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Get On The Same Page
Hello there.
In relationships, our differences
are like unique flavors that complement the overall flavor of the dish.
A beautifully feel-good relationship
is one that involves both autonomy and connection.
But we struggle with this.
Often times, as people,
we feel like we have begun to lose ourselves to a relationship.
We feel like the relationship is actually a lack of freedom.
We feel trapped.
We feel like our identity is dissolving into it.
For more about this,
I want you to watch two of my videos on YouTube.
The first is: How To Develop Healthy Boundaries
And the second is: I Can Have Me And I Can Have You Too
However, to the flipside
our fierce desire for independence and autonomy
within a relationship,
in fact causes a hell of a lot of problems
for our relationship.
At our most basic level
we understand that we are all energy
and that energy vibrates,
and that vibrating energy is what manifests into physical form.
Now, this is really really critical to understand
when it comes to relationships,
because we live in a time-space reality
where the law of attraction is the principle law
governing our universe.
That means that in order to experience people in our time-space reality
they must be a vibrational match to us.
As we progress through our lives
we give rise to expansion.
We explore what's unwanted,
by virtue of understanding that, we give rise to what we would prefer,
and then we go in the direction of that.
We perceive a linear timeline
from here, to there.
Now, for us to keep our relationships,
we have to be going in the same direction
towards the same desires
our vibrations have to sync up.
For more understanding about this,
I want you to watch my YouTube video titled:
The Catch Up Effect (The Real Reason We Fear Change)
Now, here's the issue,
if you in your life have certain desires
and your partner in life, usually a romantic partner,
has a different desire and a different vibration,
you will eventually be led in different directions.
You will part ways.
So what does all this mean ?
It's quite simple, in fact.
It means that if you want your relationship to continue long-term
and if you want your relationship to feel good, you have one option,
and that is to stay on the same page,
or to be on the same page,
to get on the same page.
You get my drift.
When I counsel couples, every conflict I see
boils down to this simple thing:
The two people involved in the relationship
are not on the same page.
The differences between their perspectives and desires
and therefore thoughts and actions about a subject
are causing a wide vibrational gap to form between them.
This is true of all relationships.
I'm gearing this particular video towards your primary relationship,
which is usually a romantic partnership which is exclusive.
But the same concept applies to friendships,
it applies to coworkers,
it applies to anyone you've developed a relationship with.
And there are some preferences, some individualities,
some differences in relationships
that don't cause any problem at all.
Things like, this person likes chocolate ice cream,
and this person likes vanilla ice cream.
There's a lot of those in a relationship.
But there is also a lot of others.
Differences that absolutely do have an impact
if there is a difference of opinion.
Something like this person wants to have an open relationship,
and this person wants an exclusive one.
These are differences that if not reconciled
will cause an end to the relationship.
These are genuine incompatibilities.
And the real stress and pressure that is felt in a relationship
is about these incongruences.
I'm going to break it to you in this way:
In today's world,
tolerance is something that we value.
Essentially, we say you should be tolerant of others
and their differences.
So, what do we love to say in tandem with that idea?
We love to say: "Agree to disagree",
as if that's some sort of enlightened acceptance.
The truth couldn't be any farther from this if we tried.
It is nothing more than an unwillingness
to try to really understand each other and find a commune ground.
And guess what?
Agreeing to disagree about things
that have real impact on the choices you make today
and thus your direction, and thus your future
does not work in relationships.
On a vibrational level, in fact, it is relationship suicide.
This is what it's like:
It's like looking at your partner and saying: "Agree to disagree"
I'll go to Japan, and you go to Mexico,
and we'll have a relationship from there.
It's not gonna work long-term
This is why assessing compatibility in relationships
is so incredibly critical.
And I mean all relationships, not just romantic ones,
also friendships.
If you find yourself in a circumstance
where you're putting up with
being on a different page from somebody else,
and putting up with that being on a different page
is causing you pain,
this is relationship endurism.
