one of the beautiful things about life is like sometimes you're going through
something and you see or hear or even both the exact thing that you need to
see what is everybody this is Chris from the rewired so where we talk about the
problem but focus on the solution and if you're new to my channel my channel is
all about mental health and what I like to do is pull different topics from the
YouTube community to try to teach you how to improve your mental and emotional
well-being so into that stuff make sure you subscribe and ring that notification
bell so yeah I am super super super grateful
um because I love you guys like if you're not yet follow me on Twitter
about the reward so you got some video suggestions and topics all day and I
usually I'm like okay yeah I'll check it out and I try to see if I can fit in but
also you know part of what I try to do with my channels like I try to make
something that I feel like making that day you know what I mean like I just
kind of do what I want to do it's my channel you know and you know just now
not all about 30 minutes ago someone sent me a video and they said talk about
kal-el kal-el and I'm like who the heck is that right anyways hold on I promise
to give this person to shout out but I need my phone well when I got that phone
I actually got two tweets so one of them was at bat in some am I even saying oh
bad dim sum Oh Chris and then the other one is rofl sir that's a great name both
of them suggest today I watched this kalel video and okay cool my son I just
got home I was about to make him dinner and yeah kalel I don't I don't know
where I've literally never seen any of her content and she has like 1.9 million
subscribers so kalel if you see this you go girl uh-huh anyways her videos
title like I gained 15 pounds in a month so I started watching it and yeah it
seems I'm not I'm not here to diagnose anybody you know that's not what I do
but she she says she's been feeling depressed and this is one of the
symptoms of depression is excessive weight loss or excessive weight gain all
right and I was like ha but then like I went to go check out some more of her
stuff and she had another video posted not too long ago that said why I'm sad
and I started watching that and she started talking about the comments
getting toward stuff and I'm like holy crap so thank you bad
dim sum and rofl sir I really needed to see this today so you guys know what I
do here I use a youtuber that you're familiar with to give you context and
then I try to teach you some stuff so I'm gonna be talking about myself but
man like what I'm trying to teach you guys to do is to take what you're
watching and see if you can relate and you know I guess the first thing I'll
say is one of the best things that helps people who are struggling with you know
just feeling not great whether it's depression anxiety trauma whatever it is
is not feeling alone and today was a really messed up day for me and you guys
who tweeted this at me you helped me because I watched Cal's video I'm like
dang like I can relate and it really helped me out so thank you to kal-el if
you ever see this video thank you for getting on a camera getting vulnerable
and sharing this but yeah I just want to talk to you about my day so some of you
who know like I've had some stuff going on right people calling me out and
things like that and it's it's rough because I'm the mental health guy right
and I'm trying to teach you how to improve your mental health but like I
never want to make any of you think that my life is perfect and I've figured
everything out you know I kind of teach you what I've learned and go from there
you know but I never want to give you the impression that my life is either a
perfect or B that I know everything but today was rough and I actually
actually vented to Tristan and God let me tell you I love that girl I love that
girl so much I just you know we sat down and I just and he said hey sorry I got a
vent I need to processing things and she just sat there and listened and that's
one of the best things Tristan asked me earlier today we were
talking about 12-step meeting says those of you who don't know I got clean
through 12-step meetings and she was asking me like do you still practice
what you learned in those meetings and I said okay like you want an answer and
like I don't know Tristan and I haven't had like a deep conversation like that
and you know in a little while but basically well I was telling her as yes
yes I do to the best of my ability when I go into the shower that's my that's my
meditation time player time whatever you want to call it that's my quiet time
right check in with myself and I check in with my motives what am i doing what
am i doing because you guys like I was a garbage human being for almost a decade
in my drug addiction I was so selfish I'm so so self-centered everything was
about me I was constantly using people to get what I wanted what I needed
screw your feelings it's all about me right one of the reasons I talked about
selfishness and self-centeredness so much on my channel is because that was
destroying my life and then when you pile on top of that my pride in my ego
so I was explaining to Tristan yes whenever I take a shower and I get quiet
I asked myself and I set my intention today and the other day I'm like what am
i doing what am i doing today why am i doing it what are my motives and I am
just now it is just now hitting me right now that I'm at 92 thousand subscribers
like I am a workhorse you guys know that I work and work and work and work and
