Oh
and I'm like about to cry and he's just
like hold on I'm getting married next
weekend in Pennsylvania and he'll be
there why don't you crash my wedding and
mark Barker
hello everybody.welcome that is not
happening I'm your host Ari Shaffir and
today all the stories are about
nostalgia it doesn't absolutely love it
please Gary Letterman everybody stories
about my happy place you know we all
have that happy place that we can go
back to whenever we're in dark times
that place from our childhood that just
brings us back you know makes us feel
happy my happy place was Camp Swatara my
Quaker camp that I went to in upstate
Pennsylvania and I remember like when my
dad and my mom would put me in the car
and they drive me up I remember the
butterflies I'd get when I started to
get we'd approach you know the the
entrance and they would drop me off and
it was just like so amazing there was
just like bonfires and friendship
bracelets and dreams like I
remember the pizza bagels like every
single thing about it
and then there was Mark Parker he was
just like the cutest counselor ever he
was so hot he had an eyebrow ring he
knew like every lyric to every Dave
Matthews Band song that you know he
played on acoustic guitar and every
bonfire and he could up a
hacky sack like he was just he was so
hot like I was like I didn't even know
what why my underwear was wet I just
knew that
I knew two things about that underwear
that my mom had written my name in it
and that it was soaking wet I was like
baby horny I was like what are you I
love you these feelings and all the
counselors were so cool and I
loved that cam Kant did not love me back
as much I was just completely invisible
not cool at all like when you got older
when you're like 13 14 they would start
the counselors would start to wake up
the cool girls at night and like bring
them out to smoke weed and drink and so
I would they would like wake me up oh
yes and like do you mind moving over
Sarah's getting down and when you
graduate from the camp at 14 you can
apply to be a counselor and all I wanted
in my life is to be a counselor I mean
they were like living the dream they
were just like so awesome and I was like
I you know I would love to be a camp
counselor at Camp Swatara but I'm not
gonna get the job so I never applied
because I was like I you know I can't
handle that rejection will be too deep
you know so instead I graduated from
Camp Swatara and since I couldn't you
know smoke weed and drink with the
counselors I decided to just like go
back to Philadelphia and just smoke and
drink with real criminals and I just
became like a horrible juvenile
delinquent was just stealing cars like
my life just like went completely
downhill from there so I had some really
dark times and really struggle with
alcoholism and drugs and really got
up and I remember a moment just
staring into a mirror just like what
have you done with your life you used to
be a camper and I wrote in a lipstick I
wrote on the mirror IRA remember Camp
Swatara and I left it there for like
years like just years and years I never
cleaned that mirror and I would just
look at it in my dark times and it would
bring me back and I could really like
close my eyes and remember like the
morning bell and I could remember like
the pig that they had at the little farm
I just remembered the tire swings in the
zip line I liked the lake and everything
mark Barker I mean was just so
incredible so then a couple years later
I quit drinking I moved to New York to
start doing stand-up comedy and I am
feeling good about myself and right then
on Facebook I get an invite to a camp
Swatara reunion and I'm like oh my god
here's my time to shine here's my time
to show them how cool I was I wasn't
invisible I'm Annie Lederman an open mic
er living in Bushwick but I'm just like
so excited to go and I look at it and
I'm working that weekend and I can't go
to the reunion I'm like
devastated and I go out before I go out
though I go I I take the opportunity
when I realize that I can't go to the
reunion to just friend request every
counselor I ever had just everyone
across the board don't give a if
they accept man throwing it out there
anyway
and I go I go onto the subway all bummed
out and I hear from behind my hear
someone go Annie Letterman and I turn
around and as this guy Dan McFarland who
was one of my camp counselors and I'm
like holy and he's like oh my god
and like first of all I'm shocked he
remembers like I can't even believe that
you remembers him like maybe I wasn't
invisible and he goes Annie this is so
crazy that I'm running into you right
now because I was just talking to one of
the other counselors he was talking
about your Facebook he had looked at
your Facebook and he's like was talking
about how hot you are and I was like me
huh I was like but who who was the
counselor and he was like mark Parker
I measured every guy against him I'm in
love with him I have loved him every day
since camp give him to me
where is he put him inside me now and
he's like oh he doesn't live in New York
anymore and I'm like about to cry and
he's just like hold on I'm getting
married next weekend in Pennsylvania and
he'll be there why don't you crash my
wedding and mark Parker I'm like I
mean bate bate bate bate I'm like this
is just like gonna be the best
experience oh I tell everyone like I'm
going to bodega guys I'm going on subway
I'm stopping homeless man I'm like
here's a quarter I'm gonna Parker