So to understand more about that concept,
you can watch my video on YouTube titled:
Endurism (The Flip Side of Escapism)
If you are in pain in a relationship,
I guarantee you
it is because you're not on the same page about something.
You're trying to stay together despite the fact
that there is a vibrational gap between you.
So, why is this so painful?
Think about it this way,
in a vibrational way
you are on such different frequencies
that it's a kin to you trying to hold to one edge of the grand canyon
and the other edge of the grand canyon
over a chasm,
when that chasm grows ever wider and ever wider,
and you end up being stretched
to the point where you're getting essentially, ripped apart.
That's why it's so painful.
So what does it mean to be on the same page?
It means being in alignment with one another
so you are side-by-side headed in the same direction.
It means reaching agreement.
It does not mean one of you gives into the other.
It means you do anything you can do to find a meaning of minds
so the both of you reach understanding, some kind of agreement
and feel good about the direction you're headed.
And this requires lots of effective and ongoing communication.
As people, we tend to be in a constant state of flux.
We go through life, that changes our perspective,
it changes our desires,
and what do we usually do?
We expect that when we change our mind
and change our direction,
that our partner is gonna be on the exact same page.
And yet, they're not.
And so, there's frustration.
And we have very poor skills for finding reconciliation,
poor skills for getting on the same page again.
Often, we swing to either end of the scale.
Either we give in,
and silently resent the other person
and punish them in passive-aggressive ways,
or we defiantly do whatever we want, regardless of whether or not
the other person is in agreement with us.
This causes our partner to not trust us
and feel abused by us.
What we have to get, is that there is another option.
To each become very sure
of where we are emotionally and mentally
and what we want,
so we can communicate it to each other.
Then, we seek to find agreement that does not require sacrifice.
To seek to find agreement that will feel good to both people.
There is beauty in the fact
that two people have to
essentially, be on the same page
to continue their relationship together.
It's that this is the way that the universe forces our expansion.
It says: "Look, you think you're going to stay stagnant?
No! Screw that!"
By virtue of being in a relationship with this person
every time they evolve,
everything that you think you stand for
is gonna have to come into question, as well.
And by virtue of having to go back and forth
between these two perspectives or even more perspectives than just two,
you're going to have to expand your mind,
expand your horizons, find new solutions,
you're gonna have to get outside your box.
That causes expansion for all parties.
This is how we find out the next level of truth.
This is why it can be a great idea to involve outside perspectives
in the attempt to get on the same page.
People who are external to the relationship
often see alternatives to solutions
that both people involved were totally blind to.
It's at this point in the episode,
where I have little bone to pick with the idea of compromise.
When most people use the word compromise,
what they mean is give up something important,
so that you can get something else.
This never works.
In fact, it's no better than agreed to disagree.
For most people, to compromise means
to sacrifice what you don't really want to sacrifice.
You can't give up something that is important to you,
and accept what you don't want to accept.
All this type of compromise does
is lead to intense resentment,
on behalf of both people involved.
So when you get into this conversation about getting onto the same page,
don't think of it in terms of compromise.
I want you to think of it
in terms of finding a third option.
In other words,
don't start off thinking about what you can each give up
so as to make the relationship work.
Get into it trying to find an option
where neither of you have to give up what you really want
in order to make the relationship work.
The point of trying to understand each other,
the point of seeing alternative perspectives
is that it changes our perspective.
And quite often, when our perspective changes,
it changes the ideas that we hold,
the beliefs, it changes the choices we make
and thus, the direction we go in life.
So, what do we find when we really try to find a meeting of minds?
Sometimes our partner shares his or her perspective
and we realize that that perspective makes perfect sense
and feels more right in our hearts,
and so we get on their page.
Other times our partner looks at our perspective,
and decides that more right in their heart,
It's more in alignment
and so they get on our page.
Sometimes we find an entirely different page to both get on.
And sometimes we find that what feels right in our hearts
individually, is to stay on the page that we're on,
whether or not it's different from the other person,
and yes, potentially end the relationship.
