if there is one generalization we can
hazard of those who end up mentally
unwell
we could say that they are masters at
being very nasty to themselves
without noticing they are even being so
release from the grip of self-loathing
therefore has to start with a growing
awareness of what we are doing to
ourselves
and what the alternatives might be for
example
we might start to notice that no sooner
has something nice happened to us
that we set about wondering when
something awful will strike in revenge
that every success has to be ruined by a
feeling of foreboding and guilt
that every potentially pleasant day ends
up marred by panic or a sense of loss
and that we spontaneously imagine
that everyone must hate us and that the
worst things are being said about us the
moment we leave any room
none of this looks on the surface like
self-hatred
we could just say that we have a worried
mind or a regretful temperament
but it is useful to group these ideas
under a singular title
in order to fully identify the direction
in which they point
towards the systematic destruction of
any pleasure in being ourselves
which is when we think about it a very
nasty thing indeed to do to someone
without realizing it we are committed to
throttling all of our chances at
contentment
at the earliest possible opportunity we
might imagine
as an experiment trying to be as kind as
possible towards our own minds
rather than dragging in every last
deformed and mean idea
into the theater of consciousness we
could dare to be vigilant
about only presenting our minds with the
very kindest
and most reassuring ideas the moment we
left a room
we might be ruthless in preventing
thoughts about our unacceptability
from manifesting themselves in the usual
way they might be begging to be let in
and claiming all sorts of reasons why
they should be so
but for once we could give them a firm
no
if they kept trying to make their way
into our minds we might put on a piece
of music or do some gardening
anything other than allow destructive
concepts to have their normal rule over
us
where does this unconscious impulse to
be unkind to ourselves come from
how is the choice to torture ourselves
made
we can hazard another generalization the
way we treat ourselves is an
internalization of the way others once
treated us
either directly in the sense of how they
spoke to us or indirectly
in the sense of how they behaved around
us which could have included
ignoring us or openly displaying a
preference for someone else
to get a measure of where we stand on
the spectrum of self-love
we need only ask ourselves a very simple
question
that we have nevertheless ignored for
far too long
how much do i like myself if the answer
immediately and intuitively comes back
that we feel loathsome
there is a history that we urgently need
to consider
and are conveniently for our
self-torturing minds
choosing to ignore the contempt we
habitually show ourselves
is in neither way fair nor right we
should spot the oddity and partiality of
treating ourselves with a viciousness we
wouldn't accord to our worst enemies
people who commit suicide aren't those
for whom a few things have gone very
wrong
they are people who have encountered
some otherwise survivable reversals
against a background of fierce
self-hatred it is the self-hatred that
will end up killing them
not the apparent subjects of their panic
and sorrow
as ever salvation comes through
self-awareness
there is nothing inevitable about
self-hatred we are treating ourselves
unkindly
because people were in the past not
especially kind to us
and we are being touchingly yet
dangerously loyal to their philosophies
of derision
but if we are to stay alive we need
radically to redraw our moral code
and return to kindness the prestige that
it should always have had
we have learnt far too much about a lack
of mercy
about panic about self-suspicion and
finding oneself pitiful
now we need to rediscover the virtues of
forgiveness
mercy calm and gentleness and when we
panic
and feel intensely anxious about the
future we need to remember that we are
in essence
worrying about our fundamental
legitimacy and lovability
our survival depends on a swift mastery
of the art of self-compassion
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