[SUGAR RAY'S "EVERY MORNING" PLAYING]
I am not looking forward to yearbook pictures tomorrow.
Every time I try to smile naturally,
I always end up doing this:
Come on, you're so photogenic.
Just make sure you show off your puka shells.
Hey, you know our senior quotes are due tomorrow, right?
Yeah. You remember our plan?
You still down to pick quotes for each other?
Actually, I think I found you one.
"We love the things we love for what they are."
Yeah.
I actually think I got one for you too.
"You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take."
Wayne Gretzky.
I like that.
And I think future Peter will like that too.
Okay, I'm done with my profile. What do you think?
All right, let me see.
Really?
"I take the road less traveled."
I do.
Why won't you take my suggestion?
It's like, gold.
Jo-wanna?
Yes. Jo-wanna date me?
Come on.
So bad.
Jo-wanna go get some sushi?
Jo-wanna get with me?
Jo-wanna go to the movie--
[♪♪♪]
PETER: So you're done yet?
I'm not sure if it's ready.
Let me see.
Uh, here's your tip.
You don't wanna say you're DTF in your profile.
Why? Chloe said it means "Down To Flirt."
Being out of the country for seven years
has left you a little behind on the current lingo.
Whatever. You done with your profile yet?
No, I've been checking my fantasy league.
Are you serious? Peter, like--
We're supposed to do this together.
No, no, no, I want to. I...
just wanna meet someone in real life.
All right, well, I'm going live.
Ooh. Ready?
Wait. I feel really nervous.
Why am I nervous?
Okay.
[BEEPS]
Chloe made it seem like people start messaging you,
like, right away, but...
Did you press the right button?
Uh-- Hey, hey, it's okay. It's...
[CELL PHONE BEEPING]
[BEEPING MORE RAPIDLY]
Oh, you know, I'll just...
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
Ah.
What, what?
You-- Hey!
You don't wanna do apps.
You don't get to play this game.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, wow.
All right. Well, I guess I'll leave you to it.
Happy swipin'.
Wow. Hello. Yes.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Man, I don't get you.
First, you make a pact with a girl not to date her.
Now you're telling me you don't wanna use dating apps?
I met all my girlfriends in real life.
Nobody does things IRL anymore.
Okay? That's why the term IRL exists.
Are you gonna help me out or not?
Yeah, I'm coming with the sniper. Go for the top.
Oh!
Man, you're asking me to do
something I haven't done since '07.
A time when phones were just phones.
Psh-- Are you scared?
[SCOFFS]
Okay.
Okay? Good techniques are timeless.
You know what, I'm gonna take care of you.
I'll take you to the spot.
It's got really good music, sexy bodies,
and it's members only.
Look, Peter,
You wanted off-app? This is off-app.
Let's go get some ladies. Heh, heh?
All right.
Why am I unpacking your things again?
Because I'm grading papers and shaping young minds,
and you're a very kind big sister.
[GROANS]
I hate this.
I feel so superficial.
All dating's a little superficial.
Yeah, but at a bar, you just...
kind of gaze past someone if you're not interested.
Here, I'm literally just swiping them away.
These are real people,
and I'm just treating them like they're disposable.
They are disposable. They're disposable humans.
Joanna, dating is a numbers game, okay?
You need to meet a lot of guys in order to find the right one.
Would you sample just one flavor at Froyo Life?
Absolutely not. You're gonna try 'em all,
and you're not gonna worry about
whether or not you're hurting boysenberry's feelings, okay?
Boysenberry should know that it's not for everyone.
CHLOE: Do you?
'Cause Ryan is more like a... a plain tart.
Yeah, a tart with strawberries.
And mochi.
Joanna, you just moved back.
Why are you suddenly so anxious to find a date?
Did she not tell you about the pact?
What pact?
Oh, my God. Is this the high school pact
where you have to get married by the time you're 30?
Okay, yes, but... it's gonna be good.
Okay, it's just to help push us to get back out there.
You realize most people just date
without promising to marry a friend?
Oh, my gosh, Mark will not take a hint.
