- Hello, everyone,
and welcome to Wife School.
Wow, so many of you are right on time.
- Yeah, you do not need to do that.
15 minutes late is the new normal.
- And that's our first lesson right off the bat girls.
Getting ready for date night plans?
- Let him wait in the sedan.
- Let him wait.
- Yes. You need time to prepare.
You're a prime piece of meat, not a fast food patty.
- You show up tardy to the party
and you never say sorry.
- Tardy to the party - Tardy to the party
- and you never say sorry. - and you never say sorry.
- Tardy to the party - Tardy to the party
- and you never say sorry. - and you never say sorry.
Okay, ladies, now I see a lot
of you brought your coffee from home.
- No, what?
- No.
- No, you'll know the Starbucks staff by name.
- $6 Coffees are your new normal.
You are an artist
and the Starbucks drive-through is your canvas.
- I'll take a venti double shot upside down
London fog two pumps hazelnut,
make it dirty girl, 'cause I'm a dirty girl.
- I'm so caffeinated girls, let's keep going.
- Okay, now that we've got our coffee orders in,
let's talk attire.
- Are you wearing heels
and skinny jeans?
Oh no. It's comfy clothes time.
- Thongs, bye-bye.
- Pop. Once you get the ring,
you can lose the string. - You can lose the string.
Angelica, write it down.
- Yoga pants.
This is your world now, this is all you need.
- Hike 'em up.
- Yes, 1" for every year you're married.
- Higher.
♪ Give me a higher waist ♪
Higher girl.
Do you actually ever go to yoga? Not really.
But we pay the $800 a month for it.
- Yes, it's there
when you need it, girls. - Right.
- Just like the coffee subscription
that I subscribed to
and never use.
- Well, how could you? We go to Starbucks every morning.
Now you're getting it, now you're getting it.
- Alright let's talk home.
Home is where the heart is. False.
- It's where the money is.
- Granite countertop.
- Stainless steel.
- Walk-in pantry.
- Cute front porch.
- Littered
with Amazon packages. - Yes.
- You should order so much
that you don't even know what's out there.
- Oh, I did order that, didn't I?
- Oh, oh.
♪ Oops I ordered again ♪ ♪ Oops I ordered again ♪
♪ don't know what it is ♪
♪ Oh what could it be ♪ ♪ Oh what could it be ♪
♪ Oh Bezos Bezos ♪ ♪ Oh Bezos Bezos ♪
- See? Learning can be fun.
Can I just take five real quick to say,
thank you so much for listening so intently to us.
- Yeah, we're not used to that.
- No, we're not.
- Thank you. Love you. - Thank you.
And we notice.
Ladies it's time we talk about the bedroom.
- Ooh.
Now ladies, remember in marriage,
the bedroom is like Burger King.
Have it your way. - Have it your way.
- If you're not in the mood,
always refer to the THP system.
"T", - I'm tired.
- "H", - I have a headache.
- "P". - I'm on my period.
- Even if you're not, he's not even gonna check.
- Yeah, he can't even remember trash day,
let alone your monthly cycle.
- What was that Jenna?
You said you want babies, but he's not ready?
Yoga pants.
- They're so weak.
- They're so weak. They can't resist.
- Refer to the graph of wrath.
- You'll see here as the tightness of your pants increases,
so does your power.
You wanna be right here, so he can be right there.
- Mmm, bingo. - Shake it girl,
shake it.
Baby number five,
baby number five. - Baby number five.
- That brings us to our next topic, how to win fights
and influence husbands.
- What do you do? Do you argue with him?
- No, no.
- Let the water works begin, girls.
Sometimes for no reason at all.
- He can't fight with you if you're crying.
- Upset about your tears
and moans?
He don't know- - He don't know-
your hormones. - your hormones.
And if the argument continues, remember the acronym, FEM.
- Yes, three topics that he cannot defend.
- Feminism, enneagrams, masculinity.
- So toxic.
- Oh so toxic.
- It's so toxic- - I can't, I can't even-
- It's so toxic. - It's, I can't even.
- It's so toxic.
Gosh, the truck. - Oh, the power tool.
- Red meat
and football-
All right, ladies,
that is the end of the class.
Oh my gosh. It was so much fun.
- So fun. Study up for the big test coming up.
But let's be real, we're giving you all A's.
- Yes, you know why?
- You're always right. - You're always right.
Yes,
and we will be grading on a curve,
'cause y'all are curvy.
- Mmm, yeah you are. - And flaunt it.
And flaunt it.
♪ Give me a higher waist ♪
See you all next week.
- Oh girl, I need to do more Jazzercise.
- Oh my gosh, we should totally go do yoga.
- No. - Yeah no, let's go.
Coffee?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I think I have a-
oh the amazon package came!
- Oh what is it? - Who knows?
I have no idea.
(upbeat rock melody rings out)
- [Baby] Da dude da dude da dude.
(tone beeps)
We notice.
Yes, it doesn't not go without noticed.
(everyone laughing)
What if we had twins?
- Mmm. - Oh.
- Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it.
- Shake it for twins.
Shake it for twins.
(crew laughing)