I'm like this is gonna be the best day
of my life not only was it
amazing that this had happened but it's
also like I was wrong about who I was
like if I had applied to the accounts or
like I might have gotten it like I may
have missed my opportunity to
live this incredible life
because how would you know like he
wouldn't losers don't get stopped on the
subway and visible people don't
have mark Barker saying they're hot like
so I go on his Facebook page and I write
like you're a kill and then a
parenthesis in case he doesn't get it
I'm like a counselor I'd like to
and then I'm like that's not enough so
then I go on his on his messages and I'm
like hey Mark let's
and he writes back like cool yes
absolutely I'm down
so I pack my back it's just a
suitcase filled with underwear obviously
no condoms cuz I can party and then I
like you know I pull my little suitcase
and I go in and I'm just like I mean I
can't even like describe - I thought I'm
like I can't wait to meet this
handsome ass man like I just I
just remember him being like so tall and
dark and handsome and like amazing and
talented the way he played crash
into me I mean and I'm like and just to
see all the counselors in general like
to see my heroes again and I like you
know I like bust through the door and
it's after the wedding because when you
crash a wedding you don't go for the
ceremony you go to obviously so I
go in and I look around and I'm like
where were these old people oh these are
my counselors I'm like oh holy
they're all like balding and fat and
like pregnant I'm like it was like if
1990 froze but they got oldest
production so I'm like that's cool
whatever marks gonna be hot and like I'm
looking for him right and before I can
find him this woman I've never met comes
up and she goes oh my god are you Annie
and I'm like uh-huh and she's like oh my
god are you Mark's Annie and I'm like
what Ellis I guess she's like he's so
excited you're coming he's been talking
about you this whole time and I'm like
that's when I realized I'm the second
most eventful thing that's happening at
this wedding besides your nuptials like
everyone's like this girl is gonna come
to bookmark this is amazing
getting bugged so then you know the
dorks eat parts and there he is
and let me tell you he still has the
eyebrow ring he had like those long
fingernails like he still plays a guitar
which by the way guys just trim them
jesus christ
I don't need to know whether I have HPV
from your fingernails and I'm
just like holy everything that made
him cool
in the 90s makes him so on
now keep in mind
I've quit drinking at this point I'm
sober as like there is no way to
drink him hot like this is my lot in
life at this point there's no other
reason I'm at this wedding been to
mark parker like I'm there to get it and
he comes over he's like hey girl like no
he's also got gay boys Jesus Christ
I got nothing to work with here so I'm
like all right i hatch a plan I'm like I
am gonna get him so wasted that he
passed this out and it's his fault he
doesn't me right I'm like sobs I
was looking forward to it
so what's the plans working right he's
starting to bobblehead
he's got Cookie Monster eyes you know
he's about out and I see him he
pops a pill and I'm like ambien
no adderall so now he's
just he's just there for me guys
my like and he was like so nice you know
so I had to him whole reason I came
I couldn't be able something I'm not
ready not ready I aggressively was like
I'm will you dick I don't know if
you know what body part I'm gonna
it's your dick like at least we'll go
back to his like nice room of this nice
bed and breakfast no you didn't have his
own room I mark Parker on the
pull-out couch in another counselors
room
so the sex was great just kidding uh at
one point he goes down on me and he
looks up and he goes mmm delicious
like he's making a yelp review of my
like boom delicious can we both be
shocked can we be taken out by snipers
right now like someone should die after
someone says so humiliating and
I'm just like in my own personal Vietnam
I'm like oh my god how do I get out of
this like close my eyes and I try to go
to my happy place but all that's in my
happy place delicious oh my god
but I like after the deed is done and
everything's been wet napped up I just
like go to bed feeling you know grossed
out like I ruined camp for myself but at
least I saved camp for him and he now
goes to bed knowing that he's preserved
this you know this crush in this
relationship that he's always imagined
having to so I go to bed a hero and then
I wake up from those sweet sweet dreams
- mark watching me sleep which is always
delightful way to wake up my life is a
major terrifying just have your mistakes
just right in your face
so he you know he's staring at man ago
that pillow um and he goes you know what
I was looking at you watching you sleep
and I'm realizing I think I do remember
you from camp now like about to cry he
did remember me from camp yes I was
invisible yes I was a loser do you know
who I was to him some stranger
that friend requested him on Facebook
and then was like I'm gonna your
dick and then I him
I was just the chick from Facebook so I
guess the moral of the story is don't
rape yourself with someone else's body
and you never go back to your happy
place
my only issue was telling this story is
that Mark is like so nice you know he's
like such a good person and I'm just so
afraid he's gonna see this you know and
I'm gonna feel so guilty and have to
him again
you