it's like help people help people help people help more people help more people
and then like as I get closer I'm like oh crap I'm almost at a hundred thousand
cool only eight thousand more crisp all you need is eight thousand more crisp
and the last day or two it's really just hit me like Chris you are at almost a
hundred thousand subscribers this week alone I've had two people out in public
I don't go out too much you're in Vegas and to people in public recognize me
right and it's really hitting me that how big this channel is get it right and
I'm starting to reflect and even though I make videos you know using youtubers
for contacts and things like that I'm really starting to feel what they feel
and it's making more sense to me yes reminding me it's reminding me of my
second year sober right first year I thought was rough second year was way
harder than my first year because things are really hitting you and I thought the
hard part was growing this channel but now what I'm noticing is is what
youtubers talk about what kal-el talked about kal-el talked about in her video
about why she savages people say the most brutal things online who don't even
you know know you or anything like that and I get a lot of people assuming my
intentions and that's that's my issue my issue is like I was just I was actually
gonna make a video about Anna Akana cuz she made a video about self-love and I
really wanted to do that to do kind of a positive video but you guys who tweeted
that this kal-el video I'm like now I can relate way too much to this but I
forgot where I was going with that I'm sorry this unedited I'm just trying to
get these thoughts off my head so you guys have a better understanding of
what's going on and oh oh anyways one of my biggest fears is that people might be
right and that's something that Anna Akana
actually talks about when we had negative self-talk like let's like check
this out the worst comments on earth that I get my brain tells me so much
worse my brain tells me Chris you're a fraud you're fake Chris your motives
aren't good you aren't this right so I'm constantly checking in with myself
because I know for me personally well will take me back to the terrible person
that I used to be is if I stray off the path why if I start making YouTube about
money if I start making YouTube about popularity and stuff
if this channel turns into not trying to reach as many people as possible by
helping them I can turn into a terrible terrible
human being right so when I see these comments and as much as I preach don't
care so much what people think as I get bigger it gets harder I was telling
Tristan this morning it's kind of like going to the gym which I've been doing I
haven't been getting back into weights because my shoulder it's getting messed
up but anyways I was telling her it's kind of like when you're maxing out at
the gym right first you get on you're like okay I can do this right and then
you put on more weight you're like okay that's not too hard you put more weight
more weight and then like it gets harder but you're like feeling like kind of
like a badass like yeah I could do this and then it gets to a point where it is
just too heavy in your like and you reach your max and today I felt like I
reached a breaking point because as a lot of you know I try to reply and read
all of your comments and a lot of people have said Oh Chris that's not
sustainable that's not sustainable I'm like watch me I'm gonna be different I'm
gonna be the youtuber where no matter how big I get I'm just gonna keep doing
it keep doing it keep doing it right and today that breaking point hit so when
you combine you know people making videos about me questioning my motives
question my intentions then you get a mob of people coming in and the thing is
is I understand how my brain works I understand how the brain works you might
be able to relate to what I'm saying kal-el might be able to relate to what
I'm saying okay all brain has a negative bias our brain
is is designed to focus on the negative I have so many of you who who tell me
how much I'm helping you I even included it in my priming chrous panse video
right I talked about how many of you tell me that I'm helping you but my
brain will just hyper focus on the people who think they know my motives
who think they know my intentions right and then I feel like I got to defend
myself and my brain has just been a mess and I can relate to what kal-el talking
about because in case you didn't notice you know something that I'm dealing with
that I mentioned in a video the other day is that although I'm going to the
gym and eating healthier I still have unhealthy eating habits and
Callao is talking about how she's been turning to food for depression you know
I turned to food for a variety of emotions sometimes sometimes I'm able to
avoid it and do something more productive maybe make a video or journal
or meditate right but sometimes and I don't know if you can relate to this I
get a case of the ethics right gotta get this video monetize so we'll call it the
case of the efforts Oh Mike screw it screw it you know what I'm just gonna go
by the gas station get some donuts you know I've been acting which I'm like oh
god Chris why did you do that you know what I'm trying so hard and then they
almost like negates you know the time I put into the gym but anyways anyways you
know I am starting to realize that as my channel gets bigger you know I'm gonna
change I got a you know I gotta work on myself
