It's almost autumn, and you know what that means.
The air is getting crisper.
I am preparing to eat a dump truck
full of apple cider donuts.
And Brett Kavanaugh is in the news
for allegedly putting his penis in a place it wasn't invited.
In case you forgot--
and honestly, who could blame you for trying to-- this time
last year, Republicans fast-tracked this poison ivy
leaguer to the Supreme Court, despite credible accusations
of sexual assault. According to new information laid out
in the "Education of Brett Kavanaugh,"
written by "New York Times" reporters
Robin Pogrebin and Kate Kelly, it turns out the Senate and FBI
didn't dot their Is, or cross or Ts, or give a shit
about a thorough investigation.
Serious questions are being raised
about the FBI investigation into Supreme
Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
Brett Kavanaugh could have stood up and said,
my integrity's so important, the integrity of the Supreme Court
is so important, I demand the FBI
complete a full and exhaustive investigation.
Instead, he allowed the White House to curtail the FBI so
that they only interviewed 10 people,
and they didn't look into other possible allegations,
and now here we are.
On one hand, investigations aren't really
the Senate's strong suit.
It's why they never cracked the case of,
who keeps shitting in Tom Cotton's briefcase?
But the FBI is supposed to be much better at it.
One of the most frustrating parts of the book
is when it explains how one of Kavanaugh's accusers,
Deborah Ramirez, also had a credible accusation
but it was not thoroughly investigated by the FBI.
Thanks to White House and Senate limits,
the Bureau mostly focused on Christine
Blasey Ford's allegation.
But Deborah Ramirez's claim that Kavanaugh "thrust his penis
in her face at a dorm party" at Yale
turns out to be highly credible.
Ramirez offered up at least 25 potential corroborating
witnesses, and the FBI didn't speak to any of them.
Some of them even reached out to the FBI to offer statements
and the FBI didn't call them back.
Even worse, this was their voicemail.
[BEEP]
Kelly and Pogrebin found at least seven people
who heard about Kavanaugh exposing his gross downstairs
to Ramirez long before he exposed his gross upstairs
to the rest of us.
The journalists also uncovered another allegation
about a different classmate.
The details of this allegation are that a male fellow student
at Yale came forward during the confirmation process and said
that as a student, he had seen Brett Kavanaugh, drunk,
expose himself at a party to another woman, and force--
and I apologize for this description--
his genitalia upon her.
First off, this fucking sucks.
Secondly, you're the news.
Just say penis.
Why are you saying genitalia?
That sounds like 20 dicks.
It sounds like a rat king of dicks.
In fact, everyone seems to be skirting around the word.
Shoving his genitalia--
--his genitals--
--Brett Kavanaugh's private parts--
His crotch.
No, don't say crotch.
I'm sorry, that just sounds wet.
Meanwhile, always the before photo, Ted Cruz
had this inspirational piece of advice.
The American people heard it.
And at the end of the day, the American people made a judgment
that the evidence wasn't there, the corroboration wasn't there.
At some point, they just have to let the anger go.
Oh, should-- should I-- should I let the anger go?
Should I calm down?
Should I smile more?
OK.
Shut the fuck up, bitch.
The American people didn't get to make a judgment on this.
The Senate did, and they decided not
to do a proper investigation.
So yeah, as long as an alleged sexual assaulter
is ruling on laws about my body, I remain vexed.
It is clear that Republicans still
don't care how hard it is to come forward about this stuff.
This new allegation wasn't brought forward by the alleged
victim, but by a witness.
According to the book, the woman declined to be interviewed,
and her friends say she doesn't remember it happening,
information which "The New York Times" initially left
out of its published article.
They later added it in an editor's note,
but leaving out that detail, as well as
their godawful tweet sharing the story,
were huge fuckups by "The New York Times."
This is a bigger fuckup than when
Will Shortz used his own email password as a clue
for the crossword.
The new corroborations of Ramirez's account make her
allegations more credible than ever,
but "The New York Times'" fuckups created a way for Fox
News to deflect, focusing on editorial errors
instead of the information.
Bombshell correction overnight by guess who?
"The New York Times."
Walking back its report, or clarifying,
an accusation of sexual misconduct against Supreme
Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
The correction says the so-called
victim has no recollection of the decades-old incident.
So the victim doesn't remember--
Interesting that "Fox and Friends"
believes the victim who doesn't remember
but not the ones who do.
Though to be fair, I can't recall "Fox and Friends"
ever doing anything in good faith, or anything good
at all, except that one time Tucker
Carlson fell asleep on air.
He's really asleep.
I don't think we're being good co-hosts right now.
[LAUGHTER]
[INAUDIBLE]
Mm.
Good to see you.
Welcome to "Fox and Friends."
I've always wondered how Tucker Carlson sleeps, and
the answer is, on television.
It's weird and depressing to realize it's been nearly a year
since Kavanaugh was confirmed.
And it's horrible to see, even if stronger evidence
against him continues to come out,
that his allies will keep brushing it away
like it's a housefly.
I'm just kidding.
Ted Cruz doesn't shoo away house flies.
Yum.