(Ian) Here's my new love song I wrote.
(Ian strums guitar) I love you! You are so pretty--
(Anthony) SHUT UP!
(anchorman) This just in:
Taylor Swift has released an entire album about her newest breakup.
It's titled, "Anthony, I Hate, Hate, Hate You.
You Suck! You Dirty Sack of Sh*t, Go Die in a Fire!"
This Anthony guy's so stupid! I mean, who would date Taylor Swift
when she's just gonna write a breakup song about them?
Yeah, whoo! This guy's an idiot!
Here's a preview of her first song:
Okay, dude, we're just gonna watch something else.
No! You know I love me some T. Swift!
♪ He was a prince ♪
♪ and I was his queen ♪
♪ love at first sight ♪
♪ if you know what I mean ♪
Dude, this is actually really good!
♪ Screw you, Anthony! ♪
♪ Pants always full of pee ♪
♪ You cried when your goldfish died ♪
♪ like a little pussy ♪
(scoffs) This is dumb.
♪ I remember at the theater where we met ♪
♪ the first time ♪
♪ you ran out of a movie hecka wet ♪
♪ the pants kind ♪
♪ then you asked for a napkin to wipe it up ♪
♪ 'cause you dropped some "water" on the front of your pants ♪
(Taylor Swift) ♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! ♪
♪ Everyone knew the "water" was pee ♪
(Taylor Swift) ♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! ♪
♪ Pissed yourself watching Paranormal Activity ♪
What kind of idiot pees himself during Paranormal Activity?
I barely even cried during that movie.
♪ I knew you were a pussy when I saw you ♪
♪ dancing to my songs ♪
♪ dressed up in my high heels and my thong ♪
♪ with my face tattooed on your butt ♪
♪ Oh! Oh! ♪
♪ What the hell is that on your butt?! ♪
Dude, why are we even watching this?
(narrator) You're now watching Cooking Time with Fanny McGee.
And now we've finally prepared these amazing Hawaiian bread rolls,
which just smell delicious!
(sighs in relief) Thank Jebus! There's no way this station could play any--
What do you think, Taylor?
They remind me of my ex-boyfriend, Anthony and his crappy,
wannabe six pack! In fact, here's my new song I wrote, titled,
"Anthony and His Crappy Wannabe Six Pack".
♪ He thought he had perfect abs ♪
♪ drew them on with a Sharpie ♪
♪ looked like a douchebag ♪
♪ Screw you, Anthony! ♪
♪ cried when your goldfish died ♪
♪ I'd catch him stealing super hero costumes from all the little kids ♪
♪ your naked body ♪
♪ Screw you, Anthony! ♪
♪ wearing all my clothes and dancing to my songs ♪
♪ cutting out the abs ♪
♪ cried when your goldfish died ♪
♪ nasty ♪
♪ little pussy ♪
♪ gave you Hepatitis C ♪
♪ It's pretty much incurable ♪
Dude, this is so weird!
I mean, these songs about this "Anthony" guy
kinda sound like they're about you.
Pfft! No! You know me better than that.
I would never date Taylor Swift.
And if I did, she'd be, like, on her knees,
begging for me to never leave her.
♪ And just in case ♪
(Taylor Swift) ♪ Anthony tries to say it ain't so ♪
♪ I secretly taped ♪
♪ our breakup on video ♪
Please don't break up with me!
I'm on my knees, begging you!
Taylor! You're the love of my life, please--
Is that a f*cking camera?!
Okay! Maybe I briefly dated Taylor Swift one time,
-like, really briefly. Okay? -Seriously?
I would never date Taylor Swift.
I have a little thing called "standards".
♪ One last thing ♪
♪ before I come to an end ♪
♪ I cheated on Anthony ♪
♪ with his amazing best friend ♪
(Taylor Swift) ♪ And the greatest bowl cut hair ♪
(chuckles nervously)
♪ and thighs oh so meaty ♪
♪ he's better than Anthony ♪
♪ and the only one for me ever ♪
-(smooching off screen) -What the hell?!
♪ Sorry, Anthony ♪
♪ but you really do smell like pee ♪
♪ And I'm with Ian now ♪
♪ 'cause his thighs are so meaty ♪
And his butt cheeks are totally firmer than yours.
-Awww! I love you, babes! -And I love you, forever and ever!
Two hours later.
Taylor Swift has just released a new breakup album.
It's called, "Ian is the Worst Boyfriend Ever...
and His Butt Cheeks aren't Even that Firm After All...
They're Kind of Like a Loose Lump of Lard."
(sobbing) I just miss her so fricking much!
Did she really give me Hepatitis C?
Yep!
This just in: If you wanna see
deleted scenes and bloopers from this video--
Get out of here, douchebag!
Click the video on the right!
Oh no! My pee pee! Oh!
And if you wanna get the ultimate breakup medley,
including all the songs from this video, click the album art
with Taylor's rachet hoe face!
Well, I'm just gonna wait here for you to subscribe.
In the meantime, Taylor's gonna list off all the guys she's broken up with.
Let's see...there's Jake, Joe, Zack, Billy, Vince, Taylor, John!
Harry, Larry, Carrie, Beary, Jerry--
[bleep]! There's way too many people to keep track of!
I'm just gonna end the video right now.
♪ Nasty ♪
(laughter on the set)
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