WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS FRIDAY.
IT IS FRIDAY, MY FRIENDS.
IT IS FRIDAY FOR YOU OUT THERE WATCHING AT HOME.
BUT I'M GOING TO PULL BACK THE SHOWBIZ CURTAIN AND LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET: I'M TAPING THIS ON THURSDAY NIGHT.
AND LET ME TELL YOU: THURSDAY IS A GREAT PLACE TO BE RIGHT NOW,
BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED IN THE SENATE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL TOMORROW.
MAYBE MITCH McCONNELL SUCCESSFULLY KILLED THE VOTE TO
CALL THE WITNESSES.
MAYBE MITCH McCONNELL SUCCESSFULLY KILLED THE
WITNESSES.
I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE I'M BACK HERE ON THURSDAY, AND THE
WATER'S FINE.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, SO IS THE BOURBON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
OH!
OOO!
FRIDAY ME IS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH SOME OF THE BAD
CHOICES MADE BY THURSDAY DADDY.
DON'T GO FAR WITH THAT.
NOW, WHILE I'M HERE IN THE BLISSFUL BEFORE-TIMES, YOU'RE
ALL LIVING IN THE IMPEACHMENT AFTER-SCAPE, AND FOR THAT, I
SALUTE YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING TALL.
OR LYING IN BED EATING HANDFULS OF PASTA OFF YOUR CHEST.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH YOU.
OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I'M NOT OF NOT WITH YOU.
NOW, THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE FOR YOU FRIDAY PEOPLE, IN THE
FORM OF BREXIT.
BECAUSE THE U.K. FORMALLY LEFT THE E.U. TODAY.
NOT THE BEST NEWS FOR BRITAIN, BUT IT DOES MEAN THERE'S AN
OPENING IN THE E.U.
TAKE US!
WE CAN BE EUROPEAN!
I PROMISE, WE CAN DO IT.
I CAN GIVE IT A SHOT.
HOW HARD CAN IT BE!
WE'LL GIVE WINE TO OUR KIDS AND LEARN HOW TO USE THOSE TOILETS
WITH THE WEIRD SHELF IN IT.
I'LL KISS ON BOTH CHEEKS.
I'LL WEAR NUT HUGGER JEANS.
THESE DAYS MOST JEANS NUT HUGGER FOR ME.
( LAUGHTER )
CONSUMED BY THE FALL-OUT FROM TRUMP'S UKRAINE SCHEME, TRUMP
HAS STILL FOUND TIME FOR OTHER STUPID IDEAS, BECAUSE HE
RECENTLY REVEALED THE OFFICIAL LOGO FOR SPACE FORCE, WHICH
BEARS A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO THE "STARFLEET LOGO FROM "STAR
TREK."
IT'S LIKE SPACE FORCE SAW THE "STARFLEET" LOGO AND SAID:
>> MAKE IT SUCK.
>> Stephen: SPACE FORCE, HOW DARE YOU RECYCLE A BELOVED
"STAR TREK" PROPERTY FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES.
WHICH REMINDS ME, WATCH "STAR TREK: PICARD," ONLY
ON CBS ALL ACCESS.
CBS ALL ACCESS: ENJOY THE GO.
BUT THE LOGO WASN'T SPACE FORCE'S ONLY BIG LAUNCH.
JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, THEY UNVEILED THEIR STATE-OF-THE-ART
NEW SPACE UNIFORMS.
PREPARE YOUR EARTHLING MINDS FOR SPACE CAMO!
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: "IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU
SCREAM, BUT WE CAN ALL SEE YOU COMING. BECAUSE CAMO DOESN'T
WORK UP THERE."
AGAIN, LET ME REITERATE WHAT OUR SITUATION IS RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW IF TRUMP WAS ACQUITTED.
I DON'T.
BUT I DO KNOW THIS: YESTERDAY, A BIG CHUNK OF HIS BORDER WALL
FELL OVER AND LANDED ON THE MEXICAN SIDE.