I'm clearly trying to ghost him,
and why can't he just accept that and move on?
I'm sorry, "ghost him"?
"Ghosting" is when you cease all contact. You just disappear.
It's moments like these that I'm so grateful to be married
and I don't have to deal with that stuff anymore.
You must miss it, like, a little bit, though, right?
The only drama I need or want in my life
is handcrafted by Shonda Rhimes.
On that note, some people need some flowers.
Bye.
See you later.
Okay, give me this.
Whoa, whoa. What-- What are you doing?
Go get ready. Four guys, 15 minutes each,
we're knockin' it out this afternoon.
Is that even possible?
Joanna, this is a dating application,
and these are thirsty dudes.
Yes, it's possible. I hope you're DTF.
Hey, I know what that means now.
[WEIGHTS CLANKING]
[♪♪♪]
Mark. What's up, man?
Hey, Todd.
All right, hear me out.
This month, 10 classes, only 5 grand. What do you say?
Wow. That is-- I am...
All right.
Well, you know where to find me.
What's up, man? I'm Todd.
Yeah.
You wanna get swole, bro?
Thanks.
All right, guys. See you later.
Oh, that's a...
walking douche-nozzle.
I take this free lesson with him,
and he just doesn't get off my back.
He's got me on that Peelio diet.
Aren't a lot of people on the Paleo diet?
No, no, no. Peelio diet.
It's where you only eat food that you peel.
I was only eating bananas, shrimp--
What is it?
It's Chloe. She's...
typing, but she's not sending anything.
She's dot-dot-dotting me, bro.
[SIGHS] Whatever, man.
Let's go home. I don't see any girls.
Hey-- Whoa, whoa, relax. What are you talkin' about, buddy?
It's the bottom of the hour.
Wait for it.
Wait for it...
Boom.
[♪♪♪]
Ugh-- Dude, what are you doing?
This is disinfectant spray. Jeez, it's in my eyes.
It's okay, you look hot and sweaty and ready.
What's up, ladies?
Curls for the girls, pink shirt, glasses.
Hey--
Well,
nothing says, "Please come talk to me,"
Are they gone?
So your profile says you're a film connoisseur?
What's your favorite film?
I'd probably have to say
That is a...movie? It's not a film.
Uh, what's the difference?
Oh, God.
I'm on the phone.
[MARK SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
[EXHALES]
Do you work out here a lot?
[MUSIC PLAYS INDISTINCTLY]
Okay. Good talk.
So you must really be into jewelry.
I love the way a ring slides on and off my finger.
On and off...
On...
and off...
Hey, I-I love those glass water bottles.
You know, I heard the plastic ones were really bad for you.
I try to be super eco-friendly.
Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to get into that.
I'm doing a beach cleanup. You should come.
I would love to.
[SNAPS]
Oh, what-- Babe?
What's that beach we're cleaning up this weekend?
It's okay. I-I-I recycle at home already.
You know, you're lucky I swiped right.
What's wrong with that?
The ideal number is five.
One smiling photo, one at a formal event,
one with your hot friends to show you're not a loner,
one duck face selfie, and one on the beach.
Ideally in a bikini and not a one-piece.
Hey.
Hey, I like your necklace.
Oh. Thanks. I made it myself.
Hey, this might be too forward, but, uh...
would you like to...
Are you asking me out on a date?
Yeah.
Why don't you be a regular person in 2016
and just be on an app?
Right.
Wow. You're, like, the first
normal guy I've met from online dating,
Oh.
Yeah, God, there's just so many weirdos out there.
Yes, totally.
What do you--? What are you doing on Saturday?
You know, I don't think I have plans.
I don't know if this is forward,
but would you wanna join me on a bit of a gathering?
A gathering of the Juggalos.
Juggalo...
Oh, you don't have to look it up. It's the Insane Clown Posse.
And it's not that insane. Those guys are sweet.
All right. Fill me in.
Rough.
I might've been wrong.
Me too.
Uh, I wanna get off apps.
I wanna get on the apps.
See, the problem with the apps though
is that there's too many choices.
