusted noises]
E: That looks like my pores *laughs*
[laughter]
E: Oh it's every layer!
M: Oh my god!
E: It's every layer!
M: Who thought that was a good idea??
M: Oh my god
M: Hey, Tyler, do you want to share a pan with me?
T: Yes, I will certainly share a pan with you
M: You about done?
E: Uh, yeah! T: I need sauce!
M: Oh, sauce. You got it. Sauced up.
M: Oh, sauce on the- after. Ohhh, interesting.
T: Uh, thi-it's- multi-layer pizza so
T: So what I'm actually gonna do is:
T: There's cheese underneath, stuffed crust-
T:with some pepperoni to add some flavor to the sauce
T: and then I'm also gonna put cheese, pepperoni, and then cheese on top
M: Okay.
M: Now, we're done!
E: Yup!
M: It's like a little bush
[giggling]
M: To emerge from.
M: You know what I mean? You know what I'm sayin'.
M: Alright!
M: I think we're ready to put it in!
E: Mhmm
M: Mmm
M: Oooo
M: Ahhhhh
M: Alright.
M: I think I can slot this one right in there
E: Ooh
M: Yeah, that's the good stuff.
M: Ohh yeah
M: And uhh...
M: Now we wait for the deliciousness of the results.
M: They're gonna be good!
M: It's gonna be good.
M: Here's this thing for ya-
[laughter]
M: Ooh! Fresh!
M: Ahh!
M: Crème fresh!
M: Ohh Ethan, yours looks...
M: Thaaaat.
T: [laughing]
T: Oh, oh M: Ooh~
M: Uh-oh
M: Uh-oh!
M: We had some rising happening!
E: [gasp]
E: No M: No!
M: My dick! [laughter]
M: My precious dick!
M: Oh, no!
M: [screaming]
M: The tip!
M: The boob- oh god!
M: Oh no!
T: Quickly!
E: Quickly! Quickly! M: Ah~
E: Tyler, yours looks really good!
T: Thank you!
M: Hang on! Hang on!
M: Eh- add the boober
M: Oh! It's a shadow of it's former self!
M: Ah! The dick!
M: Oh god!
E and M: Mm.
T: [softly] You broke its heart!
M: I broke its dick!
M: W-Which is the heart!
M: As many people know...
M: That crust is fla-key!
E: [giggling] Yeah it is!
E: I'll make little bites for the whole family! M: [laughing]
T: I-I don't appreciate that I get to cut it after the ham-cheese combo E: Flakey!
M: What? It's not going to spread that much flavor to you!
M: Today, junior!
E: Oh, God M: [grunting]
Amy from back: Je-sus
E: [bad accent] We could've made twelve more pies in this time!
E: Muuah!
M: Is that your Italian?
E: Unfortunately!
M: So, we got our pizzas here and we're ready for judges!
M: Calling all impartial judges!
M: I'm sending a telekinetic burst!
T: [weird noises]
M: No...
M: That was my burst! T: That was my call!
M: No, it's my thing! T: It's my call!
M: I'm doing it!
M: I'm sending a telepathic burst!
M: If you're here and you're hearing this
M: please, come quick, we need your help now!
M: Oh! A: Hi friends.
E: Oh, hello!
K: Hello! M: Hi!
A: The judges. M: It's them..
M: We made pizzas for you.
E: That you get to eat
K: Mm -that's what these are?
M: Yeah they're pizzas!
M: You see? Which one would you like to try first?
M: Or actually- let's d- we're gonna judge on three categories here.
M: Look, the over-all aesthetic
M: The taste
E: Blindfold taste test K&A: [laughing]
M: And the crust-
A: Well yours is gonna taste like pineapple!
E: Mmmm, debatable!
M: Let me get done here!
E: I'm sorry sorry sorry
M: The crust, the overall presentation, and taste.
M: That's what's it gotta be about..
M: Those are the three categories of pizza
M: Mmm, [stuttering] good. So!
A: Start over here with Ethan's
K: Yeah!
A: Cuz I don't want this to be the last thing that I taste [laughter]
K: Should everybody partake?
M: No...
A: Wow. Cheers!
[laughter]
K: 'Flanky'
A: Gotta get some pineapple in here
M: Just to get some moisture in there
[laughter]
E: [laughing] How is she?
A: Flaky!
A: Like a biscuit!
K: M-Yeah
E: Not bad though?
K: No, but we did take those right out of the oven..
[laughter]
M: You burn yourself?
T: Yeah I was wondering
A: Oh my god
A: No, it's just flour in my mouth now
A: I like eating the crusts [giggling]
K: Very flaky
A: It is flaky! It's not quite pizza crust though...
K: No, it's a bit more of a...
K: ...croissant?
K: Right?
A: With some butter it would be good!
K: Yeah! But the integrity of this is...
K...not-existent! [laughter]
E: Kay M: Alright!
M: So! For mine!
M: I pres- I call it...
M: The Broken Heart
K: Mmm
M: Ah! My-my-my cherished memories...
M: ...of pizza as a child...
M: ...now presented to you.
M: Bon appétit A: It does look really good- K: Yeah!
