What is self-respect and why is it important? There's probably some
surprising reasons why you've got to get on top of this. Are you disrespectful to
others? Are you a bully to others? Are you mean and cruel to others? Are you
critical harsh and demanding toward others? Are you unforgiving to others?
Hopefully as I walk you through these things, you're like, "No, no. I'm... I'm kind
and compassionate and loving and forgiving to others." Right. What would
give you the right to be any of these mean, cruel, harsh things toward anyone?
It's clear to see how this applies to other people but are we doing this to
ourselves? You've probably heard the word hypocrite. I went and looked it up. Check
this out. Hypocrite: A person who pretends to have
virtues moral or religious beliefs principles etc that he or she does not
actually possess. Especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs. I had
to look that up because honestly, if we are being mean to anyone and professing
to be a kind person, then we are a hypocrite. We're pretending to be nice.
It's easy to be nice and compassionate and forgiving toward other people. If
we're being unforgiving and mean and cruel and harsh to ourselves, that
probably means that we're being a hypocrite. We're pretending to be nice
but then we're secretly beating up on someone. This is a little surprising to a
lot of people. Because you'd think that self respect is all about "me",
right? Yourself. No! It's about how you treat people.
All people. And let's just bend in the hypocrisy for a minute and see if we're
doing these things to our self and professing to be a kind person then
we're being a hypocrite. Years ago, I had the opportunity to run some groups in a
juvenile detention facility in Oregon. This was during my clinical internship.
And as I was meeting with these kids. Now, remember these kids are in a facility
that the court sent them to, alright? They've all been sentenced basically to
this institution. And as I'm running a group with these kids, there's this
15-year-old over in the corner. He's got his hat on backwards and he's like,
leaning back in his chair and he's got this attitude going on. We were talking
about respect. And he said this. He said, "I respect those who respect me." And I'm
like, "Wow! That's impressive." Right? How hard is that to respect people who
respect you? Here's the challenge. Respect those who are mean to you, who are cruel
to you. Respect everyone. Why? Because you're a respectful person. We don't
discriminate and pick and choose someone to be disrespectful toward. Either you're
a respectful person or you're not. That became so obvious as we were having that
group meeting. Don't tell yourself you're a respectful person while you're
secretly or even openly bullying or persecuting or abusing someone. Even if
that someone is you. Here's another perspective you may not have thought of:
How would you feel if you knew that someone were secretly beating up someone
that you loved dearly? Think of how your loved ones would feel. If they knew that
someone were secretly bullying or beating you up. This is a terrible
dilemma to put others in. Sometimes we think that
all of this self-loathing that's going on affects only us. It doesn't. It affects
everyone who loves you. And if they knew that someone were treating you that way,
how would they feel toward that person? This is a huge dilemma because they love
you but what if it's you that's beating you up? Do you see the dilemma? Let's stop
doing that to our loved ones. We deserve better. Now, you might be wondering, "Well,
how do I do that? How do I start being nicer to myself?" You know, I did another
video here on the channel. How To Forgive Yourself And Learn From Your Mistakes."
You can link to it right up there. You'll get some other good ideas about how to
implement what we're talking about here as you watch that video. The short
version is we've got to let go of our destructive pride. I know. It doesn't seem
like pride to beat yourself up. It feels like abject humility. No. Its destructive
pride because you're singling out one person to bully or intimidate. And just
because that person is you, doesn't give you a right to act that way and to treat
anyone that way. When we let go of that destructive pride and we accept humility,
which suggests that "I'm not a special case. I deserve all of the same respect
that anyone else would deserve", I can be treated the same way I'm willing to
treat other people. See, that's a humble approach. And that's going to feel just a
little backwards to you perhaps right at first. Try it on. See how that feels as
you learn to forgive yourself. I've introduced a few dilemmas to you in this
particular video. As you wrap your head around this, let me be a more consistent
part of your team. Click on the positive personal development playlist here on
the channel. There's also one about positive relationship resources. You're
going to find hours of videos there that will help to give you more ideas about
how to get on top of this. I'm happy to be on your team.