Like, how can you ever find the good ones?
Yeah, we're a generation overrun with choice.
Seriously. Have you seen
how many types of Chex Mix there are?
It's unreasonable.
[♪♪♪]
Mm. I have an idea.
Maybe we could choose for each other.
Look. I could read men better, and you could read women better.
We could switch accounts and swipe for each other.
Okay, I can get onboard with this,
but if it doesn't work, I'm just gonna get a cat.
Mm-hm, it'll work.
Oh, God.
Look, it'll be fun if we don't know anything.
We tell each other where to go,
what time to be there, and a date will be waiting.
Okay, so, like, a blind date with a twist.
Mm-hm.
Hey, just don't make my date at a gym.
Apparently, my dead lift isn't very impressive.
[CHUCKLES]
Mm. Mm. This is really good, Mom.
Did you do anything different?
Yeah, she ordered in.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Oh!
A message on a dating app.
You're dating again?
Ooh, from a dude. Interesting.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
It's not what it looks like.
Joanna and I are just choosing dates for each other.
So you're open to finding a wife?
[GASPS]
What's going on?
She's been waiting for this moment.
Do not disappoint her.
Oh, this should be interesting.
I'm scared.
If you see a girl you like,
put her photo on the right.
if you see a girl you don't like,
put her photo on the left.
What's Tinder?
Where did you get these photos?
These are the daughters of friends from church.
I'll go print some more.
Aiya,
don't waste more ink.
I don't understand. You're doing all of these
lame, try-hard dating attempts because... why?
'Cause I'm supposed to be married by now.
That's what you're conditioned to believe in
because of society. See,
contemporary marriage derives from property exchanges
and women needing to be owned by men.
There's no real reason to do it. I mean, except for maybe taxes.
Really great having you back home.
You have someone else to annoy?
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
Tiffany, looking for a sugar daddy. Nope.
Melissa... "I love to laugh." Who doesn't love to laugh? What?
Oh, actually, this girl's really pretty.
That's a bot.
What?
Oh, my God, it would be so funny to set him up with a bot.
No, I couldn't do that to Peter.
No, he deserves someone sweet.
He's such a good guy.
It is hard out there for good guys...
because of girls like me.
Yeah. He hasn't dated in a while.
He needs to be eased back in. He needs someone safe
who can gently break the dating seal.
Ew.
Well, why don't you just look for somebody
who's perfectly average.
Just like 5'5", natural hair, no dye,
eyeliner, no shadow, just like, a really sweet, basic bitch
who I would never be friends with.
I hope that's helpful.
MARK:
Chloe keeps dot-dot-dotting me.
I will not be ghosted.
Okay, Casper.
Hey, tell me what you think about this guy.
It's for Joanna.
So not only are you not going out with Joanna,
but you're hooking her up with some dude?
What is this, like, a terrible reality TV show?
Okay, I know it sounds weird, but...
Uh-huh?
Eh-- Uh--
I just went along with the pact because...
Because...
Because you're a nice guy. Ha, ha!
Yeah! And when a super-hot chick says, "Jump,"
a nice guy like you, Peter, is gonna say,
[DEMURELY]: "How high?"
What was I supposed to do?
Leave her hangin'? Or say,
"Hey, we haven't seen each other for 12 years. Be my girlfriend."
Dude, can you get off my back
and just help me swipe for Joanna?
I don't like to check out dudes, no thanks-- Oh, my God!
That dude needs some serious eyebrow fleeking.
Hm.
Him?
This guy looks like a serial killer.
What are you doing? Look at that smile. He's like,
"I'm gonna kill you." No.
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You're trying to set her up with the super-sketchy dude.
That way, you look amazing-- No, no, wait. Let me finish.
Peter, this is genius. I like it. Nice.
That's not what I was trying to do at all.
But...it's not a bad idea.
Mm-hm.
Okay, I set her up on a bad date.
Then she'll think I'm awesome in comparison.
And then we'll go to the diner
and commiserate on our bad dates.
Then we'll call off the pact.
And I will ask her out.