If we're trying to get on the same page,
we have to allow for all of these four potential options
to take place.
But I will give you a little nugget of hope.
If it is your desire
to stay in alignment with somebody,
it is much more likely
that when you come together and express your perspectives,
so as to find a meeting of minds,
that's actually going to happen.
It's more rare that we find that we're genuinely incompatible.
So first, what I want you to do
is to identify the aspects of your life
where you and this other person,
whoever it is, whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship,
maybe your son or daughter,
I want you to identify the aspect of your life
that you are in disagreement about.
Where am I not on the same page as this person?
And then from there,
I have some suggestions
for what to do to get on the same page.
Step #1.
You need to express to this person:
"Hey, look I feel like we're on totally different pages
relative to this subject".
Tell them what you think you're on a different page about,
and then tell them why you need to get on the same page with them.
It's important to make this conversation be one
where the style of communication is not attack and defense.
It needs to be one that gives both you and them
a positive solution-oriented feeling.
From there, both of you will have to be willing to sit down
and directly have a conversation
or an exchange
where the goal of that exchange is to get on the same page.
Now, yeah, sometimes there are those abusive relationships,
one-sided relationships where your partner's like:
"I don't really care whether you need that for me or not.
No!"
There's really nothing you can do with that.
I'll just be honest, because you can't force somebody to do something.
But chances are when you present this to the other person
they're going to want to.
Why? Because it's causing them just as much pain
to be on that different page
as it's causing you.
#2.
When trying to reach consensus,
we have to enter into that conversation
with a specific mindset.
We have to enter into it without the intention to give in,
and without the intention to win.
Instead, we need to get into it,
desiring an actual meeting of minds.
That potentially involves both of us opening our minds to alternatives.
It is important to not abandon yourself
and really speak your authentic truth
while simultaneously, allowing the other person
the space for their authentic truth.
The goal, at first, is to fully understand each other.
Step #3.
This is where you each put forth your perspective.
What I often have people do,
is to go into totally separate rooms
so they're not influenced by each other,
and to write down their perspective
about this area of life where they are on a different page.
What do I want especially relative to the situation?
What do I need relative to this situation?
What am I feeling relative to the situation?
Then, I have both parties
come to a mutual place
and then each has to share
their Individual page, if you will.
"This is the page that I'm on", "this is the page that I'm on".
And the goal, of course, is to understand each other.
So this is the point in the process
where I want you to ask each other as many questions as you possibly can.
Because what do questions do?
It breaks us out of our own paradigm,
it breaks us out of our own box,
it makes us see alternatives we didn't see before.
#4.
The goal in our minds
needs to be to find a solution that works well for the both of us.
That actually adds to both of our sense of well-being
and of hope for the future.
It has to be a win-win scenario.
In fact, I want you to really think about that.
This is really critical.
For people to feel good about being on the same page
it actually has to feel as if both of you have won.
And I'm going to be really serious about this next part:
If being on the same page
means that either of you have to make any concessions,
you had better make sure that those concessions
are something you actually feel good about giving.
Otherwise, there is absolutely no point to doing this process.
You'll do it,
you'll be on the same page for three seconds flat,
and then ten minutes later,
you're going to be on a different page again,
Then, we brainstorm different options
that could bring us together in agreement.
We essentially brainstorm ways to get on the same page.
For anyone who's interested in some really great tools
for resolving conflict,
or dispelling a disagreement,
I want you to look up my YouTube video titled:
How To Resolve Conflict
Relationships are the heart of our expansion on this planet
which means it's going to be the area of your life
where you find both the most joy and discomfort.
And it can feel like relationships are super complicated.
But here's the thing,
if you're suffering in a relationship, it is literally as simple as this:
You are not on the same page, in this red hot minute.
And if you would like a feel-good relationship that lasts long-term,
it's really this simple.
Make effort to get on the same page.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte & The Online Community