- Why are you insulting me?
- It's a defense mechanism.
I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.
- Oh, well I understand.
In that case, I won't take it personally.
- Thanks, you human mattress.
(audience laughing)
You're too competitive.
It's always been your worst feature.
Actually, your ears are your worst feature.
(audience laughing)
But competitive is right up there!
Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy.
And so are you in anything backless.
(audience laughing)
Oh, Dorothy, can I make a little suggestion
when you go for your make-over?
- Sure. What is it?
- Don't expect a miracle.
(audience laughing)
I've never seen you look so beautiful.
- Aw, thanks, Ma.
- Who's the designer?
He deserves a Nobel Prize for miracles!
(audience laughing)
I don't see Blanche.
- Oh, she said she'd be over
right after her hair appointment.
She wanted to look her best for Charmaine's big day.
- Blanche is handling this a lot better than I would.
I would kill Gloria
if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades.
- You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?
(audience laughing)
- Uh, no.
I can't see myself swinging my hips
and wildly gyrating my pelvis.
I am not interested.
- And the world takes a collective sigh of relief.
(audience laughing)
My daughter may be no spring chicken
and her jaw might crack when she chews...
(audience laughing)
...and she may have noticeable trouble
digesting raw vegetables.
(audience laughing)
But one thing she's not is mental.
- Thanks, Ma.
- I raised her,
and I was the one who got her through that awkward period.
The 50 toughest years of my life!
(audience laughing)
And I knew you'd be special.
- And I didn't disappoint you?
- A little.
(audience laughing)
- Come on, now.
Would it hurt to spend a little time with your daughter?
- That remains to be seen. (audience laughing)
- Strictly hypothetical,
let's say a man wants to take you out on a date.
- Why is it a hypothetical?
- Check your calendar, pussycat.
(audience laughing)
- Now, Ma, remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- I think I crossed that line when I got a date.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Dorothy, a man called for you while you were out.
- Finally.
Now we can break out that bottle of champagne
we've been saving.
(audience laughing)
Arrested for prostitution!
I can't believe it!
(audience laughing)
- Sophia, we're innocent!
- I know that.
I can't believe these dumb cops
would think anyone would pay money to sleep with you.
(audience laughing)
Who are you?
- It's me, Blanche.
- You look like a prostitute.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna have to meet men lying down.
- I thought you did.
(audience laughing)
- I take very good care of myself.
I treat my body like a temple.
- Yeah, open to everyone,
day or night.
(audience laughing)
- Listen, my life is a romance novel.
- Your life is a sports page!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, please!
Everybody says what a giving person I am.
- She's talking about when you're in an upright position.
(audience laughing)
- Why are you insulting me?
- It's a defense mechanism.
I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.
- Oh, well, I understand.
In that case, I won't take it personally.
- Thanks, you human mattress.
(audience laughing)
- [Dorothy] You would have made a very good psychologist.
- Great idea, pussycat.
Give Blanche an office with a couch
and a license to charge by the hour.
(audience laughing)
- Sophia, there's something I don't understand.
Now, you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite,
even downright mean.
That's part of your charm.
- Thank you, you bed-hopping relic.
(audience laughing)
(balloon popping)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, my goodness!
We have company!
(audience laughing)
I was so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.
(audience laughing)
- Don't worry, Blanche.
The dress covers most of it.
(audience laughing)
- We were always so much alike.
And so close.
Just like Siamese twins.
- It's a shame where they separated you.
You got both butts.
(audience laughing)
- Stop it! Stop it!
I cannot stand it anymore!
- You know what I can't stand any more?
That phony accent of yours.
What is this, "Designing Women"?
(audience laughing)
- Hello, Blanche.
How are you?
- You don't have cataracts.
You tell me.
(audience laughing)
- Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress!
(audience laughing)
- Oh!
Why, you miserable old-
- Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.
You know the rules.
When one of you is out with Fidel,
the other one does not interfere.
- My apologies.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath
with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
(audience laughing)
- You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?
(audience laughing)
- Why don't you just kiss and make up?
- Why don't you just blow it out your ditty bag?
(audience laughing)
- I wonder if jewelry comes from Jewish people.
In Little Falls, the jeweler was Jewish.
Jeweler, Jewish.
I wonder if there's a connection?
