Animals.
They're cute,
they're cuddly,
and sometimes they even pass legislation.
But sometimes animals can also be a bit much.
So to help us cover the big animal stories in the news,
we turn to our own Daily Show animal expert,
my Australian cousin,
with a new segment we call
(bleep) These Animals!
-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)
(with Australian accent): Thanks, Trevor!
Yeah!
I used to like animals--
that's why I became a zoologist, or whatever this hat's for--
until one day, my animal hero,
Steve Irwin, got stabbed in the heart by a bloody stingray.
Everyone says stingrays are harmless,
but try telling that to Steve.
You can't because of a murdering stingray,
so that's why I say (bleep) these animals.
First on my shit list-- polar bears.
Yeah, the myth about these four-legged cotton balls is
that they're always playing in the snow and drinking Coca-Cola.
But in reality, they drink Pepsi,
and can slap a man's head clean off!
And recently, they've been invading Russian cities.
The unusual invasion causing a state of emergency
that has families afraid to leave their homes
in one Russian town.
WOMAN: It's a wild scene.
Hungry polar bears and their cubs
rummaging through a landfill,
even wandering down a hallway.
In this small arctic town, they've counted
at least 52 bears.
With sea ice disappearing, the endangered animals
are spending more time on land.
Aw, these bloody poor Russians!
As if your winters weren't hard enough,
how about we thrown in some starving,
camouflaged killing machines?
(bleep) these animals.
I hate polar bears for the same reason I hate pandas, right?
They're very cute, but very deadly.
They come in looking like a teddy bear.
Then they rip you apart!
Yeah, getting attacked would be like, "Oh, so cute.
"I'm dying, but so cute.
I'm cute. Dying!"
Nobody would help you because they think it's adorable.
Too busy filming on their cell.
Everyone's like, "Oh, now the bear's eating his legs!
Oh, look how cute it is!"
Meanwhile down in South America,
entire villages are getting overrun
by one of Mother Nature's nastiest critters--
the hippopotamus.
NEWSMAN: A brief glimpse of a giant native only to Africa,
now running wild in Colombia.
The story of the hippo starts here, Villa Nápoles,
the former estate of Pablo Escobar, who in his hay day,
had four hippos smuggled here for his private zoo.
It's not uncommon to spot a 3,000-pound hippo
walking around town.
MAN: The hippos are very dangerous.
They're a territorial species.
NEWSMAN: In Africa, hippos cause more human deaths
than any other large animal.
Yeah. What's worse than hippos?
I'll tell you what. Cocaine hippos!
(laughter)
Evidently, Pablo Escobar got so bored smuggling dope,
he needed another challenge.
"Aah! Drugs are too easy!
Bring me some illegal African land whales!"
That's right. I'm a South African
doing a Australian accent doing a Colombian accent.
Take that, Meryl Streep! Take that!
(cheers and applause)
So now, so now, El Pablo's been dead 25 years,
but his hippos are still running around Colombia
ruining the ecosystem, and worse, causing traffic jams.
(bleep) these animals!
And by the way, kids, if you do see a hippo,
leave the bloody thing alone. Just steer clear!
They are the most lethal animal in Africa.
That's right. Even deadlier than the AIDS lions.
Trevor would confirm that, but he's gone to the loo.
Anyway, the thing about these giant, unrideable pig horses is
that they're pretty hard to get rid of.
The hippos were then allowed to just roam free.
-Yes. Basically. -And they had...
-That happened. -They had offspring.
How many are there now?
Um... about 50 hippos or-or...
-Or more. -Or more.
There's a huge area, and, uh,
that's a paradise for the hippos.
NEWSMAN: Paradise because they have no predators
and ample food and water.
Oh, blimey, those are hungry, hungry hippos.
(laughter)
And they went from four to 50 of them,
so there are also some horny, horny hippos,
which, by the way, is the R-rated version of the game.
(laughter, groaning)
Those aren't marbles in their mouth, mate.
Look, people have to stop bringing animals to places
where they don't belong.
Not for the animals' sake. You know me.
(bleep) these animals.
But because every time they get brought somewhere,
they end up screwing things up for us humans,
like this story out of Texas.
NEWSMAN: The CBS Houston affiliate, KHOU, says
a tiger was found inside an abandoned home.
Authorities received an anonymous call yesterday
from people who had gone into the home,
and, yes, discovered a tiger.
MAN: They were going to go into this
vacant house to smoke marijuana,
and they discovered...
Uh, they were greeted by a large tiger.
He's in a rinky-dink cage that could easily bust open.
It was... it was secured with a, uh, nylon strap.
Now this story pisses me off the most,
because that tiger ruined those people's high.
(laughter)
Just imagine, you go into an abandoned house to smoke weed,
and then you see a bloody tiger.
You're probably like, "What kind of weed is this?!"
(laughter)
"That house cat looks like a tiger!"
So then you go, "Let me pet the cat."
But guess what. It's a bloody tiger, mate,
so it rips your arm clean off.
Now you've got one arm, and the worst part is,
that's the arm that had your joint in it.
(bleep) these animals!
Another thing that bothers me about this story
is who moves out of their house and forgets their tiger?
What bogan is leaving the house like,
"Oh, keys, wallet, phone. What am I missing?
Oh, yeah, my 300-pound jungle monster!"
So, to sum up, folks, hide your rubbish from bears,
never let drug lord hippos have unprotected sex,
and you now have a second reason not to go into abandoned houses.
The first reason's pedophiles.
And don't forget. (bleep) these animals.
Back to you, Trevor.
-(applause and cheering) -♪ ♪
Wow. Thanks, Australian Trevor.