and the collabs that I'm doing in LA next week I've just got an idea today of
how I'm gonna do it I'll announce that on Sunday and by the way I'm gonna
clickbait you on Sunday I apologize in advance but I'm gonna
explain how these collabs are gonna work but I want to turn this into a process
of self-reflection and growth and I have some really cool stuff planned but
anyways I hope kal-el you know she talks about in her new video about gaining 15
pounds that also get through it things are gonna be better and you know and all
that and I really hope they do for and I hope you guys all realize whenever I
talk about you know other youtubers on my channel I always hope for the best
I hope that was clear in my video about stop please stop shaming Trisha Paytas
you know because I you know I have a certain personality I come off tough I
come off harsh you know but at the end of the day I really want people to do
well and be happy and get better and stuff anyways again we talk about the
solution here so what am i doing what am i doing a few
things I talked to Tristan today about limiting how often I reply to comments
and how often I check comments so all of you who have grown accustomed to me
being really active in the comment section I'm gonna try to win back and
this is for my mental health you know like I said it's not sustainable and I
love you guys you know interact with me on Twitter and things but you know my
channel is almost at a hundred freakin thousand subscribers and I'm I'm
conceding that it is not sustainable so that's one thing that I'm doing the
other thing that I'm doing you know is my normal routine of you know writing
things down really processing things opening up to my beautiful girlfriend
Christy and I've been talking to my friends a lot more my mom is a great
part of my support group twisting and I were talking about how big my channels
getting and I've had a channel when I first started this where none of my
friends or family members would watch it but now a lot of the people who love me
the most are really getting into it and I'm really grateful I'm really fortunate
for those people in my life so if any of you are watching this I appreciate you
so I'm using all of the tools like I try to give you guys a million tools because
sometimes you just got to keep trying but I think the most important thing not
the most important one of the most important things is is that I'm actually
in therapy now and talk about timing - I started therapy when things were going
good so now I have somebody there and yes I use better help therapy alright I
have a licensed therapist and today I was talking to her and I don't think
until it was until today that I told me that I'm a youtuber so I told her about
everything that's going on I asked her her thoughts you know and opinions I
sent her a link to one of my videos she actually told me to to not respond to
prim Inc I was like yo Katrina sorry but I saw this after I responded remake
but anyways therapy is important and I hope more youtubers are doing it and
getting help like it is one of the biggest suggestions
and I can you know really give to people I also before I in this video I want to
shout out Meghan tonjes I'm going to watch her video right now -
she just made a video about her experience with therapy she made a video
not that long ago about her first therapy session so this seems like a
follow up so shout out to Meghan tonjes her and I have a little bit of a history
go through my channel you'll see what I made a public apology to Meghan talk
this I'll tweet it out - just to let her know that I gave her a shout out in this
corner cool now but yeah if you want a story about how I used to be an awful
human being watch my video about apologizing to big and tall just if you
want another story about how like a lot of you asked me for more story time
sorry this is getting a little ram bleah watch my video about me going after the
weather man okay I played that on livestream a few months ago and people
loved it so go watch that I if you think I'm crazy now check out some of that
stuff but anyways bye all the best wishes to kal-el if she does see this if
you want to tweet it out or go for it III know that my platform is getting
bigger and more youtubers are gonna see this and I do need to keep that in mind
more but don't worry tough love Kris ain't going anywhere
alright anyways I really appreciate all of you for watching this long-ass video
thanks again to kal-el for opening up getting vulnerable I'm gonna I'm gonna
start learning more from other youtubers who have been through what I'm going
through as I grow and I even want to at some point start like a youtuber like
support group you know what I mean because a lot of people feel very
isolated and alone I think I think we all need to rely on each other you know
you got to be around people who understand what you're going through
alright but anyways anyways let me in this video again thanks for watching
give this video a thumbs up if you liked it if you haven't already make sure you
subscribe to wring the notification belt because I make a ton of videos I have a
lot of cool stuff and collabs coming up soon so make sure notifications are on
huge thank you to everybody who supports the channel over on patreon I get love
you guys because a lot of you like your purely only being a patron to support
what I'm doing and I really really appreciate you all right but thank you
all just for watching you support me as well I love you all
I'll see you soon