Mm-hm. Yep. I like it.
It only took about five minutes to get there,
but at least you're asking her out. Okay, now,
she's setting you up on a date.
I mean, does it matter?
I mean, who can compete with Joanna? I'm sure it'll suck.
That's true. Okay. Awesome.
Now, we just need to find your guy.
Okay. Now, he can't be too awful,
because then she's gonna be onto you.
We need someone right in the middle.
Decent-looking guy.
But what we need the most is a dud.
Do you have a dud?
I think I have a dud.
To setting each other up.
Cheers.
[BOTH CLEARING THROATS]
Aah.
You know, I'm so glad we're doing this.
Although, you know,
if this goes poorly, it's your fault.
If it goes amazing, then I get all the credit.
I mean, it's probably not gonna be.
Well-- We should stay positive, right?
Although, you never really do know.
[LAUGHING] What are you...
Um, in any case,
do you wanna meet up at Sunny's afterwards to recap?
Deal.
[♪♪♪]
Joanna, right?
Hi.
Hey, good to meet you.
Yeah, nice to meet you too.
All right.
Nice one, Peter.
[♪♪♪]
Peter? Hey.
I'm sorry. No, please sit.
I'm really sweaty, heh. Um...
Nice to meet you. I'm gonna use the restroom,
Okay.
I'm a personal trainer.
Oh, cool. Yeah.
Oh.
And you also like to lie a little bit,
don't you?
I hate working out, actually.
No, seriously,
I had a really stressful job in finance,
and my getaway was to work out.
And then one day, I quit my job
and started pursuing something that I love.
That is awesome. And I know how you feel
because I was in finance for the past,
like, eight or nine years.
And I feel like, in finance,
my diet consisted of Cinnabons and Mountain Dew.
Yeah, I lived off of frozen pizza and Red Bull.
But you must eat much healthier now, I'm assuming.
See, not exactly, but my clients, right? They come in,
and they always wanna know the newest fad diet.
One of the guys came in,
and I completely played a prank on him,
and told him to go on the Peelio diet.
You mean, Paleo diet.
No. Peelio.
I literally convinced this guy
to only eat foods that he can peel,
so he was eating bananas, shrimp,
and like, hard-boiled eggs.
Wow, that's amazing. Ha, ha!
Sorry about that. There's a bit of a situation.
Lots of blood, but don't worry.
The little guy's fine now.
Uh, "lots of blood"?
You don't know what I do?
You must think I'm insane.
I'm doing my residency at L.A. Children's Hospital right now.
Oh, I-I had no idea.
You know, that's a-- That's a bold icebreaker.
Can't say I didn't make an impression.
Oh, wow.
I don't know what to get.
I want everything on the menu.
Yep. It all looks good.
So you said you didn't know what I did.
I'm guessing you didn't Google me?
[CHUCKLES]
I came in blind.
Wow.
That's super refreshing.
It's nice to let things unfold organically.
In real life, you know?
Yeah, it is.
Hey.
[SIGHS] What are you doing here in person?
Look, Chloe, we...
We can't connect through a screen protector.
There's a reason why I haven't been texting you back, okay?
Whoa. Okay, look.
I will not be ghosted.
I know IRL can be uncomfortable,
but I decided it's worth being uncomfortable because I--
I missed you.
So I came to see you.
[SCOFFS]
No guy's ever shown up for me IRL before.
It's fairly creepy, but...
it's also kind of sweet.
I-- Well, I didn't think it was, like, that creepy.
But, yeah, go--
[♪♪♪]
Who you gonna call?
Ghost--
No, don't do that.
Two brothers and one sister.
Yourself?
Ah!
That's the best. I mean, all the attention's on you.
No, that's the worst! All the attention's on you.
[CHUCKLES]
No, you know, being part of a big family,
I always imagined myself with, like, at least two kids.
Ah, you know, I'm just...
hopin' to get married first.
Wait. You really never thought about how many kids you want?
I mean, for me, I always imagined two boys
growing up with each other, always being there,
and then comes the youngest,
the girl. So as she grows up,
she has two brothers that look over her.