A: Like the crust itself is beautiful
K: Mmhmm M: Thank you!
K: You have the nice burnt cheese-
M: Feed each other!
[giggling]
[laughter]
A: Okay..
A: [incoherent babbling]
[laughter]
K: It's not bad A: It's really not bad!
[giggling]
A: It tastes like pizza
K: Yeah!
A: The crust is a little... it's good!
K: Yeah it's just a little... M: Wait, wha- what?
[laughter]
A: Well, it's a little nothing
K: Yeah!
K: It's very flour-y, that's what it is. It's just very thick and flour-y.
M: Thank you! K: But it's a good sauce to crust ratio...
K: That was lacking
[laughter]
A: I would keep eating that ...I won't but I could.
[laughter]
M: Th-thank you! Th- thank you K: Yeah!
T: So here we have the miniaturised stuffed crust multi-layered pizza pie
K: Mmmhmm
T: For this one...
T: you eat it backwards.
K: Alright
A: It's pretty good! K: Yeah!
A: The crust is a little...
A: ...soft.
K: Yeah, it's definitely- it's got a lot A: It's doughy K: Yeah
A: Like those are flour-y and more dry but this is just doughy
K: Yeah
A: But it's also pretty good! K: Mhmm!
A: I like the- the cheesy crust
K: We did both take second bites of that one
A: Fascinating.
[laughter]
K: The other two got one bite
E: Bu- M: One bite is all you needwith mine
E: Mm! Yeah, same same! A: I kinda like...
M: It looks like you took more than one bite here...
E: One bite is all you should have... if that. M: [laughing]
E: I wanna try it... will you try it? M: I would love to try
A: Yeah okay, let's go for a walk and deliberate
K: Careful, that one will fall out M: Wait, actually- wait
M: You go deliberate, let's judge each others, hang on E: Ok
M: L- Let's just look.
M: The categories are crust, taste, and overall presentation.
M: I gotta say, I bet yours is the tastiest.
E: Yeah
M: Just judging by the two bites they took.
E: [giggling] Which category do I get?
M: I say I win presentation T: I-I think you win presentation
M: I win presentation, like, I think I've got that on lock
E: [laughing] So that leaves me with the crust?
M&T: Nope
M: It's gonna be a tie between you and me for the crust
E: Oooh
T: 'Cause there's- the-the thing.. Yours looks more golden
M: Mmhmm
T: And they said mine was soft
and I think...I think it might be because the amount of sauce?
M: Lemme lemme..let me give this a...alright immana... T: I'm gonna..I'm gonna examine mine as well...
T: Oh that's good
E: Mmmm that is not good...
[laughter]
M: I'll be the judge. I hate pineapple on pizzas though.
T: May I try yours- M: We're already off to a bad start- Go for it!
M: Ah!
[giggling]
M: Ah! Ah!
E: [giggling] A lil- A little dry... M: [snorting]
M: Melt in your mouth goodness right there
T: Yours taste like pizza M: Thank you!
T: Would you like to try? M: Oh yeah!
T: That one lost a lot of cheese, I think it fell off M: That's ok
E: Mmm yeah, this is really good!
M: I think he's got flavour, I think he's got flavour on lock down definitely
M: But if I do say!
M: I like my crust. It's gonna be close though.
M: Judges!
A: Well there are three categories
M: Mmhmm K: Yup!
A: Umm, taste... is gonna go to Mark
M: Yay!
M: Really?!
A & K: Yeah!
M: Ooh! A: It was the most pizza
K: It was the most pizza
A: Second one is... presentation?
K: Yeah? A: ...goes to Mark!
K: Yeah! M: Oh!
K: We really like the heart!
M: Oh thank you! A: It was nice!
A: And it's a nice big pizza as well K: Yeah!
K: And crust?
K: Not too dry, not too wet...
was...Mark's!
M: What!? A: You swept!
K: Yeah!
M: Really?!
A & K: Yeah! K: We really liked it!
M: I swept!
K: Yeah!
E: [quietly] Congratulations...
A: Legitimately K: Yeah!
M: What!?
M: [high pitched] Oh you guys!
M: I thought, I thought for sure you were gonna win taste!
A: No, I would keep eating this one
M: Well, good competition
M: Fwoohh...
M: [laughing] Good try there!
M: Good- Good work all around
E: Yup
M: I'm honored to win this prestegious award
M: I had, such, tough competition with Tyler here
[laughter]
E: [Italian accent] What can I say!
M: You made... I can't even say that you made pizza...
E: No- M: 'Cause I'm not sure about that either
M: But you tried!
E: I tried!
M: You put your heart in this! E: Mhm
M: You wanna try this recipe at home follow him to the letter
M: Someone write down your recipe in the comments below E: Yeah...
M: But anyway, good work all around! Good work!
M: So, thank you everybody so much for watching
and thank you for joining us on this one- adventure
M: Uh, make pizza at home for yourself and show us what you made at home
M: Thanks again everybody for watching
M: And as always, we will see you!
M: In the next video!
M: Buh-bye!!
All: Bye!
[Outro music plays]
Please don't add extra little comment in the subs, Mark has addressed this before and it makes it difficult for those who actually need them to follow along. Thanks.