- I think there's a connection
between your brain and wallpaper paste.
(audience laughing)
Rose, what the hell are you doing?
- I'm making omelets for us without yolks,
so we don't get too much cholesterol.
(audience laughing)
And that leaves us all these yolks,
which I hate to throw out,
so I thought we'd give them to the homeless.
(audience laughing)
- Fine. Give them egg yolks.
They'll die of heart attacks. They won't need homes.
(audience laughing)
Your heart's in the right place, Rose,
but I don't know where the hell your brain is.
(audience laughing)
- Rose Nylund?
- No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy, you're the smart one,
and Blanche, you're the sexy one,
and Sophia, you're the old one, and...
(audience laughing)
I'm the nice one.
Everybody always likes me.
- The old one isn't so crazy about you.
(audience laughing)
You're moving, Rose?
Too bad.
This would be touching if I liked you more.
(audience laughing)
- I know if he got to know me, he'd like me.
- Why?
I got to know you. I don't like you.
(audience laughing)
- You just say that.
- Repeatedly.
(audience laughing)
Go ahead, stand up and say it.
My name is Rose, and I'm an idiot.
(audience laughing)
- You all right, Sophia?
- Why does everyone keep asking me that?
I'm okay. I'm fine.
I don't want to talk about it.
- You know, I saw a lot of this
when I worked at the grief center.
You're angry about Phil's death, and that's normal,
but you shouldn't be angry with Angela.
You know, I think you haven't cried,
because you haven't accepted his death yet.
- Thank you.
I've never been psychoanalyzed by a dipstick before.
(audience laughing)
The man in that box was a bum,
a scoundrel, a cheat, and a liar,
but there was another side to him,
and it was beautiful.
He awakened feelings in me I haven't felt in 35 years.
We used to hug and kiss and hold hands.
And it was, it was nice.
He made me feel attractive and desirable again.
He probably made the rest of you feel that way too.
And looking out at this kennel club,
that was no small accomplishment.
(audience laughing)
- This nectarine is beautiful.
I never saw a more perfect piece of fruit.
- No?
Then try kissing my behind.
(audience laughing)
It's a real peach!
- Hi, it's me, Stan.
- What do you want?
(audience laughing)
- I have a surprise for Dorothy.
- What?
Now that you're off the blood pressure medicine,
it's working again?
(audience laughing)
- Hi Sophia.
Remember me?
Stan's brother, Ted.
I danced with you at their wedding.
- Where were you when they got divorced?
I was looking for someone to dance with then.
(audience laughing)
- Come on in, Stanley.
We were just talking about you.
- I thought I felt my ears burning.
- Maybe that cheap toupee you're wearing retains heat.
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy, baseball was meant to be seen
from the bleachers in small, intimate parks with real grass.
If there's anything I hate it's artificial turf.
- That never stopped you from wearing it on your head.
(audience laughing)
- It's me, Stan.
Wait, let me rephrase that.
It's me, the new Stan.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you notice a difference?
Can't you see the glow?
Can't you see the light radiating off of me?
- Sure.
It's the porch like glaring off your head.
(audience laughing)
- Morning.
(audience laughing)
I guess you ladies didn't recognize me without my toupee.
- I guess that's it.
- Do you mind if I use the phone?
- You already used my daughter.
You didn't ask for my permission.
(audience laughing)
- There's a phone in the living room.
- Thanks.
Hi. - Hi.
Okay, I know what it looks like.
And frankly, that's exactly what it is.
(audience laughing)
- You had to bring him home.
You couldn't find a drunken sailor on a street corner.
(audience laughing)
- Honey, you okay?
- Oh, why do these things keep happening to me?
And why do I let 'em keep happening?
I'm just tired of getting all dressed up,
looking gorgeous, going out,
only to lose out in the end.
On the other hand,
I am dressed up, and I do look gorgeous,
and it is Gringo Night at Hernando's Hacienda.
(audience laughing)
Oh, but I don't think I'll go.
I'm just so vulnerable.
Does anybody know how to say "vulnerable" in Spanish?
(audience laughing)
Oh, never mind.
I'll say it with my eyes.
(audience laughing)
Adios!
(audience laughing)
- I said it before, and I'll say it again.
Sluts just heal quicker.
(audience laughing)