I sucked ya dad's dick last night!
Great! Now I have your attention! So you clicked on this video wanting to know how to get views,
and YouTube money, and success!
Here's how!
KIDS!
THAT'S ALL IT FUCKING IS!
What's that? You don't believe me?
Here's how you grow:
Kids!
Make content for kids!
Kids!
Hold on, let me try to flip this shit because that's what fucking kids do!
Oh, let me put that mark right here then I'll look like Hitler!
Oh, Hitler joke! FUCKING KIDS!
Killer clowns chasing after me, because that's what kids love! Kids love that shit!
I'm hiding behind this bucket right now because I have to change shots every few seconds,
because kids have a short attention span. Oh shit I've talked too long, fuck!
KIDS! KIDS!
ALWAYS HAVE HIGH ENERGY IN THE VLOGS!
WHAT'S UP, JUGGIES!? WELCOME TO THE CHANNEL!
I'M LITERALLY FUCKING LIKE BREAK-DANCING RIGHT NOW!
Like I just snorted cocaine!
KIDS, thought I did that in the previous series.
When children think shit is real,
that's when you succeed, even though everything is FAKE!
KIDS!
Trick shots, because that's what kids love!
Oh sorry I didn't finish my sentence about the number one demographic on YouTube is literally fucking children!
Look at these demographics, I'm sure they're so legit!
Like a kid never lies about their fucking age.
But hey, I'm sure that's what google shows the advertisers!
All those beer ads are doing real good on the children!
No! Too much information! Too much information!
I showed a chart and I talked too much, now I need to destroy shit for entertainment value!
Fuck! Oh yes!
I need to cut out every little second of silence just so it'll keep you guys entertained.
I have ADD because I'm a fucking kid in this generation!
I don't want to have to use my fucking brain, just mildly entertain me!
Actual real Juliette vlogs? BORING!
Ah, drama and smashing shit. That's better.
Every trend on YouTube is because of the kids!
Daddy yells and breaks shit, KIDS!
When gaming was popular on YouTube, KIDS!
I wanna be the next Call of Duty trickshotter! Pew pew!
No rational thinking adult wants be a fucking professional gamer!
KIDS!
Hahaha! Killer clowns for kiddies!
I'm gonna abort your mom's next child!
That's right! Inappropriate jokes because that's what fucking kids make!
Every single fan you meet in public!
Hey Jesse I'm a Juggie!
Oh, you're two years old, nice to meet ya!
Yes! I fucking love this game!
When Minecraft was so popular, it made people millions of dollars!
BECAUSE KIDS!
KIDS LOVE MINECRAFT!
And minecrafters love kids...
*sex*
Profile pictures like this!
Names like this!
FAKE AND GAY!
Your channel's dying!
Fucking kids!
Somebody just broke into my house guys, oh my God!
Now I'm breaking into somebody's pool because it's real!
But actually, I've just talked too much, and now I need action to make you little kids interested again!
Trampoline into the pool! Woo!
I'm drowning! Thumbnail!
This is the fifth time I've died for a thumbnail for views and kids!
I'm in the hospital for kids!
Now I need to stack trampolines!
Damnit, I should've done a backflip. Any kind of flip, kids love that shit.
Check out my sexy ass lambo, cause KIDS!
And my rich lifestyle, cause KIDS!
Dope ass memes yo, fuckin hella fresh, edgy as fuck for the KIDS!
Diss tracks and raps yo, got a house with like one floor!
It's selling like a Jesus whore!
Fucking kids!
Glorifying bullying!
Trying to rap!
KIDS!
KIDS LOVE BULLYING!
Corrupt that shit!
Wait, I have more!
*lol xd he fell*
Pain and misfortune!
Kids, love that shit!
Puppies! Kids!
Unboxings like it's Christmas! Kids!
Toy channels, cause kids!
Don't forget Frozen, Elsa, and Spiderman!
*sex.exe*
Cooking!
He smashed an egg! Hahahahaha!
Ohhhhh!! It all turned to ice!
Science!
KIDS!
Doing the 20-banana challenge! I'm gonna eat all of these and throw up!
THE KIDS!
*autistic screeching*
Oh...
Horror games! Our number one YouTuber!
Screaming! Kids!
Woah woah, OH SHIT! AHH!
Possession. Kids.
OH MY GOD. KIDS!
HAUNTED ROAD, OUIJA BOARDS, GHOSTS!
THEY'RE FUCKING FAKE!
You stupid idiots, it's all for kids!
Oh yeah, Ella!
Oh, my girlfriend walked in! It's just a prank babe! It's just a prank!
KIDS!
It's all kids, Ella!
Only kids would believe that prank was fucking real, NOTHING IS REAL!
Alright guys, for today I'm going to be taking a bath in gummy bears!
Who the fuck wants to watch you taking a bath!?
Gonna put some slime in here too, mmm!
NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH YOU TAKE A BATH,
BUT KIDS!
Selling this fresh ass merch yo!
Oh wait!
Nobody buys this shit cause it's all kids with no money!
But at least drama sells, don't even get me started on that!
Did you hear, John? Did you hear what happened with so and so?
(gibberish)
Pays too look good, ooooohhh!
Gotta be shirtless for the vlog!
Gotta get those 12 year old girls to watch.
Top 10 things to take back to school this year!
Fucking kids, obviously.
Alright guys, here's a makeup tutorial to impress the little boys.
It's a little dab for them haters.
I'm gonna be 25 in a month.
The older you get, the less relevant you are!
Pays to be young, Juggies! Don't be like Uncle Larry!
kids
It all comes back to the kids.
Maybe this is something you're already aware of,
but sometimes it's nice to be reminded,
of the simplest statement.
What's that? You're still not convinced guys?
When you see a channel explode, a million subscribers in a month,
that's not natural.
However it is, when dealing with sheep.
Sheep is a term given to people who cannot think for themselves.
And guess what that describes?
Kids.
Pack mentality. They all get together and think;
"This is the next best thing! Let's all travel in clumps and reward this person."
Or this person. And these kids will feed whatever is relevant at that time,
and will drop you like a fucking hot tamale.
So this is the part of the video where most of you guys tune out.
Educational video. No views. Its not for the kids.
My short film, not for the kids.
So when you ask me "Jesse how do I grow my YouTube channel?"
"What is the key to success and views?"
To quote jacksfilms, "we're all just assholes talking into a camera."
But the follow-up to that is, we're pandering to children.
If you want to do well, you need to think in the mind of a child. What would you want to see?
What would you be entertained by if you were 8 years old?
Because that ultimately fuels a lot of our passions as grownups.
It's what we loved as kids. Now the problem is, if all of us are pandering to children,
don't we also share a moral responsibility to, impart good things to these kids.
Good messages.
Positive role-models.
Because ultimately, we are creating our own future.
BUT THE KIDS DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT! FUCK THAT SHIT, HAHAHAHAHA!
POOPY AND JERKING OFF!
Have some fun, make shit for the kids, and good luck, with your YouTube success.
Download StoryFire and Keep it RiDGiD.
Oh, but don't expect to make money because YouTube revenue sucks these days.
(captions by OwnageCubed)