OH, THAT'S GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD PHONE CALL FOR TRUMP.
( AS TRUMP )
REMEMBER WHEN I CALLED YOU MURDERERS AND DRUG DEALERS AND
RAPISTS?
YEAH, GOOD TIMES.
ANY-HOOSKI, CAN I HAVE MY WALL BACK?
HELLO?
IT'S JUST A FINGER?
OKAY."
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE THE CONCRETE IN THE FOUNDATION HAD NOT YET CURED
SO THE PANELS WERE UNABLE TO WITHSTAND THE WINDY CONDITIONS.
YES, HOW COULD ANYONE HAVE PREDICTED THAT THERE WOULD BE
WIND IN A DESERT?
( LAUGHTER )
WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS WHOLE PROJECT?
>> I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WIND.
>> Stephen: YES, AND IT'S NOT THE FIRST BATTLE TRUMP HAS LOST
TO WIND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT ELSE IS COMING UP.
THE IOWA CAUCUSES ARE ON MONDAY, AND IT'S HARD TO PREDICT WHAT
MAKES THE DIFFERENCE FOR ANY PARLIAMENT CANDIDATE, ANY
PARTICULAR YEAR.
THINGS CAN GET WEIRD, AS ONE CAUCUS-GOER EXPLAINED TO NPR
YESTERDAY MORNING ON THAT MORNING'S "MORNING EDITION."
>> IN THE PAST, THIS HAS BEEN DECIDED BY COOKIES.
I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.
WE'VE HAD CAMPAIGNS WIN PEOPLE OVER BY BRINGING IN A DOZEN
COOKIES AND GIVING THEM AWAY AND SAYING, "COME OVER TO OUR
CAMP AND HAVE SOME COOKIES!" >> Stephen: NOW, I WAS A LITTLE
SKEPTICAL ABOUT THAT.
LUCKILY, WE HAVE A TYPICAL IOWA VOTER ON THE LINE RIGHT NOW.
SIR, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A CANDIDATE?
>> COOKIE!
NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM!
AHHHH.
BYE-BYE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
THAT'S-- THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN THE REST OF THE
DEMOCRATIC RACE IN TONIGHT'S: >> YOU, OFF THE BOARD OR I'LL
COME UP AND DRAG YOU OFF.
( HORN BEEPING ).
>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
>> FRANKLY, THEY'RE CRAZY.
"FURY ROAD: TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CONTENDER NOT EVEN RUNNING IN IOWA.
FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND MELANCHOLY DAD IN A WES ANDERSON
MOVIE, MIKE BLOOMBERG.
THIS WEEK, MAYOR BLOOMBERG MET WITH VOTERS IN BURLINGTON,
VERMONT, AND SHOOK A DOG'S FACE.
NO!
BAD BILLIONAIRE!
BAD!
DOWN, MIKE, DOWN!
THE DOG ACTUALLY SEEMED TO LIKE IT.
SO NOW BLOOMBERG DOES THE SAME THING WITH ALL THE BABY HE
MEETS.
ONE GUY WHO IS RUNNING IN IOWA IS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN
OVERLY IMPRESSED BY SWIRL TECHNOLOGY, JOE BIDEN.
BIDEN WAS CAMPAIGNING TUESDAY IN CLINTON, IOWA, AS CBS'
ED O'KEEFE REPORTS.
>> ONE OTHER CANDIDATE JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT, WHILE NOT COMPETING HERE IN IOWA, FORMER MAYOR
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS NOW PLACING FOURTH IN NATIONAL POLLS IN A
LITTLE MORE THAN A MONTH WHEN HE FIRST APPEARS ON BALLOTS ON
SUPER TUESDAY.
NORA.
>> IT LOOK LIKE JOE BIDEN IS ABOUT TO APPROACH YOU THERE.
ALL RIGHT, ED, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE LIVE ON THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
>> WELCOME TO THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, NORAH.
