To support is to give assistance
that enable someone in some way.
Humans, as a species
are actually expert in support
It's a big reason why we've even survived
and evolved to that point we have today.
But, humans are also not immune to dysfunction
when it comes to support.
What Kind of Supportive Are You?
When we are young many of us have adults around us
who cannot not see us as individuals
instead, they see us as extensions of themselves.
We are treated as if we exist
to satiate the needs of this adults.
We are trained that there is only one right way
to support and that is whatever support
these adults needed most
Oftentimes the forms of support that we
are intrinsically built for
are either not recognized and valued
or are outright discouraged.
For example,
Let's say that a child is born
with the innate talent of aesthetics
This is a child who could easily rearrange the household
to create a beautiful living environment for the family
but this particular talent
or form of support
is not valued because
let's say that this house belongs
to a single mother
A mother with multiple children
What this mother needs
is for this child
to support the younger siblings.
Care taking is something this child hates to do
This support is given but grudgingly
so as to avoid consequences
This child will begin to feel used
as if they have to give up part of themselves.
If this experience is associated with the idea of support,
they will hate the idea of being in a supportive role.
Dysfunctional relationships
are essentially relationships
where the needs of either party
are met in ways that are detrimental
to one or both parties within the relationship.
Basically a dysfunctional relations can be summed up in the following way
I can't have me and have you too.
In a dysfunctional relationship
people can't figure out how to be in relationships
and keep their own feelings, their own thoughts,
their own needs, their own desires,
their own preferences.
So what classically happens
is that one person in the relationship
just stops giving a crap about the other person
and only has their best interest in mind.
They only think about their own thoughts,
their own feelings, their own needs,
their own preferences
and the other party
completely abandons
their own preferences, their own thoughts,
their own needs, their own desires
for the other person's.
The other person abandons
many of their desires, their needs,
their thoughts, their own feelings,
their own authenticity
but here is the thing.
Both parties in a relationship
are completely, 100% narcissistic
Why?
Because the person
who gives themselves up for the other person
is doing so in order to get their needs met.
So both people are only concerned with themselves.
It's this role within the relationship
that's the most important to understand
because the relationship becomes the following:
I'll meet your needs in these ways
that are detrimental to me and that I don't want to
so that I can get, fill in the blank.
It is negatively transactional in nature
not a healthy exchange.
Just to name a few examples
X may be praise
X might be guarantee of never being left
X might be am opportunity they want.
This person actually only supports the other
in order to get their own needs met
which is manipulative.
So neither person is in an actual real relationship
they're simply focused on getting their needs met.
This style of relationship is so common to the human race
that in fact it is the norm.
But it has done something to us
it has embedded us with the idea that support
innately means
to give yourself up in some way
and because of this
nobody wants to, obviously give up their thoughts
their desires
their feelings, their preferences
their needs
So we equate
loving somebody
or being in a relationship, or supporting someone
with self sacrifice.
Now what we have
is a love- hate relationship with support.
On the one hand we don't wanna be in that role
cause we don't want to give ourselves up
On the other hand
so far its been kind of equated to morality
for us to be in that role where we give ourselves up for somebody else
and we want more than anything to be good.
We want to be good or feel like we`re good people
and be seen as good so badly
that we are tempted to pay that price.
but if we do go ahead and pay that price
there are major consequences.
We never feel good about it
we become resentful
we feel bad towards whatever we're giving ourselves up
in order to give our assistance to.
Those of you who had moms that self sacrificed
in any way to be moms
know exactly how well this turned out.
Now some moms could give their life
completely over to the dedication
to a child's life and well being
and that would be perfectly in alignment for them.
In fact they wouldn't be giving themselves up in any way to do so.
Another mother
that would be completely giving herself up to focus on her children in that way.
The relationship that we have to support has got to change
and it has to change today.
The thing that most people don't know is
that we are all born with the intrinsic capacity
to support each other.
Not only the intrinsic capacity
but also the intense intrinsic drive
to support each other
The variable is about how?
We are trained to think of support
in an incredibly limited way
We are trained to think of support
only in terms of how our parents valued assistance.
We are also trained by society at large
that support is only about
acts of service.
I want you to stop this video right now
and I want you to get out a piece of paper
At the top of that paper
I want you to write the word 'support'
and under that I want you to make a list of all the things
that you associate with that word.