Wow.
That sounds like one big happy family.
♪ Na na na na ♪
So your dating profile said you work in apparel?
Yeah. I work for my parents.
Mainly kids apparel. It's not that exciting.
But that's awesome. You get to see your family all the time.
Born and raised.
Ah. Super jealous of your childhood.
I mean, you had the beach and Disneyland.
Oh, Peter,
I don't know how to break it to you,
but you don't need a pass for the beach.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, okay, thanks for the tip.
So, uh, how about you?
I grew up on the East Coast,
and then I came out here for school and never left.
[CHUCKLES]
Sure.
But I feel like if you've lived in L.A.
for longer than three years,
and you still say the weather's the best part,
you have not had Korean barbecue,
I 100 percent agree with that.
I mean, people always give me a hard time
for never leaving my hometown,
but it's L.A. I mean, we have everything here.
Yeah. Except for sane people.
[CHUCKLING] Wait, what?
Oh.
It's really hard to meet someone genuine, someone real.
Well, maybe because we all grew up goin' to Disneyland.
[LAUGHS]
Should we get another drink?
Yeah. Sure.
You know, I was just about to
get off this whole dating app thing,
but... you're the first person I've met
who hasn't made me wanna take a fake phone call.
Oh, there's-- There's still time for that.
[LAUGHS]
To be honest, this has been fun.
"You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take."
Ugh, that's so cheesy.
Sorry. I just...
I played a lot of sports growing up.
No, no, no, that-- That was my senior quote.
JOANNA:
it started out great, and then...
No.
I don't know. He-- You know, he's nice
and cute, but...
I don't know, maybe it just wasn't there for me.
There had to have been something wrong with him.
He was, like, talking about kids at one point.
I mean,
at this age, it's kind of fair game to talk about.
I mean, is the goal of the pact to get married, or do you just
You know what...
maybe the pact's too confusing. Maybe I should just call it off.
What? Yesterday, you were all in. What happened?
I don't know. I thought the whole point of this was to just,
you know, be in the trenches with Peter, goin' on dates,
but I just wanna find a meaningful relationship.
You do realize in order to find a meaningful relationship,
you will have to go on dates.
Your plan seems a little flawed.
All I know is that I'm having
way more fun hanging out with Peter
than going on all these dates.
When he gets here, I'm gonna call it off.
Uh... so quick question. Is your ex named
Carl Ditani, and is he
getting married to an Allison Apticure?
Yeah, why?
Uh, a little crazy... I'm doing their wedding.
But I totally can
mess with them. You know, like, do they have any allergies?
No, heh. You know, you don't have to do that.
Are you sure? 'Cause you don't know
what I can do with tulips.
You're crazy. Um, Peter just got here. I gotta go.
I'm gonna tell him. Okay? Bye.
[PHONE DISCONNECTS]
Whoa. Sorry I'm late.
It went longer than expected.
Ah! So did I pick a winner?
Actually, she was pretty great.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I was a little worried
when she showed up 15 minutes late and sweaty,
but it turns out that she was a doctor.
And we had fun getting to know each other.
Nice. Well, I'm happy to hear that.
How about you? How was Todd?
Um, he was all right. Um...
Really easy to talk to.
Mainly because he did most of the talking.
So you think you'll see him again?
I don't know.
I mean, I don't know that he's for me,
but...maybe. We'll see.
[INHALES]
What about you and Sarah?
I don't know.
I haven't thought about it yet.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES]
Top 10 rides at Disneyland.
Oh, this is for you.
It's from the app.
Oh, that's hilarious.
It's from Sarah.
We kind of bonded over Disneyland.
Oh, okay, California Screamin'
should not be that high on the list.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Uh, I should sign off here.
This app.
Well, it seems like you guys had a really good time.
I feel like you should see her again.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, why not?
That's what the pact is about, right?
Yeah. I guess so.
It's funny.
Part of me wanted to call off the pact tonight.
But, like Sarah said,
"You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take."
Yep.
That's right.
[♪♪♪]