>> ALL RIGHT, ED.
WHAT A MOMENT.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR JOE.
GOOD FOR YOU, SIR.
IT'S HIS RALLY, AND ED WAS TALKING PRETTY LOUD.
( AS REPORTER )
MERE FEET-- INCHES REALLY-- FROM THE OLD MAN BEHIND ME, THE
CROWD DESPERATELY TRYING TO DISCERN WHAT ON EARTH HE'S
SAYING OVER THE SOUND OF MY BOOMING VOICE.
I'VE GOT NOTHING MORE TO SAY, BUT LET ME JUST END WITH
I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN
YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN
NORAH?" THERE'S ALSO BIG NEWS FROM THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL OF MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN, SEEN
HERE REACTING TO A QUESTION ABOUT BANKING REGULATION.
( LAUGHTER )
DURING THE SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, WHICH IS TOUGH, BECAUSE
THE IOWA CAUCUS IS ON MONDAY.
SO INSTEAD, WARREN'S DOG IS CAMPAIGNING FOR HER WHILE
SHE'S STUCK IN WASHINGTON.
OH, COME ON!
REALLY?
A DOG ?
THAT'S JUST BLATANTLY EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE TO...
OH, MY GAWWWD!
HE'S SO CUTE!
WHO WANTS A PROGRESSIVE WEALTH TAX?
YOU DO!
YES, YOU DO!
( LAUGHTER )
RETRIEVER, OF COURSE, BAILEY, AND REST ASSURED: IF YOU DROP A
PIECE OF FOOD ON THE GROUND, HE'S GOT A PLAN FOR THAT.
STILL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE FUN IF WARREN HAD STAYED ON THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL AND SENT BAILEY TO THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
( APPLAUSE ) ( AS ROBERTS )
"WE HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION FROM THE GALLERY.
THE SENATOR FROM MASSACHUSETTS ASKS, 'AM I A GOOD BOY?
AM I A REALLY GOOD BOY?
I'M SORRY.
THIS QUESTION IS ACTUALLY FROM LINDSEY GRAHAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'S BEING CHAPERONED BY WARREN'S HUSBAND, BRUCE MANN,
WHO REALLY SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS NAMED BY BAILEY.
"THIS IS MY OWNER, BRUCE-MAN.
HE HAS FOOD HAND, LIKE MY MOM, LIZ-WOMAN.
I LOVE HIM!
AND I LOVE YOU!
SALT!
SQUIRREL!" WOW, A LONG BUS RIDE AND BAILEY
DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO PEE.
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR SOME OF THE OTHER DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATES.
( AS BERNIE )
GONNA GO OVER THERE AND REDISTRIBUTE MY COFFEE INTO THAT
BUSH."
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU FOR APPLAUDING MY BLADDER!"
DOWN IN IOWA, CAMPAIGN ORGANIZERS HAVE MADE SOME
ADJUSTMENTS FOR BAILEY.
AT ONE STOP, THERE WERE "WARREN" SIGNS HANGING KNEE HIGH ON THE
WALLS, A HEIGHT STRATEGICALLY PLACED FOR SELFIES TAKEN
SQUATTING NEXT TO BAILEY, ALONG WITH FOUR FOLDING CHAIRS AND A
FEW OLD ANTIQUE LAMPS.
THAT IS MY FIRST THOUGHT WHENEVER I HEAR A BIG DOG IS
COMING OVER.
"BRING OUT THE ANTIQUE LAMPS.
NOW, YOU START A JIGSAW PUZZLE ON THE FLOOR, AND I'LL GO GET
THE FABERGE EGGS."
BUT SINCE BAILEY'S NEW TO THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, I JUST WANT TO
GIVE HIM ONE PIECE OF ADVICE: STAY AWAY FROM MIKE BLOOMBERG!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, EVERYBODY.
EDIE FALCO IS HERE!