Some examples of things that could end up on the paper might be
the image of someone cheering from the stand of a football game
Drudgery, the feeling of doing things you don't want to do.
The memory of rubbing someone's feet, taking care of someone sick
Exhaustion, the awesome feeling of being needed etc.etc.
Allow yourself to make a list
that is completely unique to you
and be completely brutally honest
Some of us have a better relationship with support
and so we'll see predominantly positive things
but the majority of people have a negative association with support
and so they will predominantly have a list of negative things.
The majority of us want support
but we don't actually want to support other people
because of this association we have with support and giving ourselves up.
When you're done with that list turn this video back on.
Think about this
To support someone is to give assistance
that enable someone in some way
Do you know how many types of support there are?
What you have to find
is the way that you like doing that
You need to find the ways that doing that feels
not like you're giving yourself up
but like you are so happy doing it
that the doing of it seems to fill you up somehow
or meet your needs.
The happiest types of relationships
are relationships between people
who have a compatibility between
the type of support they love giving
and intrinsically naturally give
and the support that is, needed on the other end.
The most miserable types of relationships
is where there is incompatibility
in terms of the type of support that someone needs
and the type that their partner
or the other person intrinsically gives
The first is a win-win scenario
The second is a win-lose scenario
but what do we know about relationships?
Any time we're in a win- lose scenario in a relationship
it negates the relationship.
So it really becomes a lose-lose
It is critical to look for compatibility
in terms of the type of support
that you need and the other person in the relationship gives
and vice versa
It's really important to know that you can't force another person
to value your intrinsic type of support
any more than you can force yourself
to not need some type of support
that you need
You can't force someone to value the type of intrinsic support
that you give
any more than you can force
yourself to love giving a type of support
that you don't like giving.
I'll give you an example
My favorite form of support
is to give my creative achievements to other people
The most obvious way this is manifesting is
that I give my creative achievements
to people in the form of these videos every week
and people use them to transform their lives.
I could do this form of support forever
it doesn't really feel like support
and I'm not giving anything away. I love doing this.
And its obvious that people all over the world
absolutely love this form of support
However there are some people
that want a different type of support from me
What they're missing out on
is the feeling of being nurtured by their mothers
and so they show up at my events
and they show up at my workshops all the time
wanting that type of nurturing
mother type behavior from me
This is little bit like looking
to a surgeon to be a nurse
Obviously
they're gonna be grossly disappointed
cause that's not a form of support I enjoy giving
and I don't give it.
When I don't give it
they're are disappointed
and even really mad about it
Just to make this make more sense
Some other forms of support
that are completely intrinsic to me
and that are in no way giving myself away
in order to support people
are the following
Cooking for people, giving gifts,
making people laugh,
giving intense levels of intimacy,
spending quality time with people
where I'm completely present,
giving people new experiences
and even financially paying for them
to have those experiences,
creating art that enriches people's life,
creating beauty and energetic balance
in peoples living environments,
helping people to become completely aware,
assisting peoples physical health
especially by making things
that add to their health
like teas and tinctures,
I also love leading
and I love initiating.
To understand the flipside
let's take a look at
some forms of support
that do not come intrinsic to me
and more than that, that I dislike.
Physical nurturing and care taking,
affirming others,
organizing and planning,
dedicating myself on an ongoing basis
to another persons success
in the way that a manager or agent,
or housewife, or coach
or stay at home mom would,
acts of service like doing someone's laundry
or helping them move,
If you take a close look at the support that I myself need
it's the exact support
that I don't like giving.
To find compatibility
in my relationships
I have to find somebody
whose intrinsic drive
is in the direction of those forms of support
that I myself don't like giving
and somebody who what they need
is my intrinsic forms of support
Remember that just because
you hate giving support in some way
doesn't mean there won't be somebody who's super psyched
to give it in that way
In other words, just because
your mother told you every day
'I am not your slave'
doesn't mean someone won't love to make you dinner
Discover the ways
that you intrinsically give support
and discover
what ways you need support
then seek out the people
who would need value and love
the ways that you intrinsically support others
and seek out the people
who intrinsically need and love and value
supporting you
in the way you need to be supported.
Have a good week :)
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com